A patchwork of thoughts

"Take me as I am
I'm not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I'm still learning
How to love again and stop hurting"

it's been playing through my head nonstop for almost 17 hours now, yes I woke up hearing it a few times during the night. And it makes sense really, because that's what my will boils down too at this moment. The sentiment expressed within those words. It's what spurred the creation of this blog (in addition to the insistence of many good friends of mine *grins*) and what keeps me questing for answers. The song is not surprisingly titled Take me as I am. And it's by Tonic. This post is going to jump hither and yon as the subject implies, but I Thought I'd state it directly as well.


I've found my second tattoo, the one which balances the first that I am getting on my left arm... a tribal black rose partly budding for those who I haven't mentioned it too. It's reciprocal is the one I've just discovered and that is a karasu (or crow) who's image is being lifted from an ancient standard of imperial Japan and is, among other things, an honorific to the deities of the sun.

Now an excerpt from a conversation, the question being basically what I thought of love as an idea, force, emotion, what have you.

love I do believe in, and I believe it has value, I believe it to be boundless rather than finite, and like flowers to have many breeds and seasons. It is a growing thing, one which in all is cycling states requires care and which will flourish or die depending on the harmony of it's climate, care, and breed. Even among roses there are many ways to care for a flower, our tragedy in this life seems to be that we've allowed or selves to believe that there is only one.

This next bit is in reaction to a question I’ve had a friend pose to me about my “bullheadedness” and why I won’t back down even in some seemingly trivial situations.

It is my own and only true personal space. I grew up with a large family both extended and immediate and I grew up moving all the time. I had so little that was mine in any way that when we sold our first car I cried and was hollow feeling for days because it was more home to me than any place I had. So rather than continue to be distraught I adapted, I evolved. And I took my personal space within myself. I do not ever evoke or provoke invasions of it by my deigned or intended act. So when someone violates it wantonly I won't let it slide, won't give them one fucking inch because it would put me back there. Despondent, dissolute, disenfranchised. It would, weather in part or whole, take my life away from me. Just like drinking or doing drugs until I have blackouts would. Just like deceptions that feed the holes in my memories would. I won't give up my life for anyone, I'd literally rather die first. So I won't give an inch. There's a quote that says "A hero is a man who's more afraid to run away" that's me. You see if they'd picked any "word" that wasn't already an "issue" and made the same request to test their idea I would have placated them and tried it even tho I knew they were wrong, that's fine with me. What I cannot and will not do is give in when someone's trying to "push" to "make me" ....well fill in the blank really, if someones trying to make me do anything they'd better be able to physically MAKE ME do every step of it for otherwise they will be disappointed. I've always done that, ever since the first time I was to think about the concept back when I was maybe 3 years old. Besides I don't need to laugh at the rules or brake them. Just like I don't need to honor the rules or follow them. What I need to do myself is ignore the rules and show a disregard for them. They are non-definitive of me, not for or against. For me ending the irrational and idiotic confrontation quickly isn't anywhere near as imperative as ending it PERMEANTLY, or at the very least giving enough negative re-enforcement that it won't be directed toward me any longer. I do pick my battles, I just have differing objectives. And my definition of victory especially in an unreasonable confrontation is simply denying they opposition what they want from or of me.

And the next bit here is stolen from a response I was given to one of my little soap boxes on here. I quite like it because it feels good/true, at least it makes me smile. All of which means that I’ve adopted it in some part as well as having had the makings of it in me... right well my babbling is done for the day, I’m off to figure out how to make my living from one of my favorite holidays.