a reflection, I used to tie myself to people with sex, used to let myself believe it HELD meaning rather than COMMUNICATED (root word commune) meaning.
i'm over it. I still have what I understand to be an over average libido. I'm a great fan of sex, more so of seduction, romance, and love making but anything out of hand isn't worth it's weight
i've let this run me much more than i'd realized or admitted, it's the choices we make and savor is often 'slaver' in our unexamined actions
the bonds of familiarity friendship intimacy are all of a nature, one might say in the same genus if we were emotional plants. so I weighted one or two branches until they nearly broke
didn't stare it in the face until the change was already made, so I'm glad that some part of me made the choice to change without "my explicit say so"
I still like sex, miss being able to share it with more people than I believe anyone realizes.
but the addiction is broken. nice to know it and fitting that it came as a repercussion of giving up "recreational chemicals" of all styles and flavors
hey it's to be expected isn't it? I've really been no fan of psychopharmacology.

FIN (or begin)

Sol

bits from an e-mail that just about covers it...

I've been hitting the books both for school and for fun, reading Palahniuk and Robbins as well as some Jorden (Chuck, Tom, and Robert respectively) and saving up some money to follow through on this hair brained idea I have. I want to find a dojo and train for a year. I may have to settle for less at first, say three months or six. But I just want to train, save money for food and rent and tuition to the dojo and just train. I'm also half planing to take a vision quest this summer, perhaps on the salt flats. Just wander in to the wild for a while and see if it won't restore of the vitality to my soul, I've been feeling a little weary lately and this rejuvenation is an uplifting plan. All in all it's been a good year I have to admit as I reflect on it, crazy and there's much of that I wouldn't recommend or repeat yet even so all in all it's been really good. I have to admit I miss New Orleans there was something vital and fresh about that place and it's sad to not have that lively atmosphere around me any longer. I'm also looking to find the name of this academy again because I wish to take up acting once more, film this time I really enjoyed what I did of it before and I would like to add some more experiences to my resume before all's said and done so I may move out to the L.A. area for a while to do that as well, tho that will come later not sooner but it's many times that this has recurred to me and keeps a-calling me more and more so it seems likely I'll be there one day. There's still progress to be made on my long standing book but it's gotten closer and I'm still enjoying how it progresses. Finding a publisher will be another big thing but why get ahead of myself eh? What I should really do is get a good agent honestly, but where to find one you know?

I'm also planing to read American Psycho right before my trip to Costa Rica so I can discuss it with the lady who recommended it too me when I visit her in Germany. And I'm currently working on a re-write of the novelization of the movie Pitch Black. Other than that I've been focused on meditations and Zen practice which I sometimes (oddly enough) do while listening to The Dark Tower by Stephen King. And believe you me that is one odd combination.
Yesterday was Sarah's birthday and that was weird, can still count on one hand the number of her birthdays I've not spent with her since we met. But I suppose an engagements will do that too anyone, there's bound to be weirdness when it's over and done with. I almost feel like I should be more broken up about it or something but I'm not really, it's unfortunate that the rough parts had to happen the way they did but this is as it should be right now you know?

enjoy the flowers,
Sol

Lilies - Lily Folklore / Lily Symbolism - Flowers
The lily's name has pre-classical origins; indeed it was the Greek name Leirion and the Roman name Lilium from which some believe the name "lily" was derived. The lily's symbolism dates back to Ancient Egypt. The Greeks believed Aphrodite added the lily's pistil to make it more phallic. It is the flower of the Archangel Gabriel and is important in heraldry because it resembles a scepter. Legend tells that the lily sprang from Eve's tears, when upon being expelled from Eden she learned she was pregnant. Other folklore tells of lilies, unplanted by any human hand spontaneously appearing on the graves of people executed for crimes they did not commit. Some believe that planting lilies in a garden will protect the garden from ghosts and evil spirits. In medieval times, lilies symbolized feminine sexuality.
In the Language of Flowers, the lily represents purity & majesty, and, in some contexts, death.

http://www.echoedvoices.org/Aug2002/Garden_Section.html
http://webhome.idirect.com/~gaga1/symbols.html
http://www.bartleby.com/65/li/lily.html
http://www.chinesepaintings.com/chinese-symbols.html

Gypsie Coat

Hello all, you've likely already recived an e-mail about this but I'm just commenting, I am really looking forward to creating this coat, with patching of cloth from everyone I know am close too being encorprated into it I will have a tangable symbol of both my travels and all of the people who are a part of my world and life that travels with me at all times, thus I really shall, in true Gypsie fashion, carry my home with me on my back. If I've somehow missed sending a message to any of the reading of this blog I beg your pardon and it was an oversight born purely of the volume of e-mail I've been sending out. Everyone here is meant and desired to be inluced which is another reason for this post. Also those tailor minded amoung you might get in contatct with me if you have the time, it's been a long while since I did anyting with needles and thread and I would like to have some compatriats to compare notes with and figure out what to do with the creation of this new artifact *grins*

all the best,
Sol

This really happend...

but make of it what you will


today I woke up entombed, I woke up entombed after a vivid dream of many things which melted into the depths of my mind while I was wondering why there was a wall sealing me into where I slept and no familiar shelf above my bed. I finally realized that I was sleeping upside down and that I'd done it on purpose the night before(after coming home from hanging out with Riley and my mother) but .... it gave me quite a shock
it reminded me how deeply I fear waking trapped, not just caged tho I always use that word, as defense I believe, people go in cages, cages have bars, and food and air
my people, we go in tombs, we are buried alive and hoped to be forgotten. We are buried alive and left to wither away from the world. And I woke up with the cold calm of a panic and terror that has given up it's 'fish out of water' failings. It didn't last long tho I did have a moment of 'patting' along the wall trying to find a way it wasn't real before I understood what was up. it didn't last long but it exposed so much to me... a black well of fear that wasn't open to honest inspection before. the bonus side was/is that I may dissipate it now, my divest myself of some of the horror. But it's so much more than that, it exposes so much more. "my people" that no verbal feeling of profound difference, and profound difference by the judgment of the ones who would be different than myself. not set above by my own hand but cast out by theirs, how am I to respond? where does this deep seeded primordial steeped memory come from? was this the reasons we took to living away from light, in caves, once cast out we took on the mantel of everything which cause that same horror and dread in those who cast us out as they had instill in us as they interred the first swath of our blood within the earthen walls.
is this what transpired? is that the source of our blood lust? this feeling of life slipping away, stolen away, makes us hunger for more, desire more, and as it was 'stolen' once makes us willing to thirst for more in a predatory manner. when death is an omni present reminder all mammals will have sex more and more passionately if you will allow the term, is this then the birth of our passion that we know what judgment was rendered and we all feel we live our moments on borrowed time. I am shaken (not stirred) to my foundations as a kraft of well water is shaken all the way down by a falling stone. Dislodged, torrential, ultimately settling once more with no harm done, but things not quite the same. what time of year this is i'm sure influences this, as does spending so much time with R “vamp” Brown and Ash Black yet still this is that does not seem to be all saying that's the 'source' tastes metallic and dead on my tongue like blood gone bad and i'd more willingly say that the way you're dreams have touched me caused this than any environmental factors i'd think of.. yet this still feels as mine, something that was even if it was unseen until this conflux of events, people, places, and that's what the crux is, it feels revealed by those outside influences, reveal is in no way created. I exhale my breath as if to reaffirm that I am what I am and alive is a part of that. what little wonder is there in the aspect of willing death over consignment when that restraint always seen is the tomb better a true pure death, a clean death and that.
an outlaw never goes quietly. i realized a little while ago that if i believed i would be able to worm my way out of there even if it took a while I wouldn't mind so much being bound... but this, this is the true gall, the clawing in my gut that makes terror turn to bloodsprayed rage and abandon.
so, wakey wakey vamp, it's time to remember who you are, there are profound truths you've been playing at not seeing for far to long, and you just aren't meant or thankfully able to keep lying to yourself about them anymore... now it's only a pity your night visions so wavery just now and those shapes still remain a bit unclear..

out of the dusts...

