I have had trouble writing of late, it's that I said to myself this was going to be prose not poetry. An odd commitment it may seem but if you knew my life well, and well most of you do, they you'd understand (and or do). Lately I've been stuck in rymes, and not always very good ones. it's lke the rythem of my writing has gotten stuck on "iambic pentampiter rippoff" mode or something. Just too much of it, almsot contrived but hard to get away from. Like when you play those ryme word games and then for days afterwords always think in your head of rymes for what people are saying. Sometimes lately I feel like I should be listening to "take it easy" as my constant theme song. I guess it's better than "desprado" however. Not as a song but as a theme. Either one would drive my sister crazy, or my brother too. They can't take much of the Egels.
Have you ever thought about death? No I mean really sat down and just thought about it. How little we know? how much it effects us? how it's tied into everything for our lives, or at least some of our lives. how it's the new cardnle sin and rarely examined by those who think so, and rarely emotionally confronted by those who don't. Why am I generlizing two camps? why for my own means of course as always with descriptors, they are highlts and foils to my own forecast. I dont' know what I think of death but even I think of it often, and even is said because... well it just is. It's like this box that was sitting in my room for who knows how long and both my brother and I stared at it who knows how many times until he said "a box" and then it hit me that it WAS a box, not just background "noise". Death is like that, it's background noise, but we can still trip on the box, and I don't mean die.
My dad's got a point, about many things. But I don't tell him that, because he's too wrapped up in what he's done right to work on the rest of it, like being emotionall avalible to anyone. I suppose I should be thankful, it's killed any risk of what I might have fallen into in that, I know better than to close off, and I know that in romance effection is as required as water is to plants. So thanks pappa bear, for the goods and the bads, and for the lessons even if lots of them were "and this is what you should not do..." object style in the end. Thanks, but I bet you'll never read this.
Someone said that the best form of art, the trust, is the life well lived. Well living isn't drawing breath, and it's not going to be found in a medical text book let alone art being found in one. So how do I live well? how to I follow my dreams without being a leaden weight on someone? how do I do what I love without starving or compromising? answer, just do it. Now I consider myself ot be a brave person. but this has got me intimidated. How to just do it, but do it right. There's a question, and does it have the same answer? I don't know yet, it seems like somewhere I do, but if so that part of me isn't sharing just yet or I'm just not looking right.

Kisses are like Rain, they can drown you or ease your pain.

I still kiss both my sisters and half the time my parents, who says every kiss has to be sexual to be loving? Pity we've but that price tag on both love and senuality that they have to be about possesion and about eachother. I mean sure they are often about eachother and even fit very well togather, but why make it a must when we do it's something squashed and more forced and "forceful" if you know what I mean.
There are plenty of people who I just want to love or would just love to hold, I simply want to be supportive and I am a physical person. I won't bother with the sex descriptors they've already been done here in this blog so just back read. But it's sad to me that someone has to make their choice about who they hug or who they can sit against on a couch or who's lap it's ok to fall to sleep in or who's safe to nap with. Not based on trust or effection, admiration or esteem, but weather or not they want to considering getting into euphmistic bed with that person.
Doesn't make any kind of rational sense, or intitive either for that matter. But there you are that's our socity in a nut shell. Not rational nor intutiviely sound.
ah but let us skip that rant for tonight, I'm sure you will have the time for me to go down it many more times.
Late nights, I don't spend enough time with people yet I spend altogather too much time on them. I should change that, there are lots of things I should change. But if I found a way to just be myself in every day that would be the best. I need to find this, the way, and perhaps share it too. There are so many days I wake up with the whole world swirling within my sight and it just doesn't resolve quite before the cobwebs of day decent on the mucurial pool of nights dreams. I wish to live a little dream as the poet says. One of these days I won't see it slipping away and I will have the answers, my answers at least. Until then I will just search and grow. What else is there to do? and isn't life pretty good with this as the days of it? Well anyway I don't have any room to complain, not purely on my own behalf. Sometimes though, sometimes even in peace I wish to end things as they stand... it just seems safer somehow, saner than what we'd become otherwse. But here's the choice, on this roll of the dice. Choice to find a way to do both, to find out and to shift out without simply building a blow out.
hum... was that a decent way to build a sentence? oh well, win some, lose some.
So show of hands? who wants to use the tarmac of the George W. Bush memorial airport to dry meat and fruits for winter? or who thinks they can promise solid assurances of a future for my childern, our chilern, or the childern or my borthers and sisters, that's free of the oil barons and the abject corruption of the puritan taints. Consider this my personal democricy. All in Favor?

Sol