It’s a lyric from a song I adore, and until today(April 24, 2005) I didn’t really understand it. Maybe it’s an early birthday gift. I do have all of my other elements described before here in, but my desire, ability, intent to be devoted first and foremost to someone arises where there are conditions to foster it’s growth. Namely an understanding of it in me. Which is why I have so little of it in my life because I’ve yet to meet someone who holds much of it. My rambling aside for the moment let me share with you my Epiphany. There is a direct physiological correlation between how emotionally secure I feel about my romantic bonds and my libido. This also covers what little territory there is remaining within me at present that still sparks jealousy; this being when I feel I’m losing something, the simplest way to put it would be I don’t mind time spent with someone else so long as it doesn’t take away time from me. Now that’s a broad a crude measure because it’s not really about time per say even, it’s about weather or not the “in tune” level of my relationship is diminished by someone else being involved. The true divining rod would be comparing these two states i.e. “What she would do with Z here” & “What she would do without Z in the equation”. As long as the two states as they apply to intimate moments with me (not sexual that’s actually the least of it for me, intimate) match within a small margin then I have no problem. What gets me upset is when they don’t. What gets me jealous is when “Z” either doesn’t seem to give a damn (when “Z” is a friend) or is actively (weather overt or covert) contributing.
So what it boils down to is that all I’m seeking from a relationship is someone who sees and accepts me for who I am and who will in some small ways show me this through unique interactions with me which are unswayed by the influences of others regardless of gender, blood-tie, or anything else.
I guess when I finally brake it down my motives are not so different from anyone else are they?
Sol
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
"...it's the only place I wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah..."
New job, new school, new out look, whole new energy, same core me. Life feels good, what's been the moneky on my back driving me is currently in a head-lock being pummeled against the ropes. I'm on track again and it's of that realm titled "greatest feeln' ever". I'm splitting a gym membership with a friend o' mine and likely looking into studying with Master Moon (highly renown Martial Artist for those who don't obsess over such things like I do) then perhaps some open style prize fighting *grins* what can I say it's got a certain charm to me. I've got the 9-5 thing worked out after one day of hitting the pavement and I have the week off from it to go pull a golf gig which will pay more (how sweet is that?) plus my birthday is in three days after which my rich uncle sam will help me with school (fingers crossed) wherein I can learn the art of personality profiling and make a profession of being an expert witness and a Fed for a while until I'm willing to settel into teaching as a Prof somewhere. My goals and aspirations are finally coming back into focus again like they were before my sixteenth and that's a superb feeling. Throw in the Uncle Kracker song 'Yeah, yeah, yeah', a beer and a bag of chips on this my day off and I'm feeling pretty damn spiffy. The rest? well the rest isn't my problem to solve so long as I'm stable I'll be alright. Just needed to get on my feet so I'd stop feeling threatened by every other thing that happened and now I just feel good *grins*. So anyone know any good grants for an aspiring Forensic Psychologist?
Love to all,
Sol
Love to all,
Sol
Thursday, April 14, 2005
“People are strange when you’re a Stranger”
I am so deeply fascinated by this phenomenon. The paradox of truth, especially as it plays out within the individual self of all people. I don’t mean that statement to imply it is a static state, far from it in truth, however it is I believe a wellspring we all dip into at some moment (or moments) in our life.
During “Pitch Black” the Character of James Riddick asks “are you afraid of the dark?” I have personally become greatly enamored with this character because of what he represents in the context of our society. The whole of that crash-landed group are archetypal avatars as well as individual characters. And I suppose I could go off on a whole tangent about that alone but I will not, at least at this time.
Paradox in both Physics and Psychology is a key element in maintaining a viable system. Now before I get lynched by my physicist friends let me say that my view on it ties into string theory and a whole host of other things but is too complex/convoluted to go into here without digressing. Besides with the best of my understanding, truth is not fact (and for that matter fact is not fact either, it’s an illusory conception like perfection implying a totality which is wholly unrealistic).
I’ve recently read a quote from Jung that sparks agreement with me, one of those ‘he’s saying what I said only better’ moments. The quote is “Mere suppression of the Shadow is as little a remedy as beheading would be for a headache.”