hey folks this is something I meant to post and never did... at least from what I've seen I never did *grins* so if I have and missed it let me know *grins* don't want to get redundent, but in any event here it is.

all the best,

Sol

have you heard Sage Francis "personal journal" for some reason i have that impulse with you right now, maybe it's a hands tied thing, perhaps i feel that if i share my own inner works with you something will shead a light on confusions otherwise un-resolved. my families scars run deep and I've no way of knowing how much you know this. you are clearly well known and truly loved by my brother and sister [sister1 and brother1] and quite well liked and enjoyed by my other brother and sister [i simply have the impression that brother2 and sister2 don't know you as well]. i know you're important for and too them so you must know something. but let me tell you (ha, "let" as if I'm somehow gaining your permission by saying that when here in text there is no mind but mine to guide these keys turned letters turned words turned sentences... gods sometimes it feels like a sentence) the story of our lives... the brief dark version, the story no one really hears.. not really. the story of our scars, and of how our parents indiscretions have hurt even the intimacy of we siblings... of my siblings who are the dearest things in this world to me... (well isn't that ironic, now *I'm* crying). It all started long before most of us were born, only sister1 brother1 and I were drawing in this lifes sweet air by then, and we weren't to know the truth still till years later when it all came apart. The short version is that my parents used to practice unorthodox relationship methods and that my mothers emotions have always been more exposed than my fathers. I'll tell you the whole story on our walk if you'd like, text takes more time than I wish too and there's almost something crude about it... almost as if I'm making it more perment by writing these things down.. the unorthodox isn't the problem, at least not of it's self and very much not for me I'm quite unorthodox myself especially when it comes to romance and relationships (hell I'd rather suffer and watch the end of a relationship have my heart served too me on a platter than to lie to a loved one... but that's another story and totally mine and not what this is about). The problem came when my mothers sense of neglect and my fathers sense of burden flared and clashed. In the midst of the oh so chaotic and torrid affair that followed (and I don't mean the sexual one that everyone so wrongly supposed was the key to it all) there were wounds left across the trust and love of this family, of my dear brothers and sisters that I don't know if we'll ever fully recover from. BOTH our parents forgot us entirely to be wrapped in their own personal drama and power struggle. I still remember watching as sister1 brother2 and sister2 all tried to talk to each other in over loud voices to drown out the screaming and the fighting that was happening below. Watched it like a knife in my intestines until I couldn't stand it any longer and in a despret despairing rage went down stairs and screamed at both my parents until they shut up and both left the house (my mother to her ... now brother1's, room downstairs actually but it makes no never mind). I remember watching my brothers and sisters get thinner from lack of food because we really didn't have appetites with all that was going on. And I remember myself for the first time in my life just fleeing from something, just moving and never wanting to stop, always PUSH PUSH PUSH so that I wouldn't have to think. It's when sister1 when away.. you didn't get to see her then and that is truly a sad thing, she was always similes and such innocent cheer.. she's never been the same since and it always breaks my heart. Sister2 has this edge about her have you notice it? when some things too soft she laughs, it can't be sensitive right away first it has to be funny or foolish. She's been so strong to get through all of this and I have no idea what it may cost her in the long run. And brother2, my dear, dear brother2, so much like me, so much like me it kills me because I know where he was, where he's been, and how hard this was on me when I was already older and (if you can be such a thing) more ready. He doesn't walk untouched through this world , he just looks it because the wounds run so deep they look like the belong there. When he attacks someone, pushes them away for being "ridiculous" or some close synonym, they show up clear as day. I've seen dispair in his eyes unmatched by anything I've seen in this world... and while I know that there's oh such hard and hurtful things that I've yet to see, and that he's stronger now, more healed, it's still there. You've never seen him angry, anger is pain that lives beneath the skin and won't go away, won't be let out, won't breach the surface... it smolders and burns until it erupts. He nearly tore a sink out of the wall by mistake once when he lost his temper, he didn't even know he was doing it. So he keeps his emotions away from the world that he might not let anything prick him too deep and thus get hurt so that he'd hurt in return.
His worst fear in this world is, just like mine, himself.
And Brother1, Brother1 was my only friend for years. My ONLY friend... even people who've become close now who were there then, and who are truly my friends.. it's different, they don't know. I was so excited to have a brother, I was nervous and a bit unsettled too because I'd been an only child but I loved him so much... and somewhere I lost him, somewhere in the years, during the time we came to Logan, I lost him. And I never got him back. He was my dearest friend and to this day I don't know fully what happened or even why. We drifted apart and I'm not sure how to talk to him anymore, not about the big stuff, not about the things that we both so often and so frantically wrestle with. You can see it in our writings, in our music. You're right about art and pain, but don't court pain enough of it will come to call on you without your throwing wide the doors. And sometimes art can be happy too. I don't know how to tell him, how to even bring it up. Gods he sleeps in the room next to mine now and feels worlds away and I miss him more than I can even try to say, and I can't bring it up. I know I hurt him somehow, I know because I can see that much, I know that's not all and I pray someday I might understand. I know he was gone when Mum and Pops destroyed something ireprable in our family and I know his feelings on it and experience with it has driving this wedge between us even deeper because of those views. I'm afraid, I wasn't afraid to walk down streets where I knew people got killed every year, not a wif of it. But my brother lays there in the other room sick and in pain and not know why or what to do and I can't help him... I don't know how to even be there for him, and I'm afraid I'll lose him without ever having the chance to understand or make it right. He might die and I might as well be trying to grab smoke with my hands for all that I can do about it. To have the core of what taught you love be broken and the fragments twisted in your guts is difficult. Not because of the pain of it, that I've long since come to grips with, but because of it's distortion casting it's self upon everything else. I know it, can taste it feel it, I'm deadened now compared to what I used to be, the same record is playing but the volume has dropped, like speakers that have been blown out, or the world the day after a concert when you forgot to take care of your ears. I remember when I felt sick and cried a little (alone after they'd all gone away) at some kids killing a bumblebee in my neighborhood. Now I carry around a smashed bullet (the one that missed) from a shooting that took place not fifteen feet from the bedroom in which I slept. Sometimes I wonder if something inside me is dead, and I hope that it's not gone beyond recall... I know that it all sounds melodramatic and I don't mean to imply that this is the whole of life, there are counter points elements of laughter and love. But there's a space where some things missing and it's nothing someone else took from or gave too me, it's tied up with other people but it's always been my own. And when there was too much pain to bear and I didn't know what to do I killed it, and I hope I'm able to undo some part of that.
My story's gotten mired in emotion, what do I expect when it's about the mire of emotion?
I hope we do get our walk, I honestly feel as if it matters weather or not this happens, tho to say why is beyond me just now. There's so much to say, so much more to be told, but the ground just now is muddy (tears will do that to dust of memory) and the story teller's spent (tears will do that too often as not).

Sol

Earth dance, chaos kings...

Phoenix Flame

In the tale of the Phoenix the bird gives it’s self to the flame after having sacrificed it’s self to save the prince and princess. This wondrous creature risked it’s very survival, basing it solely on trusting a boy it did not know. Why? For the sake of saving two innocents from evil. The phoenix went into the flame and was reborn greater, stronger, more vital.

