a reflection, I used to tie myself to people with sex, used to let myself believe it HELD meaning rather than COMMUNICATED (root word commune) meaning.
i'm over it. I still have what I understand to be an over average libido. I'm a great fan of sex, more so of seduction, romance, and love making but anything out of hand isn't worth it's weight
i've let this run me much more than i'd realized or admitted, it's the choices we make and savor is often 'slaver' in our unexamined actions
the bonds of familiarity friendship intimacy are all of a nature, one might say in the same genus if we were emotional plants. so I weighted one or two branches until they nearly broke
didn't stare it in the face until the change was already made, so I'm glad that some part of me made the choice to change without "my explicit say so"
I still like sex, miss being able to share it with more people than I believe anyone realizes.
but the addiction is broken. nice to know it and fitting that it came as a repercussion of giving up "recreational chemicals" of all styles and flavors
hey it's to be expected isn't it? I've really been no fan of psychopharmacology.

FIN (or begin)

Sol

bits from an e-mail that just about covers it...

I've been hitting the books both for school and for fun, reading Palahniuk and Robbins as well as some Jorden (Chuck, Tom, and Robert respectively) and saving up some money to follow through on this hair brained idea I have. I want to find a dojo and train for a year. I may have to settle for less at first, say three months or six. But I just want to train, save money for food and rent and tuition to the dojo and just train. I'm also half planing to take a vision quest this summer, perhaps on the salt flats. Just wander in to the wild for a while and see if it won't restore of the vitality to my soul, I've been feeling a little weary lately and this rejuvenation is an uplifting plan. All in all it's been a good year I have to admit as I reflect on it, crazy and there's much of that I wouldn't recommend or repeat yet even so all in all it's been really good. I have to admit I miss New Orleans there was something vital and fresh about that place and it's sad to not have that lively atmosphere around me any longer. I'm also looking to find the name of this academy again because I wish to take up acting once more, film this time I really enjoyed what I did of it before and I would like to add some more experiences to my resume before all's said and done so I may move out to the L.A. area for a while to do that as well, tho that will come later not sooner but it's many times that this has recurred to me and keeps a-calling me more and more so it seems likely I'll be there one day. There's still progress to be made on my long standing book but it's gotten closer and I'm still enjoying how it progresses. Finding a publisher will be another big thing but why get ahead of myself eh? What I should really do is get a good agent honestly, but where to find one you know?

I'm also planing to read American Psycho right before my trip to Costa Rica so I can discuss it with the lady who recommended it too me when I visit her in Germany. And I'm currently working on a re-write of the novelization of the movie Pitch Black. Other than that I've been focused on meditations and Zen practice which I sometimes (oddly enough) do while listening to The Dark Tower by Stephen King. And believe you me that is one odd combination.
Yesterday was Sarah's birthday and that was weird, can still count on one hand the number of her birthdays I've not spent with her since we met. But I suppose an engagements will do that too anyone, there's bound to be weirdness when it's over and done with. I almost feel like I should be more broken up about it or something but I'm not really, it's unfortunate that the rough parts had to happen the way they did but this is as it should be right now you know?

enjoy the flowers,
Sol

Lilies - Lily Folklore / Lily Symbolism - Flowers
The lily's name has pre-classical origins; indeed it was the Greek name Leirion and the Roman name Lilium from which some believe the name "lily" was derived. The lily's symbolism dates back to Ancient Egypt. The Greeks believed Aphrodite added the lily's pistil to make it more phallic. It is the flower of the Archangel Gabriel and is important in heraldry because it resembles a scepter. Legend tells that the lily sprang from Eve's tears, when upon being expelled from Eden she learned she was pregnant. Other folklore tells of lilies, unplanted by any human hand spontaneously appearing on the graves of people executed for crimes they did not commit. Some believe that planting lilies in a garden will protect the garden from ghosts and evil spirits. In medieval times, lilies symbolized feminine sexuality.
In the Language of Flowers, the lily represents purity & majesty, and, in some contexts, death.

http://www.echoedvoices.org/Aug2002/Garden_Section.html
http://webhome.idirect.com/~gaga1/symbols.html
http://www.bartleby.com/65/li/lily.html
http://www.chinesepaintings.com/chinese-symbols.html