And as I watch our world on every level there is enaction of this very miss step occurring. It seems we live in an age where we’re so afraid as a culture that we cannot acknowledge our own part in darkness. Even tho darkness is not a synonym for evil it has been vilified as such because it holds that which we shove away. Think about movies such as “meet the parents” and then think about something like “the last boy-scout” which one did you wince more during? The majority of people flinch more in the face of personal embarrassment than external carnage.
On a cultural level a glaring example of this is a missing part in our response to the Al Quida attacks of September. We have never once owned up, as a nation, to our clear and glaring part in creating that tragedy. Moreover we shout down anyone who’d allude to it’s presence trying to claim that they’re attempting to justify the actions of the hijackers. What a glaring logical fallacy that assertion is, and yet as a nation we suck it down without batting an eye.
“This event is shocking and senseless” “we had no way of anticipating” etc.
Point blank, we trained the man. Should our CIA have known he was a threat? Yes because they taught him how to do what he does. Should Bush Sr. Have know? Yes because he was running the CIA at the time. Go find some old tapes of Olly North. Back during Iran contra he was sighting this danger during hearings. Now granted he was doing it to get himself off the hook, but that’s hardly the point.
We are culturally conditioned to repress and deny being indoctrinated into the misconception that this somehow promotes stability. Which is as sane and reasonable as saying you should build your house a Old Faithful because it makes the foundation secure. We are literally creating within individuals and socity as a whole, a vast pressure cooker of unexpressed and unrecognized emotions & thoughts. Like the parents who spank their child for play fighting with friends. The child is taught that ‘his’ impulse to express such feelings in a playful manner is unacceptable, while being shown that to do so as a method of punishing others is acceptable. That is a dangerous precedent to set and our culture is rife with them.
This repression is a prime source of the “quite man” phenomenon. As in when neighbors state that they can’t believe so and so would ever do anything wrong because he was such a quite man. The concept that if someone is completely self inclosed and doesn’t demonstrate or share any profound human emotions that they are deemed “safe” is baffling to me. A lack of social interaction is not a sign of social good health.
Or the parent who’d rather smile when upset than show an honest emotion in front of their children. Only later to explode as the emotions build up over time. If someone makes an irritating noise once that’s all it is. But if we’re taught we have no right to comment on or change it then after hours/days/years of listening to the same noise thoughts of violence are apt to become more prevalent. The same as after a bad day someone is more likely to get into a bar fight than after a good day. The emotions build up just like water behind a dam.
What fascinates me most in all of this however is that I came to this understanding and made the choice to be clear with myself and others about who I was all the way back in my pre-teens. And it’s taken consistent work to succeed especially in the face of such social static, but it’s easily been worth it. And I wonder why so few within our nation or “civilized” world have done the same. I must especially wonder in at it’s lack in the face of an overwhelming volume of mythological and psychological references to the necessity of doing so. Most notably in the latter field is the above quoted Carl Jung. All of this to me begs two questions, first “who’s idea was it to begin enforcing this repression? And to what end?” and second “why have we has a whole lacked the will to divest ourselves of this deeply harmful paradigm of behavior even when presented with so much insight urging us to do percicly that.”
I’m sure I will come back to this subject more than once, but for now I’ll leave it. If anyone would care to venture guesses as to the answers to my questions I’d be interested to hear them.
Sol
“Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and
Show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it, why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself
Once I used to believe
I was such a great romancer
Then I came home to a woman
That I could not recognize
When I pressed her for a reason
She refused to even answer
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself
You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn't always evil
And he is not always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions
You will never quench the fire
You'll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.”
The Stranger
by
Billy Joel
During “Pitch Black” the Character of James Riddick asks “are you afraid of the dark?” I have personally become greatly enamored with this character because of what he represents in the context of our society. The whole of that crash-landed group are archetypal avatars as well as individual characters. And I suppose I could go off on a whole tangent about that alone but I will not, at least at this time.
Paradox in both Physics and Psychology is a key element in maintaining a viable system. Now before I get lynched by my physicist friends let me say that my view on it ties into string theory and a whole host of other things but is too complex/convoluted to go into here without digressing. Besides with the best of my understanding, truth is not fact (and for that matter fact is not fact either, it’s an illusory conception like perfection implying a totality which is wholly unrealistic).
I’ve recently read a quote from Jung that sparks agreement with me, one of those ‘he’s saying what I said only better’ moments. The quote is “Mere suppression of the Shadow is as little a remedy as beheading would be for a headache.”