I am the Phoenix, I set my self in the fires to be reborn. Always seeking the safety and joy of my brothers and sisters. I welcome the turmoil of change so that I may grow. By my growth I am better able to uplift those that I encounter.
When the Phoenix rose anew from the flames it was bedecked with new and splendid feathers. And it took wing soaring to where the golden apples of life grew. It hovered o’re the tree for a moment drawing all eyes. Then it plucked one of the golden apples and returned with it as a gift to the prince and princess.
So too would I be. One able to take flight over the confines of the world, not that I might flee from it, rather that I may draw the eyes and hearts of those that watch to take flight as well. For I will lead if you will follow me there. Yet even having reached such a vantage I would not settle there, rather would I pluck what I may from that place and rejoin the peoples of the world bearing it as a gift that they might live in joy and love together.
The Phoenix held eternal life, renewed and protected by the evil sorcerer. It’s safety and life guaranteed for all time... so long as it did not oppose him. Yet it spent it’s time seeking a way to undo the evil, even if it required that the Phoenix too be undone.
Too often I see people seeking to bring down evil (as did the prince) with out the means. While those with what means are needed sit by doing nothing for the sake of their own preservation. I strive to choose as the Phoenix did, to choose an end to evil at any cost. To choose to help those that strive for a better world. Rather than to sit in safety and watch as others fall to odds they could not surmount alone.
When I was young I watched many children treat their weaker peers with cruelty, only to have our parents, teachers, adult guardians of all sorts, fail to stop it. I did not long sit by and watch this occur. Because of that choice I spent many hours alone, and many more with people angry at me. Yet I regret the choice not at all, for I saw the looks on the faces of those kids when they started to believe that maybe the world wasn’t just a cold uncaring place. It was wrong for the bullies to gang up on smaller kids, yet wrong though that was I saw less harm done by that, than by the inaction of everyone else. I’ve had my share of cuts, bruises, and so forth. So I can tell you confidently that they heal. What often does not heal is the faith and innocence of a child. That simple certainty that bad things don’t happen to good people, or that at the very least the people who love them will always stand up for them. It has been said that which is required for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing. That is why I strive to stand like the Phoenix. Because I know that even if I can’t always stop the bullies from beating up the little kid on the play ground. I can at least show that kid that there are people who won’t stand by and let it happen. If I can shield any part of that innocence and faith it is worth any pain the fire may bring. This quote from Emerson says it well “Higher than the question of our duration is the question of our deserving. Immortality will come to such as are fit for it.” I seek to be deserving that as the Phoenix I may rise again and continue to serve.

I am the Flame, I shall burn as a beacon to those lost in the night. Shining with the warmth of old world hospitality, bidding the weary traveler take shelter from the storm. I shall warm those frozen with the chill of apathy. Reminding them of what is often over looked, how to love their brother and them self. I shall spark the fire that will burn through the forest of man ensuring that we will grow and evolve, not merely rot away in our opulence.

As the Phoenix reborn, I will not shy away from the flaws of this our world. I shall carry my flame to them, for I shall;

Burn away the weakness, for in weakness lies our self doubt and fear of service. Lies the silence of no defiant voices. In this is grown inaction, not for lack of feeling, but for lack of belief that anything can be done. “Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once.” Shakespeare spoke truly for in this weakness lies the death of heros, not for a broken shield, or an overtaxed sword arm, rather because of those who bring others down so that perhaps they will not feel quite so low. In this lies a life devoid of dreams, or hope. A life wracked by the numbing pain of being truly alone.

Burn away the pain, for in pain we find many excuses. For it is in self pity that we author our own down fall. It is simple to create excuses for what we have not done when we can claim that our lives or ourselves are wretched and pitiable. “How can I be forced to strive for this hard thing while I am so down cast.” “How can I be asked to endure this discomfort of effort while I am in misery”. It is this pain that masks the fear hiding in the hearts of men. It is fear of making changes which causes us to flee discomfort. And in fleeing discomfort to turn our backs on life. The image of stepping into a fire, of having the tongues of flame consume what they touch. That image has evoked a shudder in many. I offer another image. The image of a lump of earth, shapeless. Being cast into this flame. Of it’s being pounded and beaten, and plunged again and again into the flame. The image of a sword flashing new and strong in the sunlight.

Burn away uncaring, the uncaring that makes us question every kind act. The uncaring that permeates our world such that feeling for the plight of another is tantamount to a crime. The uncaring that when we are given a gift causes us to ask “what are they getting out of this, where’s the catch”. Edmund Burke said “The true danger is when liberty is nibbled away, for expedience, and by parts.” it is uncaring that feeds this danger. It is this uncaring that is expressed by Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens book “A Christmas Carol”. The same uncaring that fed the rise of the Nazis, the action of rapists, and the execution of innocent homosexuals.



These things which have left the heart of the world laid bear and bleeding are at an end.

For I am the healing Phoenix Flame.

hehehehehehe

alright so this is just funny and I've been told it reminds people of me... guess which one I am

Sol

this is the origonal context, I didn't create it so give these guy the credit they deserve, oh and thanks to miss Cross for all her efforts in helping me dig this up again, love ya babe.

http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=000223

What am I?

Fear says I'm flight
the cynic syas I'm might
lonely emotion says I'm love
I'm none of the above

I'm said to rest in the eyes of the old
often said to scorn the bold
a king sought me out by giving up his eye
few find me before they die

my voice will quite Rage
enough of me disbars any cage
I am the poal-star twin of doubt
I am what every faith seeks out

what am I?


and now a hint:

In the Owl I've been told to abide
and the three kings at Jesus side
In the name of every witch
and guide the lives of those without regret

When you mean something to me

meanings, being with someone is what resides with you those people who's images and words infiltrate what you do who you converse with when you're gone and who do the "same" with you. You're always togather a union more lasting to my eyes than perputual proximity

Just a thought on late night drinking...

it's a good way to vent, and a great way to rant, so long as the doubble vision doesn't present you with the impression that you're listening to a mighty orator and you take your own misgivings to heart

Manifesto of the Dream builders Union

I am firmly of the opinion that we all do get everything we ask for.
The full dreams and aspirations starter kit. What we need then is vision and fallowthrough, nothing comes prefab. And it’s really all a question of capacity (that love child of sincerity and ability) because a gun, badge, uniform, nightstick, pair of hand-cuffs, belt, boots, hat, can of pepper spray, tazer, ticket book, pen, car, fraternal order membership card, laptop, mirrored sunglasses. Doesn’t shake and bake you into a representative of Justice.
And a full scenery dock and costume shop doesn’t make a play. Our problem is we order dreams on credit not reading the fine print that these student loans come due (opposite of the others) if we don’t complete the course work. So we sit over drawn mix and matching the incomplete pieces of our simultaneous aspirational excess and wonder why nothing looks like the picture on the box. So if you’re waiting for an addition of “dream assembly for dummies” here it is and it’s concise; Just live. And do so without hesitation or concession.

Pennsic Stories Year II

Alright then Pensic stories... well I’d have to say that Pensic (for me this time) was like Beltane plus Groundhog day. I met and hung out with an artist who’d made and brought along a large ceramic Buddha. He and I got along famously and intend to keep in touch. We’re planing to go as Satyrs to at least one party next year. I saw lots of pretty women some solid fighting and a myriad of merchandise some cool some cheesy but all amusing enough for one gander or another. I got a button that says “Blood is thicker than Water, Adjust your recipes accordingly” courtesies of the wife of a friend (who thinks I’m nice but way out of control a lot of the time... who knows maybe she’s right). I met a nice merchant girl and catted about fantasy novels for a while, she’s just off to school to be a lit major and has said she’s going to write me so apparently I have a new pen pal. Several actually as George (the artist) and I both made friends with the pseudo little sister of our (mutual) friend Ian and she might write as well... we’ll see tho, I’m not holding my breath, you know how these things go. I spent a goodly time hanging out with a guy who makes some absolutely wonderful mead and who’s going to teach me a thing or two so maybe I can start brewing such myself, that would be wicked cool and I’m stoked to get the info later when I get back in touch with him. I learned a bit a bout drumming and in theory here will be receiving a good twenty to thirty pages of lessons on drumming from a Journeyman drummer I know out there. I had wickedly vast amounts to drink but it was all free and it was (mostly) all very good, 102 year hold Haitian rum being on the high end of the scale along with things like Chocolate Covered Strawberry Mead. All the way down to some everclear punch which didn’t taste that strong but after a couple of tankards made sure you knew it was hanging out for a while *lol*
As of roughly the middle of the week George and I were hanging out with three ladies we’d met there and our evenings consisted mostly of watching them go wild across all sorts of gatherings (many camps have parties so party hopping is practical a sport there) and dance (two of the three did some verity of middle-eastern dancing) and then half carrying them home to their tents pouring them into bed and then shambling back to my own to catch a few z’s before the sun par boiled me into consciousness yet again. It was good times and I’m glad I got to go, crazy bonfires in the woods under the full moon are wicked cool :D
oh and I got to hang out again with some new friends I’d made from last year.
Debauchery, quips, puns, taunts, teases, and stories of years gone by were shared by all. Jokes songs music (all live) and comic acts were prevalent as well. And I got to meet a man who’s an honest to go ninja. He’s been a backwoodsmen, a spec-ops trooper, learned two whole styles of illusion and magic, is wicked good at reading people, knows how to tell stories like nobody’s business and happens to be a good pal of a friend o’ mine, a big black Scotsman, no really I’m being totally serious as odd as a black scot may seem. It was wonderful to hang out with him, I think I’d have to admit to even being a little in awe of the guy he’s just so multi-talented and I got to see him employ a sampling of them. Oh and I wandered around the whole time in a Kimono and War-skirt, and sometimes Gatia being all Samurai-ish. Well that covers my stories at least from a global perspective if you want more descriptions of any given area just inquire within :P and I’ll be happy to elaborate.