And as I watch our world on every level there is enaction of this very miss step occurring. It seems we live in an age where we’re so afraid as a culture that we cannot acknowledge our own part in darkness. Even tho darkness is not a synonym for evil it has been vilified as such because it holds that which we shove away. Think about movies such as “meet the parents” and then think about something like “the last boy-scout” which one did you wince more during? The majority of people flinch more in the face of personal embarrassment than external carnage.
On a cultural level a glaring example of this is a missing part in our response to the Al Quida attacks of September. We have never once owned up, as a nation, to our clear and glaring part in creating that tragedy. Moreover we shout down anyone who’d allude to it’s presence trying to claim that they’re attempting to justify the actions of the hijackers. What a glaring logical fallacy that assertion is, and yet as a nation we suck it down without batting an eye.
“This event is shocking and senseless” “we had no way of anticipating” etc.
Point blank, we trained the man. Should our CIA have known he was a threat? Yes because they taught him how to do what he does. Should Bush Sr. Have know? Yes because he was running the CIA at the time. Go find some old tapes of Olly North. Back during Iran contra he was sighting this danger during hearings. Now granted he was doing it to get himself off the hook, but that’s hardly the point.
We are culturally conditioned to repress and deny being indoctrinated into the misconception that this somehow promotes stability. Which is as sane and reasonable as saying you should build your house a Old Faithful because it makes the foundation secure. We are literally creating within individuals and socity as a whole, a vast pressure cooker of unexpressed and unrecognized emotions & thoughts. Like the parents who spank their child for play fighting with friends. The child is taught that ‘his’ impulse to express such feelings in a playful manner is unacceptable, while being shown that to do so as a method of punishing others is acceptable. That is a dangerous precedent to set and our culture is rife with them.
This repression is a prime source of the “quite man” phenomenon. As in when neighbors state that they can’t believe so and so would ever do anything wrong because he was such a quite man. The concept that if someone is completely self inclosed and doesn’t demonstrate or share any profound human emotions that they are deemed “safe” is baffling to me. A lack of social interaction is not a sign of social good health.
Or the parent who’d rather smile when upset than show an honest emotion in front of their children. Only later to explode as the emotions build up over time. If someone makes an irritating noise once that’s all it is. But if we’re taught we have no right to comment on or change it then after hours/days/years of listening to the same noise thoughts of violence are apt to become more prevalent. The same as after a bad day someone is more likely to get into a bar fight than after a good day. The emotions build up just like water behind a dam.
What fascinates me most in all of this however is that I came to this understanding and made the choice to be clear with myself and others about who I was all the way back in my pre-teens. And it’s taken consistent work to succeed especially in the face of such social static, but it’s easily been worth it. And I wonder why so few within our nation or “civilized” world have done the same. I must especially wonder in at it’s lack in the face of an overwhelming volume of mythological and psychological references to the necessity of doing so. Most notably in the latter field is the above quoted Carl Jung. All of this to me begs two questions, first “who’s idea was it to begin enforcing this repression? And to what end?” and second “why have we has a whole lacked the will to divest ourselves of this deeply harmful paradigm of behavior even when presented with so much insight urging us to do percicly that.”
I’m sure I will come back to this subject more than once, but for now I’ll leave it. If anyone would care to venture guesses as to the answers to my questions I’d be interested to hear them.
Sol
“Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and
Show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it, why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself
Once I used to believe
I was such a great romancer
Then I came home to a woman
That I could not recognize
When I pressed her for a reason
She refused to even answer
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself
You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn't always evil
And he is not always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions
You will never quench the fire
You'll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.”
The Stranger
by
Billy Joel
Monday, April 11, 2005
"...all these little abandonments, how the seem so real to me..."
Well this is another section from a conversation folks. This is in response to a very heart felt description of some personal wounds my friend suffered so I won't be including those, also this is a very emotionally based piece from me so some statements of absolute have crept in, as always absolutes tend not be literal.