Sol

only fear

I was just asked what makes me guarded, why past a certain point I seem perptually withdrawn, well it's a good question and sparked an honest answer, I provide it for you here...

what set me on gaurd? why dear lady learning to speak did. That's not

clear tho. The answer is that I knew myself before I knew speech, and

when I'd gained the skills to speak with others I started to learn

things such as lies, betrayal, forswearing, dishonor, and crulity.

These were not part of my world before, it took my mother nearly two

weeks to convice me that people would be capable of lieing. I couldn't

comprehend the phnomon, it made no sense to me it felt so wrong. Then

when I finally accepted that with a sick sinking feeling in my gut I

asked her why they didn't just make people promise to tell the truth

before they asked them questions, because surely even those so depraved

as to lie wouldn't break their word. Another week more or less passed

with that one. After which I was broken and some part of me feels like

sobbing everytime I go back to that place, it was when I lost faith in

the basic goodness of our species. It took longer for me to become

aquinted with betrayle, that wasn't until my teens, and that taught me

how someone could come to desire sadistic things as well for I was made

crule, truely crule for the first time in my life. Dishonor I still

don't understand even tho I've tasted it ground into my face time and

again. I'm not the perfict moral person I once was, I'm not as worthy

or as good as I started out to be, no where near so pure. And I say

that from knowing myself, not from any religion or phlospy so I can't

have the luxery of wondering if I've been misled. I fall short of my

own truth and there is no escaping that, I must find a way to rise above

and struggle with that every day. I know more temperance now than once

I did, I'm less of an extreamist and that's all towards the best near as

I can tell. I don't trust people because they can stomic what is going

on better than I can and if they can do ought be choke on this abhorent

situation I am profoundly distrubed. However it's not for me to judge

individuals, everyone has a reason to be where they are and I too have

fallen so how am I to set myself in judgement? I am not. Therefore I

strive and try to aid others hopeing that somehow the blind can lead the

blind out of this mire. Why do I look? to understand what I can't

concive, where this all started. I can grasp how once inflicted with it

you can have it re-occur. How when faced with it sometimes it is the

answer to fighting it. What I don't know and yet strive to see is where

it came from, what started it. Somewhere in the scope of people lays

that answer and I will have it, I must have it... I need to understand.

And people, most people are well intentioned yet weak. What if, I'm not

saying it is so, but what if that one who hurt you last year was

drinking a bit and started out meaning to be friendly... and then

crubled before his own poisen? I've seen it happen, I've struck people

down for it (no I've not killed anyone in this life) I taste the

weakness of others, their pain and hopeless fuitility. Kennidy was

right, fear it's self. It feeds on it's self, grows stronger. It's like

cancer of the heart, strangeling the soul.
Why am I gaurded? because no one can afford for me to be weak, too many

others are too many others need help from those who've succumbed to this

toxic soup we call "culture" and even that assement is limited. And

even worse than that what if I were to fall into such degenaration?

What if I let myself degrade so? That thought drives me like a bryer

thorn lash, I could be so horrable, I've drunk poisen to understand it's

power and now must fight it every day as it holds a portion of my soul

in it's sway, must except it be it embrace it yet always master it,

always. I fear the day I slip more than anything else creation has to

offer me, I'd rather be peeled from the insideout by parasites.
Tho' the two don't seem so diffrent really. I know how to do what's

right these days but listening to discordant hymes in my soul and

dancing to their contra beat. I predate the parasites so that I don't

become one. That is what I'm always on gaurd against, the one and only

thing I've every really wanted, to touch the world.

an answer to one, an answer for all

I usually frame my entries in some way, this one I've decided not too. As the title implies it's something written in response to one persons question and it applies as a rule. This is as close to "my take" or version or whatever of jealousy/possessiveness on an emotional level. That's the frame you get, I trust it's sufficient...


... I don't mind causal, I'm for it honestly, the calm warm pleasant assured style of casual. The casual kiss of a loved one to another when walking passed about the day. That I love and find would bear smiles.
this other...
this other,
I don't wish to name it
as I feel it deserves no power and place
flowers before swine if we were to use a variant of an old phrase
like the grimy candy sticked hands of a spoiled child grasping a silk painting
besmirch is a good word for it, besmirch suits
as it evokes a tongue clinching lip curling impulse to despise those who do it
I've worried lest I let it become an excuse to be possessive, to allow that a house within my soul would lessen me so I place will before it and bar the way
you decide is the key, the whole world of difference. That you decide, and why
what spirt moves you holds you when you do
in a world without disease I would hesitate not at all not for a thought of a heart beat if you'd just fucked sixteen guys in quick succession it wouldn't matter, you would not diminish nor be sullied by that
on the other side of the abyss however there live things I would obliterate were I able
simple looks from “him” timber has left me swimming in images of smashing his face, whoever “he” is at the moment
something about smashing in the face, that's what's called for
women, with their envious jealous eyes, those I want to eviscerate
to flay
that's what's suited there
mayhap it's to turn in kind what they put upon you with their mouthing-minds
I grin when people lust after you, more so when they are stricken fallen for you, there are all kinds of smiles that get to live in case you come to be showing me such things... even all unknowing as when we walk together, watching the eyes of the passing motorists, or the men who stop me on the street to congratulate me. By those I am pleased
it's when people lust then point it at you, that bothers me when it's not about you but about them that bothers me that is what it should not be

so long as it's about you not someone else, or just them which is to say no one at all. So long as that's the truth it disturbs me nothing, however the other.... well what is that but despicable for them to do and disgusting for me to behold
save of course the most potent point, depressing for you to endure ... whatever sensations and situations happen to be it's rapping paper
you follow don't you?

Current events interview

Interviewer: so this is the first public statement you’ve made since the big shift.

Sol: yeah that’s right I just had to take some time to settle in and chew things over first.

Interviewer: so how’s all of that coming for you?

Sol: branching out as with most things, but basically I realized that I know more about what I’m doing than I usually think or credit myself with. Which is at once uplifting because of it’s sense of greater empowerment and ironic because it’s one of my pet peeves with other people and the behaviors that I witness.

Interviewer: How about new realizations in the face of change, any pearls you’d like to share from the big shift?

Sol: Yes, for example I discovered that I miss people fiercely it just doesn’t make me sad. Longing most defiantly but I discovered that for me this longing is a source of strength. I have said for many years that I simply don’t miss people, my mistake was because I wasn’t broken up by the experience as with most who I’ve witnessed. So my mistake came there.

Interviewer: there have been a lot of things said about you and relationships lately, care to address any of that?

Sol: Really I’m just adhering to the same rules I always have. Treat people like they have the integrity and power to say what they mean, mean what they say, and admit when they’re mistaken. Also as always I’m more intrinsically able to give a woman slack about transgressions made in this regard than I am a man, there are any number of labels that might suit that paradigm but in any event it’s been with me since I was very young. Just the same as my willingness to overlook a slight to me a thousand times more readily than one to a friend. If you’re looking for changes the best I can think to give you is a reaffirmation. I experienced that love and trust can exist independent of one and other which shored up my commitment to the codes of conduct which I adhere to. The principle of is this; if someone claims something they are striving to become it and from that moment they are what they have claimed. Treat them as is their due in light of what they have become. Give them no more or less respect, confidence, or aid that what their chosen status deserves. That way no matter what happens they lived their lives in truth. After all one heartbeat of truth is worth any thousand year lie.

Interviewer: what about love, How does that factor into all of this?

Sol: Love is about joy, truthfully. Perhaps you’d say it like this; love is joy in truth and thus true joy. Loving someone you do your best to guide them to truth and joy. You allow for it, you make way for it, you look for it, and if this happens to be then you sacrifice for it as well.
Love is unconditionally given. There is one primordial condition however, simply that you do not kill joy for the sake of joy. You don’t give up your own love on behalf of love. If you do the gift given turns sour and cold. Which as a one time chief I can tell you is a dish that few find palatable. Loving is finding ways to live together with someone who is not yourself, no matter how often you see them or how much you talk it’s about accepting them into your life as surely as you yourself are placed therein.

Interviewer: You speak with a great degree of certainty about love, would you then say you can define it’s presence? Or that you always know when it’s there?

Sol: no I would not. I do have a good guide however. When someone loves you. And that love is more than just affection or enjoying your company, or wanting you around for some more specifically selfish reason. Then they want you to be healthy and strong. They want you to have empowerment and joy. Without regard for what repercussions will or will not be visited upon themselves. Likewise someone who will participate in your self destruction or stagnation, while they may be more palatable to be around, no matter how much affection they hold for you or how intense it is they do not truly love you. There’s much in this life that evokes much passion, even pleasure or comfort, that is nothing of love.

Interviewer: You have been known to quote that being a poet is a condition not a profession, so I’m wondering what is the condition of your poetry?

Sol: Clever. My poetry has taken a signficint step backwards chronological in some ways. Which is a huge progression to my voice as a writer and artist. It’s a sticky task to find your voice in this world and communicate what you witness. It’s insurmountable if you lose who you are to the somewhat petty convincers of preconceived conventions.

Interviewer: So you’re against learning of any standardized forms of art or writing?

Sol: Not at all, I’m very much for the learning for all of them. They make great stained glass for the creation of true art. But you wouldn’t put up pains of solid colored glass in a Cathedral and call it inspirational, the same here applies. Someone who was briefly a teacher of mine said that you have to know the rules to before you brake them. He meant that you earn the right that way, because you earn the grasp of what’s happening. Just remember as you’re learning from all those that you see, innovations, inspirations, and greatness never came from puerile mimicry.

Interviewer: what troubles you most?

Sol: that I still haven’t shaken my old habits.

Interviewer: care to elaborate?

Sol: I have a number of mistakes that I’ve habitually made and at this point I not only know it but how to solve it, I am troubled by the remainder that’s un-dealt with.

Interviewer: what makes you smile?

Sol: these days or always?

Interviewer: these days.

Sol: renewed faith. My own.

Interviewer: what brought that about?

Sol: a Cross is a wonderful symbol and inspiration when you chose the right one.

Interviewer: Care to be a bit more cryptic?

Sol: no thanks, I think that says it nicely.

Interviewer: You moved largely based on choices of education and profession, what are your present goals within those fields?

Sol: Again the same as they always have been except that I’m dispelling the impulse to settle. I’m learning Forensic Psychology, or Psych Profiling for short. I’m looking for a school to learn martial arts in and will attain mastery before all’s said and done. And I’m throwing myself headlong into art again because I’m going to be successful in that field.

Interviewer: Tall order what have you done towards it recently?

Sol: Made contact with a few old friends to establish closer ties to the martial arts community as well as compiling a list of the schools/styles that I’m interested in studying. I’m also watching more, training more. The same is true of Psych Profiling I don’t pass up opportunities to exercise the skills of the trade. I’m also getting set to go to school within the field. The arts I’ve worked on my voice and my bass somewhat consistently and I’ve written three pieces today alone.

Interviewer: Is that all?

Sol: actually no, I’m spending the most of my time and energy becoming a firebrand. We need more of them. So I’m up for it.

Interviewer: Well that about does it for the time we have on this first interview anything you’d like to say to our readers before we close this up?

Sol: remember neither time nor distance effects truth or love, it just allows them to be more readily ignored. Be careful of it.

Interviewer: Indeed... well that’s it we’ll have another interview here with Sol later on but this will hopefully tide you over for a while.

time, is on my side, yes it is

I spend every day looking at a glass pyramid rising to frame a monolithic Pharaoh, bracketed by two flights of sweeping stairs. All set together in a sky made golden by the slanting rays of the sun.

I’ve put this image on the desktop of my computer as it resonates to me, it speaks of hope and joy and the power unleashed by pure truth and freedom.

I feel this more every day, I feel this and I smile, I have a few very close friends and my younger second self to thank for this *grins* you know who you are. I’m more than pleased I’m empowered and it’s the next step in my personal evolution. I my desire to share this joyous sensation with you who read herein is what’s inspired my writing today. I hope I’ve opened up some sliver of a view to what I mean, it feels exceptional and as I have my way everyone of you will know it for yourselves, first hand. As for me it’s time I move forward with taking reality by storm *smiles warmly*

Wish me luck
Sol

Reflextions on my teens

At sixteen years old I had it all figured out, I think at that age many of us do. I knew what I career I would peruse, what schooling I would need to succeed. What environment I wanted to live in, how much I’d make and the answers to all of the ‘why’ about all of this. By sixteen years old all these plans were obliterated by meeting the love of my life Sarah. Common enough name for a girl who has always been, to me, earthshaking. She taught me the value of living in the moment without even knowing that she had. She was the inspiration for my social coming of age and the motivation behind my long over due emergence into a world my home schooled upbringing had long kept me a step apart form. By my sixteenth birthday I’d never been kissed, I’d never been drunk, I’d never taken a pill or a powder, I often refused painkillers or antibiotics. I’d never been on a date or had a girlfriend. I didn’t know what terms like ‘flirt’ and ‘tease’ meant when uttered by most people. I wouldn’t have been able to pick someone ‘hitting on’ me out of a crowed for a thousand dollars in cash. I didn’t drink caffeine, I didn’t eat sugar, or meat. I didn’t like to eat anything which the words “deep fried” could describe. I wasn’t aware that what I called fun was ‘exercise’ and considered and obligation by most people. I didn’t know that anyone would try to force somebody else to learn, much less condition them to learn a preset ideology.

By seventeen almost all of this was changed or on it’s way to being. By seventeen I’d been propositioned by the majority of my friends girl friends. Something I’m proud to say I have chosen to turn down putting friendship above temporary gratifications. By seventeen, I’d cheated and been cheated on and discovered that it hurt more to brake faith myself than to have it broken with me. Somewhere in there I was introduced to threesomes first in concept by a friend of mine in a conversation he had in my presence. Then in actuality by an ever changing parade of combinations of friends and acquaintances, most of whom were female. I learned that I could almost freeze to death, turn purple with cold, and feel it less than the sting of seeing the girl I loved with someone else no matter what ‘right’ I had to say so or not. I learned that I could drink more than was healthy and survive a plethora of bad judgment, most of it other peoples but some of it mine as well. I learned that I could exist on almost no water in the heat of a desert summer and that for me there is reason enough to have faith in the face of mother culture. (A phrase I unabashedly steal from Daniel Quinn)

Before I left my teens there were some other lessons I learned. Choice is more important than the present state of things. Truth is sometimes so complex as to be functionally relative. Or as I like to say; reality is collaborative truth is personal. I learned that very few people even consider being as loyal as I am by default. I discovered that deep feeling, pure passion, total sincerity, and the very best of intentions aren’t enough in the face of fear, panic, pain, and jealousy. And I learned that even the most potent loves can be damaged if not wholly shattered by inconsistency. I learned that what people think of as “the one” or their “soulmate” is just someone who will see them for who they really are ugly and pure and accept that even when they don’t agree with it. And that we’ve been lied to twice by our stories, once when we were told the search for that connection had anything to do with romance or sex, and once when we were told that we’d only ever find one, and that if we were lucky.
I learned that everyone deserves, at least once, another chance and that most people will waste it. I learned that “what if” is one of the most popular ways to lie. I learned to my shock that sex isn’t about love, and to my eternal joy that love expressed through sex is one of the most amazing and wonderful experiences that could be hoped for. I learned that my mother was right, the first time will effect you forever, and I was happy that I’d listened to her advice before I made my choices. I learned that regrets are flags for our unfinished business and that living with them is the same as running out on our lives.
I found out that even when the lesson is learned a hard memory doesn’t become a happy one, but the poison does drain out of it over time.
I saw time and again how much more deeply judgmental Jon Q Public is than me, masses or single serving packets.