The doubts and the fears and the height of nothingness within yourself has a face and a name and can be overcome. I know it all to well within me. I was always left out and outside because I was home schooled and we moved all the time to finish my fathers PhD. I broke down when we sold our first car because it was something that held familiarity to me and it was one of the only things left. I've spent the bulk of my life on the outside of everything looking in through a glass wall of social differences. All I want really is for someone to accept me for who and what I am without reservation and then help me try to attain new heights for myself. To push me whenever I set a goal for myself, and to do it not because of any cost or benefit they receive from it but because it's what I need. As the song says "this is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is". This is something I've always lacked in a major way. This core to rely upon. I have friends, good ones, but as you know there's some part of things that needs to be filled by a romantic element, that’s what’s lacking and that's the most complicated to find. At least for me it has been. I can feel my relationships coming to an end one by one. Can feel the substance of them slipping away into vapors when it's short on life left in it. And I dread that sensation, see ghosts and jump at shadows where there are none to be found. I'm wonderfully gifted at getting attention when I'm bound to do it. As such I'm also gifted at getting ladies into bed with me if I so desire. And everyone thinks this is reason enough for me to be happy, as if sex is what I'm seeking or all I need. *small sad face* I will admit I enjoy it, perhaps more than most people and I've even used it as a distraction from when everywhere hurts so badly I can't breath. But it's no substitute. I demand a lot out of a relationship, but no more than I willingly put in. I'm not big on symmetry tho, and that's even harder. I make rules for myself and enforce symmetry to make sure I'm not exploiting anyone, however my heart's not always in it.. and in some ways I think that shows. Every woman I've been with, and even some that I haven't dated but just have had some level of involvement with, has eventually gotten to the place where they leave me because they can't stand how easy it is for me to acquire the attentions of other women. I have to point out here that it's not they can't stand how much I use this ability, it’s the fact that it's there at all which Gauls them so. I know because I've tried gutting anything I can think of out of myself and my actions to remove it, repress it, and just not indulge in it. And nothing is ever enough. I have been completely devoted before, so much so that I would do ANYTHING within my power to make this girl happy, no matter what I thought about it or felt about it. And that still wasn't enough, she was still obsessed with how I was ‘this’ or ‘that’ with someone else. It got to the point where I was being told that having profound conversations with members of the female sex was infringing on infidelity. That just broke my heart. Since then I've given up trying to avoid it and now I just hope to find some people who will understand me for it and accept that this is who I am. I have friends that do, but hell even some of my closets friends still struggle with accepting me on this, I feel like it's the same as if I'd "come out" as homosexual... even the ones who still love me act just a little bit 'different' now. It makes me sad. And with how big on truth I am it also makes me crazy, because I don’t want to wear on my sleeve either of the main elements involved in this. My adaptation; that I'm not one for total exclusivity (viewed largely as "oh look he's shallow and just wants sex"). Or the inborn element that I just attract peoples notice and seem to provoke some greater than average sexual interest (viewed mostly as a statement of raw ego and pure unadulterated arrogance). So I don't bring it up... and then I feel disingenuous much of the time, because it's one thing not to say something, but it's another thing when it's buzzing around your brain like a burning hornet all the time and you never speak a word of it. You know once a friend and I were board and for our own amusement starting trying to call how long it would take one of us to seduce girls that we happened to notice in the course of where ever our travels for the day were taking us. I mention this only because there's long before that been another tally in the back of my head that is it’s converse. The one which upon seeing into someone makes the call of how long they'd be likely to last in a relationship with me before they too walk out on me. *sigh*. So yah, I dig insecurities. And I too know right where mine are coming from.