In the years since high school I’ve picked up a few things too. I’ve gotten better at sex, chit-chat, and coy one liners. I’ve gotten worse at having faith in people or being willing to count on anybody with my safety. I’ve see love conquer all, except self doubt and fear. And I’ve discovered that most people don’t want your help even when they ask for it. I’ve gotten better at asking for help, and worse at admitting when I need it. I’ve become stronger, and weaker. I’ve gotten injured and healed up (almost all the way). I’ve realized that saying what you mean, and meaning what you say doesn’t mean that you’ll be believed or understood and that even being completely literal and direct doesn’t shield you from being miss represented or having someone put their personal baggage before their experiences with you.

I’ve lost hope, and found it again. I’ve been tempted to lie, and relearned out pointless it is. I’ve discovered that compassion, love, confidence, and decency are the only things that seem to give life color and spark. And that panic, fear, and jealousy are all masks worn by one beast and that creature sickens me because it’s in the guts of all the things about this world that turn my stomach and brake my heart. I’ve learned that people would rather be needed than wanted. And would rather make relationships, especially sexual ones, akin to treaties or business deals than to artistic beauty expressed through human intimacy. I’ve learned that “it’s not death if you don’t except it”. And that mortality holds no repugnance for me yet I’ll fight it tooth and nail ever breath I take.

There’s a lot more but this will do for now, I don’t want to lose my clarity or honesty about these things. But I’ll give you just one more, I’ve learned that anyone who thinks “all women” or “all men” is a way to begin any accurate or honest statement is either blind, ignorant, or in denial.

Sol

Old school morning

there's something profundly Springsteen about getting off work and walking home into the dawn of a city street. Something, classic. And I got to be a part of that today. Feels great, like I've stepped somewhere into the annanels of hisotry. Talked so much about so much that my brain feels like mush, but it's a good mush. Life is again picking up and I see that there's been progress throughout. Time to put my money where my mouth is about amostly everything that's ready to hand. I challange I except egerly. But first, for today, it's time to sleep.

Good moring all, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight ;)

Sol

“...I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed...”

It’s a lyric from a song I adore, and until today(April 24, 2005) I didn’t really understand it. Maybe it’s an early birthday gift. I do have all of my other elements described before here in, but my desire, ability, intent to be devoted first and foremost to someone arises where there are conditions to foster it’s growth. Namely an understanding of it in me. Which is why I have so little of it in my life because I’ve yet to meet someone who holds much of it. My rambling aside for the moment let me share with you my Epiphany. There is a direct physiological correlation between how emotionally secure I feel about my romantic bonds and my libido. This also covers what little territory there is remaining within me at present that still sparks jealousy; this being when I feel I’m losing something, the simplest way to put it would be I don’t mind time spent with someone else so long as it doesn’t take away time from me. Now that’s a broad a crude measure because it’s not really about time per say even, it’s about weather or not the “in tune” level of my relationship is diminished by someone else being involved. The true divining rod would be comparing these two states i.e. “What she would do with Z here” & “What she would do without Z in the equation”. As long as the two states as they apply to intimate moments with me (not sexual that’s actually the least of it for me, intimate) match within a small margin then I have no problem. What gets me upset is when they don’t. What gets me jealous is when “Z” either doesn’t seem to give a damn (when “Z” is a friend) or is actively (weather overt or covert) contributing.

So what it boils down to is that all I’m seeking from a relationship is someone who sees and accepts me for who I am and who will in some small ways show me this through unique interactions with me which are unswayed by the influences of others regardless of gender, blood-tie, or anything else.

I guess when I finally brake it down my motives are not so different from anyone else are they?

Sol

"...it's the only place I wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah..."

New job, new school, new out look, whole new energy, same core me. Life feels good, what's been the moneky on my back driving me is currently in a head-lock being pummeled against the ropes. I'm on track again and it's of that realm titled "greatest feeln' ever". I'm splitting a gym membership with a friend o' mine and likely looking into studying with Master Moon (highly renown Martial Artist for those who don't obsess over such things like I do) then perhaps some open style prize fighting *grins* what can I say it's got a certain charm to me. I've got the 9-5 thing worked out after one day of hitting the pavement and I have the week off from it to go pull a golf gig which will pay more (how sweet is that?) plus my birthday is in three days after which my rich uncle sam will help me with school (fingers crossed) wherein I can learn the art of personality profiling and make a profession of being an expert witness and a Fed for a while until I'm willing to settel into teaching as a Prof somewhere. My goals and aspirations are finally coming back into focus again like they were before my sixteenth and that's a superb feeling. Throw in the Uncle Kracker song 'Yeah, yeah, yeah', a beer and a bag of chips on this my day off and I'm feeling pretty damn spiffy. The rest? well the rest isn't my problem to solve so long as I'm stable I'll be alright. Just needed to get on my feet so I'd stop feeling threatened by every other thing that happened and now I just feel good *grins*. So anyone know any good grants for an aspiring Forensic Psychologist?

Love to all,
Sol

“People are strange when you’re a Stranger”

I am so deeply fascinated by this phenomenon. The paradox of truth, especially as it plays out within the individual self of all people. I don’t mean that statement to imply it is a static state, far from it in truth, however it is I believe a wellspring we all dip into at some moment (or moments) in our life.
During “Pitch Black” the Character of James Riddick asks “are you afraid of the dark?” I have personally become greatly enamored with this character because of what he represents in the context of our society. The whole of that crash-landed group are archetypal avatars as well as individual characters. And I suppose I could go off on a whole tangent about that alone but I will not, at least at this time.

Paradox in both Physics and Psychology is a key element in maintaining a viable system. Now before I get lynched by my physicist friends let me say that my view on it ties into string theory and a whole host of other things but is too complex/convoluted to go into here without digressing. Besides with the best of my understanding, truth is not fact (and for that matter fact is not fact either, it’s an illusory conception like perfection implying a totality which is wholly unrealistic).

I’ve recently read a quote from Jung that sparks agreement with me, one of those ‘he’s saying what I said only better’ moments. The quote is “Mere suppression of the Shadow is as little a remedy as beheading would be for a headache.”

And as I watch our world on every level there is enaction of this very miss step occurring. It seems we live in an age where we’re so afraid as a culture that we cannot acknowledge our own part in darkness. Even tho darkness is not a synonym for evil it has been vilified as such because it holds that which we shove away. Think about movies such as “meet the parents” and then think about something like “the last boy-scout” which one did you wince more during? The majority of people flinch more in the face of personal embarrassment than external carnage.

On a cultural level a glaring example of this is a missing part in our response to the Al Quida attacks of September. We have never once owned up, as a nation, to our clear and glaring part in creating that tragedy. Moreover we shout down anyone who’d allude to it’s presence trying to claim that they’re attempting to justify the actions of the hijackers. What a glaring logical fallacy that assertion is, and yet as a nation we suck it down without batting an eye.
“This event is shocking and senseless” “we had no way of anticipating” etc.
Point blank, we trained the man. Should our CIA have known he was a threat? Yes because they taught him how to do what he does. Should Bush Sr. Have know? Yes because he was running the CIA at the time. Go find some old tapes of Olly North. Back during Iran contra he was sighting this danger during hearings. Now granted he was doing it to get himself off the hook, but that’s hardly the point.

We are culturally conditioned to repress and deny being indoctrinated into the misconception that this somehow promotes stability. Which is as sane and reasonable as saying you should build your house a Old Faithful because it makes the foundation secure. We are literally creating within individuals and socity as a whole, a vast pressure cooker of unexpressed and unrecognized emotions & thoughts. Like the parents who spank their child for play fighting with friends. The child is taught that ‘his’ impulse to express such feelings in a playful manner is unacceptable, while being shown that to do so as a method of punishing others is acceptable. That is a dangerous precedent to set and our culture is rife with them.

This repression is a prime source of the “quite man” phenomenon. As in when neighbors state that they can’t believe so and so would ever do anything wrong because he was such a quite man. The concept that if someone is completely self inclosed and doesn’t demonstrate or share any profound human emotions that they are deemed “safe” is baffling to me. A lack of social interaction is not a sign of social good health.

Or the parent who’d rather smile when upset than show an honest emotion in front of their children. Only later to explode as the emotions build up over time. If someone makes an irritating noise once that’s all it is. But if we’re taught we have no right to comment on or change it then after hours/days/years of listening to the same noise thoughts of violence are apt to become more prevalent. The same as after a bad day someone is more likely to get into a bar fight than after a good day. The emotions build up just like water behind a dam.

What fascinates me most in all of this however is that I came to this understanding and made the choice to be clear with myself and others about who I was all the way back in my pre-teens. And it’s taken consistent work to succeed especially in the face of such social static, but it’s easily been worth it. And I wonder why so few within our nation or “civilized” world have done the same. I must especially wonder in at it’s lack in the face of an overwhelming volume of mythological and psychological references to the necessity of doing so. Most notably in the latter field is the above quoted Carl Jung. All of this to me begs two questions, first “who’s idea was it to begin enforcing this repression? And to what end?” and second “why have we has a whole lacked the will to divest ourselves of this deeply harmful paradigm of behavior even when presented with so much insight urging us to do percicly that.”

I’m sure I will come back to this subject more than once, but for now I’ll leave it. If anyone would care to venture guesses as to the answers to my questions I’d be interested to hear them.

Sol

“Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and
Show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on

Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?

Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it, why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself

Once I used to believe
I was such a great romancer
Then I came home to a woman
That I could not recognize
When I pressed her for a reason
She refused to even answer
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes

Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?

Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself

You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn't always evil
And he is not always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions
You will never quench the fire
You'll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.”

The Stranger
by
Billy Joel

"...all these little abandonments, how the seem so real to me..."

Well this is another section from a conversation folks. This is in response to a very heart felt description of some personal wounds my friend suffered so I won't be including those, also this is a very emotionally based piece from me so some statements of absolute have crept in, as always absolutes tend not be literal.

The doubts and the fears and the height of nothingness within yourself has a face and a name and can be overcome. I know it all to well within me. I was always left out and outside because I was home schooled and we moved all the time to finish my fathers PhD. I broke down when we sold our first car because it was something that held familiarity to me and it was one of the only things left. I've spent the bulk of my life on the outside of everything looking in through a glass wall of social differences. All I want really is for someone to accept me for who and what I am without reservation and then help me try to attain new heights for myself. To push me whenever I set a goal for myself, and to do it not because of any cost or benefit they receive from it but because it's what I need. As the song says "this is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is". This is something I've always lacked in a major way. This core to rely upon. I have friends, good ones, but as you know there's some part of things that needs to be filled by a romantic element, that’s what’s lacking and that's the most complicated to find. At least for me it has been. I can feel my relationships coming to an end one by one. Can feel the substance of them slipping away into vapors when it's short on life left in it. And I dread that sensation, see ghosts and jump at shadows where there are none to be found. I'm wonderfully gifted at getting attention when I'm bound to do it. As such I'm also gifted at getting ladies into bed with me if I so desire. And everyone thinks this is reason enough for me to be happy, as if sex is what I'm seeking or all I need. *small sad face* I will admit I enjoy it, perhaps more than most people and I've even used it as a distraction from when everywhere hurts so badly I can't breath. But it's no substitute. I demand a lot out of a relationship, but no more than I willingly put in. I'm not big on symmetry tho, and that's even harder. I make rules for myself and enforce symmetry to make sure I'm not exploiting anyone, however my heart's not always in it.. and in some ways I think that shows. Every woman I've been with, and even some that I haven't dated but just have had some level of involvement with, has eventually gotten to the place where they leave me because they can't stand how easy it is for me to acquire the attentions of other women. I have to point out here that it's not they can't stand how much I use this ability, it’s the fact that it's there at all which Gauls them so. I know because I've tried gutting anything I can think of out of myself and my actions to remove it, repress it, and just not indulge in it. And nothing is ever enough. I have been completely devoted before, so much so that I would do ANYTHING within my power to make this girl happy, no matter what I thought about it or felt about it. And that still wasn't enough, she was still obsessed with how I was ‘this’ or ‘that’ with someone else. It got to the point where I was being told that having profound conversations with members of the female sex was infringing on infidelity. That just broke my heart. Since then I've given up trying to avoid it and now I just hope to find some people who will understand me for it and accept that this is who I am. I have friends that do, but hell even some of my closets friends still struggle with accepting me on this, I feel like it's the same as if I'd "come out" as homosexual... even the ones who still love me act just a little bit 'different' now. It makes me sad. And with how big on truth I am it also makes me crazy, because I don’t want to wear on my sleeve either of the main elements involved in this. My adaptation; that I'm not one for total exclusivity (viewed largely as "oh look he's shallow and just wants sex"). Or the inborn element that I just attract peoples notice and seem to provoke some greater than average sexual interest (viewed mostly as a statement of raw ego and pure unadulterated arrogance). So I don't bring it up... and then I feel disingenuous much of the time, because it's one thing not to say something, but it's another thing when it's buzzing around your brain like a burning hornet all the time and you never speak a word of it. You know once a friend and I were board and for our own amusement starting trying to call how long it would take one of us to seduce girls that we happened to notice in the course of where ever our travels for the day were taking us. I mention this only because there's long before that been another tally in the back of my head that is it’s converse. The one which upon seeing into someone makes the call of how long they'd be likely to last in a relationship with me before they too walk out on me. *sigh*. So yah, I dig insecurities. And I too know right where mine are coming from.

“...echoing down lawless avenues.”

I’ve always been a big one for trust and honesty, by now I think that nearly anyone reading this will already know that. Which has presented me with ‘a bit of a sticky wicket’ one might say. That being how to develop and build trust and honesty, loyalty and affection, within the context of a world which preys on them so voraciously. While at the same time not opening up myself in turn to be preyed on. Here is my conclusion; allow a time, which varies, to grow to know someone. Allow sufficient time to at least begin to become friends. Then as I say “everybody gets one”. A mulligan, a reset, a clean slate. In other words even for some of the most hurtful things that could be done to me, some of the most egregious moments of miss conduct, I will allow another chance after a clear discussion and being sure I made my point. You see as fundamentally idealistic as I am, I am still a student of war and so I know that to survive you must pick or battles. And sometimes you must retreat to conquer. I just retain faith in this quote “above all things truth beareth away the victory”. I wish more people would practice it. My trip ‘through the looking glass’ in my last post has reminded me that while self assurance and faith are both elements of great power which can be life altering, neither will alter or life for good if flown blind. So my friends the reset button has been tapped, let us hope that it doesn’t come down to that again. Because even idealistic me will only even one free play.

One last thing deserves honorable mention here, I’m feeling better not just on my own but thanks to the help love and support of many friends. Thanks to you all you I feel sure know who you are and I love you each. And anybody trying to pick up new music try VNV Nation on for size, particularly their songs Dark Angel and Kingdom. It’s music that’s proved uplifting and helpful in me seeing my way clear of this thicket I landed in.

until later all,
Sol

A funny thing, or "Never say Never Alice"

You know I wasn't going to post this at all, then I read Franks post and while it's Thursday now this mood of mine is bleed over from the "W" of doom, no not the guy in the white-house (tho he surely is a contender) the day of the week. I really have no heart to get into the details, suffice to say that I've been disrespected, dismissed, and basically betrayed by someone I couldn't quite bring myself to believe would do that. And the harshest part of it all, not even the actions (or lack there of) but the sad fact that she (yea who didn't see that coming) doesn't even get it, can't seem to grasp why I'm upset at all. I guess it's just me who finds it hurtful when someone I love treats my word as meaningless, my principles as a facade, and our agreements with each other as trivial.
I know I know I'm being cynical and self pitying. But hell if I do it here then those who care can read it and any who don't can easily ignore it without harm done. At least I feel a little less alone this way. You know I count myself a fair judge of character, but I never saw this coming.