The doubts and the fears and the height of nothingness within yourself has a face and a name and can be overcome. I know it all to well within me. I was always left out and outside because I was home schooled and we moved all the time to finish my fathers PhD. I broke down when we sold our first car because it was something that held familiarity to me and it was one of the only things left. I've spent the bulk of my life on the outside of everything looking in through a glass wall of social differences. All I want really is for someone to accept me for who and what I am without reservation and then help me try to attain new heights for myself. To push me whenever I set a goal for myself, and to do it not because of any cost or benefit they receive from it but because it's what I need. As the song says "this is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is". This is something I've always lacked in a major way. This core to rely upon. I have friends, good ones, but as you know there's some part of things that needs to be filled by a romantic element, that’s what’s lacking and that's the most complicated to find. At least for me it has been. I can feel my relationships coming to an end one by one. Can feel the substance of them slipping away into vapors when it's short on life left in it. And I dread that sensation, see ghosts and jump at shadows where there are none to be found. I'm wonderfully gifted at getting attention when I'm bound to do it. As such I'm also gifted at getting ladies into bed with me if I so desire. And everyone thinks this is reason enough for me to be happy, as if sex is what I'm seeking or all I need. *small sad face* I will admit I enjoy it, perhaps more than most people and I've even used it as a distraction from when everywhere hurts so badly I can't breath. But it's no substitute. I demand a lot out of a relationship, but no more than I willingly put in. I'm not big on symmetry tho, and that's even harder. I make rules for myself and enforce symmetry to make sure I'm not exploiting anyone, however my heart's not always in it.. and in some ways I think that shows. Every woman I've been with, and even some that I haven't dated but just have had some level of involvement with, has eventually gotten to the place where they leave me because they can't stand how easy it is for me to acquire the attentions of other women. I have to point out here that it's not they can't stand how much I use this ability, it’s the fact that it's there at all which Gauls them so. I know because I've tried gutting anything I can think of out of myself and my actions to remove it, repress it, and just not indulge in it. And nothing is ever enough. I have been completely devoted before, so much so that I would do ANYTHING within my power to make this girl happy, no matter what I thought about it or felt about it. And that still wasn't enough, she was still obsessed with how I was ‘this’ or ‘that’ with someone else. It got to the point where I was being told that having profound conversations with members of the female sex was infringing on infidelity. That just broke my heart. Since then I've given up trying to avoid it and now I just hope to find some people who will understand me for it and accept that this is who I am. I have friends that do, but hell even some of my closets friends still struggle with accepting me on this, I feel like it's the same as if I'd "come out" as homosexual... even the ones who still love me act just a little bit 'different' now. It makes me sad. And with how big on truth I am it also makes me crazy, because I don’t want to wear on my sleeve either of the main elements involved in this. My adaptation; that I'm not one for total exclusivity (viewed largely as "oh look he's shallow and just wants sex"). Or the inborn element that I just attract peoples notice and seem to provoke some greater than average sexual interest (viewed mostly as a statement of raw ego and pure unadulterated arrogance). So I don't bring it up... and then I feel disingenuous much of the time, because it's one thing not to say something, but it's another thing when it's buzzing around your brain like a burning hornet all the time and you never speak a word of it. You know once a friend and I were board and for our own amusement starting trying to call how long it would take one of us to seduce girls that we happened to notice in the course of where ever our travels for the day were taking us. I mention this only because there's long before that been another tally in the back of my head that is it’s converse. The one which upon seeing into someone makes the call of how long they'd be likely to last in a relationship with me before they too walk out on me. *sigh*. So yah, I dig insecurities. And I too know right where mine are coming from.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
“...echoing down lawless avenues.”
I’ve always been a big one for trust and honesty, by now I think that nearly anyone reading this will already know that. Which has presented me with ‘a bit of a sticky wicket’ one might say. That being how to develop and build trust and honesty, loyalty and affection, within the context of a world which preys on them so voraciously. While at the same time not opening up myself in turn to be preyed on. Here is my conclusion; allow a time, which varies, to grow to know someone. Allow sufficient time to at least begin to become friends. Then as I say “everybody gets one”. A mulligan, a reset, a clean slate. In other words even for some of the most hurtful things that could be done to me, some of the most egregious moments of miss conduct, I will allow another chance after a clear discussion and being sure I made my point. You see as fundamentally idealistic as I am, I am still a student of war and so I know that to survive you must pick or battles. And sometimes you must retreat to conquer. I just retain faith in this quote “above all things truth beareth away the victory”. I wish more people would practice it. My trip ‘through the looking glass’ in my last post has reminded me that while self assurance and faith are both elements of great power which can be life altering, neither will alter or life for good if flown blind. So my friends the reset button has been tapped, let us hope that it doesn’t come down to that again. Because even idealistic me will only even one free play.
One last thing deserves honorable mention here, I’m feeling better not just on my own but thanks to the help love and support of many friends. Thanks to you all you I feel sure know who you are and I love you each. And anybody trying to pick up new music try VNV Nation on for size, particularly their songs Dark Angel and Kingdom. It’s music that’s proved uplifting and helpful in me seeing my way clear of this thicket I landed in.
until later all,
Sol
One last thing deserves honorable mention here, I’m feeling better not just on my own but thanks to the help love and support of many friends. Thanks to you all you I feel sure know who you are and I love you each. And anybody trying to pick up new music try VNV Nation on for size, particularly their songs Dark Angel and Kingdom. It’s music that’s proved uplifting and helpful in me seeing my way clear of this thicket I landed in.
until later all,
Sol
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