Answers to a couple long time questions, and a thought to boot.

Why do I not miss people or have struggles when someones gone? Why because so much of me is permeated with the sensation of being alone all the time, so having an external to match the internal doesn't make it that much harder to bear. Harder to be sure, but not so much that it can't be dealt with.
What makes/made Zoe so special? In this context for the first time I can explain that question I've been so often asked. And the answer is this, she saw me. Without reason to be able, or even desire to do so often as not, she just saw me. And I was instantly addicted to that. When did things really start to come apart? When her vision of me started to become a 'picture' of me (i.e. who she wanted me to become) and lost it's nature of being 'sight' of me (i.e. just grasping who I was, even with all my flaws). I used to think I'd never have that again. Now I know that I will have it, but it will be a few years for that to come to pass. My younger brother Ender, he could see me with his eyes closed, because far more often than not all he has to do is look in the mirror. The only reason he doesn't "see" me yet, is because there are some things that I'm not willing to place into the world of someone who's still so young. It's a revelation because I once thought only romance (the story book kind that binds love sex and social commitment all together) could catalyze this kind of 'sight'. Now I know differently. But I truly believe that this feeling, of being KNOWN of being SEEN is what everyone is craving in "the one". And they're right in the sense that romance, sex, love, and commitment all foster the possibility of this 'sight'. But they're wrong in thinking that it is "one" or has to be singular or even in any way romantic. And it can be heartbreaking to watch my loved ones go through pain I know all to well when I have the lesson right here to express, and can't seem to find the words that call to be heeded.

A question to consider?

does affection = influence for you? Because it doesn't for me, it makes a lot of sense that it would, and that could indeed explain why so many people believe I don't really care for them. Because for me influence has sparingly little to do with affection. Influence for me is tied to specific areas and is created almost solely based on tried and proven (cred)ability. I guess it could be said simply thus. If "X" is a given action to be taken, then those with influence would effect how I went about it and would be the ones I'd want to do it with. While those with affection would effect weather or not I did it at all, and would be the ones I'd do it for. To be sure the two can coincide. But for me, more often than not, they don't.

My Horoscope for the day, as well a good reminder...

You could decide to let go of something today. Maybe a project you are working on has been frustrating you. Don't be stubborn and suffer in silence! Get help from a partner or a friend. Or pass the work off to someone professional who could help you with it efficiently. You need to be more conscious about how you utilize energy. Sometimes you stick with something just out of pride. There is nothing weak in your character if you give up on something that doesn't work!

A rant we can all love (even if it is to hate)

Hey it's me again Hank the Cowdog... no wait, those are just very humorous audio tapes...
so I'm back and I'm talking about one of those great things that is more underated than almost anything else in the world. Honesty

yes that's right folks the often used and rarely adheared to virtue of being a straight shooter. It gets more lip service than the clientell of some Vagus service industries.

I'll open with the words (some of them anyway) from the Depeche Mode song POLICY OF TRUTH.

It’s just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth

. . .

You’ll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth

They collectivly describe the over all attitude that greats the idea of truth. Yes surely these are not the ideas that are said to be supported, but actions speak louder than words.
I will be blunt, I find lies to be purely a sign of weakness just like the fear they are based on. No one who is without fear will lie, and the more fearless the person they fewer their deceptions. I would challange anyone reading this to provide me with a solid example of where a lie shows courage. I will debate the point hotly but if you can show me otherwise (and yes I will really be considering what's said) then I'll change my tune.

Here's my oppinion, if you have weakness of self, if you have doubt in your own person, if you fear that your intent is infeiror to those around you and cannot stand on it's own merits then you will lie. I have seen many lies, all of them are a result of worry or fear of some kind weather valid or invalid. But there is always another option, if you don't for whatever reason feel it right and wise to state what you know you don't have to lie you just have to tell the plain truth, and simply say "I'm not going to answer that". Well there's more, oh so much more that this rant could hold but I'll do it later, the ladies here I believe need attention so I'm going to cut it short.

Please all if you comment on none of the others comment on this one, it's more key than almost anything for yours truely and I want to test it as fully as I'm able. Which of course means help.

Sol

A patchwork of thoughts

"Take me as I am
I'm not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I'm still learning
How to love again and stop hurting"

it's been playing through my head nonstop for almost 17 hours now, yes I woke up hearing it a few times during the night. And it makes sense really, because that's what my will boils down too at this moment. The sentiment expressed within those words. It's what spurred the creation of this blog (in addition to the insistence of many good friends of mine *grins*) and what keeps me questing for answers. The song is not surprisingly titled Take me as I am. And it's by Tonic. This post is going to jump hither and yon as the subject implies, but I Thought I'd state it directly as well.


I've found my second tattoo, the one which balances the first that I am getting on my left arm... a tribal black rose partly budding for those who I haven't mentioned it too. It's reciprocal is the one I've just discovered and that is a karasu (or crow) who's image is being lifted from an ancient standard of imperial Japan and is, among other things, an honorific to the deities of the sun.

Now an excerpt from a conversation, the question being basically what I thought of love as an idea, force, emotion, what have you.

love I do believe in, and I believe it has value, I believe it to be boundless rather than finite, and like flowers to have many breeds and seasons. It is a growing thing, one which in all is cycling states requires care and which will flourish or die depending on the harmony of it's climate, care, and breed. Even among roses there are many ways to care for a flower, our tragedy in this life seems to be that we've allowed or selves to believe that there is only one.

This next bit is in reaction to a question I’ve had a friend pose to me about my “bullheadedness” and why I won’t back down even in some seemingly trivial situations.

It is my own and only true personal space. I grew up with a large family both extended and immediate and I grew up moving all the time. I had so little that was mine in any way that when we sold our first car I cried and was hollow feeling for days because it was more home to me than any place I had. So rather than continue to be distraught I adapted, I evolved. And I took my personal space within myself. I do not ever evoke or provoke invasions of it by my deigned or intended act. So when someone violates it wantonly I won't let it slide, won't give them one fucking inch because it would put me back there. Despondent, dissolute, disenfranchised. It would, weather in part or whole, take my life away from me. Just like drinking or doing drugs until I have blackouts would. Just like deceptions that feed the holes in my memories would. I won't give up my life for anyone, I'd literally rather die first. So I won't give an inch. There's a quote that says "A hero is a man who's more afraid to run away" that's me. You see if they'd picked any "word" that wasn't already an "issue" and made the same request to test their idea I would have placated them and tried it even tho I knew they were wrong, that's fine with me. What I cannot and will not do is give in when someone's trying to "push" to "make me" ....well fill in the blank really, if someones trying to make me do anything they'd better be able to physically MAKE ME do every step of it for otherwise they will be disappointed. I've always done that, ever since the first time I was to think about the concept back when I was maybe 3 years old. Besides I don't need to laugh at the rules or brake them. Just like I don't need to honor the rules or follow them. What I need to do myself is ignore the rules and show a disregard for them. They are non-definitive of me, not for or against. For me ending the irrational and idiotic confrontation quickly isn't anywhere near as imperative as ending it PERMEANTLY, or at the very least giving enough negative re-enforcement that it won't be directed toward me any longer. I do pick my battles, I just have differing objectives. And my definition of victory especially in an unreasonable confrontation is simply denying they opposition what they want from or of me.

And the next bit here is stolen from a response I was given to one of my little soap boxes on here. I quite like it because it feels good/true, at least it makes me smile. All of which means that I’ve adopted it in some part as well as having had the makings of it in me... right well my babbling is done for the day, I’m off to figure out how to make my living from one of my favorite holidays.