Sunday, March 19, 2006
Monday, March 06, 2006
A whole new world, this same place I've always been.
Have you ever had your mind blown? I just did, it’s... well mind-blowing.
I literally do not know what I’m doing or where I heading, but I can’t say I have no idea. It’s an interesting combination. So many of you who read this have been asking me “what was it like” in reference to my trips around the world... well at least to three or so new countries. And this is it, I have been shaken down like a brand new jet fighter on a test run. All parts checked and tested, stress limits pushed and thresholds crossed as well as established. I was aware starting out that I would not be able to imagine what was to come, but I’ll say it anyway, I didn’t have any idea this was what would happen. I’m not the same person any more, but I wouldn’t say I’m not me. Things have changed. I’m more literal and more truthful, more forceful and more reserved. More grounded and less bleak but more saddened and more wistful as well. I miss so much and so many people who’ve been important parts of my life. But I wouldn’t turn the clock back for anything and I do not regret this path I’ve taken. Just last night I was walking out the door of my room with a friend who commented on the wallpaper I’ve got up on my computer, saying how the girl I was with is hot. I didn’t argue, I think she is too, not that that’s why I love her but who says love has to be blind? This started a rustling through old photos for me where in I saw faces and places who’s likeness I have not beheld in an age. This age in fact, this new one of my life. It’s changed me to see what I’ve seen and the color pallets of the sights I now see have shifted subtly. I have been saying for years that I don’t miss people, or places for that matter, that I’m too used to it to miss anyone anymore. This is not true, what’s really true is that I’m so used to missing people and places and things in most present moments of my life that it’s hard to notice sometimes until I focus on someone specficly. Most of the people I know the missing someone it’s self is enough to draw their focus too it, but not for me, thus my miss perception. I cannot help but feel smaller now than I ever was before. Our nation is so much smaller than I had any concept of, and yet it’s huge compared to how I used to view it. Does any of that make sense? The tops been blown off this world of mine and everything’s expanding on both fields as it’s want to do when you don’t limit the exponents of change. I long for Europe more truly that I’d expected too. I love it’s culture and it’s history and it’s buildings and it’s sensibility. And still I am relieved to be home, yes that’s right, tho it costs me something to admit I am relived to be home. Back where things make sense, even the things I can’t stand, a return to what I am accustomed (consider the word custom) too. This world is more complex that I had any idea, and here now with so much more idea than I’ve ever had before in this life I still must say that my most sure realization is that I simply do not understand the implications magnitude and complexities of what we so blithely call “life” in the modern age. It’s well there’s just more too it than I can grasp right now. And what’s more with my new found humbleness of perspective I still must say that while there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of people who understand this all much better than myself I still wouldn’t hesitate to believe that I’m in the top twenty percent or better as far as that goes. Which is both heartening and frightening.
I have friends whom I wish to approach about this, about well life, all of it, that I just want to sit down and share with. But I must confess I do not know how to begin. I don’t even have a phrase in my head to start describing what this feels like, not for a conversation. I suppose that I’m not doing so bad with writing this, but even with all it’s truth I’m sure you can see how mixed up and unfocused it is in some places. I want... so much more, and this is not just greater, though some of it is alterations I have sought, this is as simple as more. There’s more to life and I don’t dismiss this now as useless or sub-par and at the same time if what I was to see were the same as this I would feel cheated, this is what I’ve always been this is what I know there’s more to be had and it’s something else. That’s always the drive and I’ve always had it but stopping anywhere is what I wouldn’t be satisfied with, this stolid settling as of sediments distilling from a stream. I’d rather be the water even tho it doesn’t neccarily know where it’s headed. But who knows it might, and who knows even I might. I’ve know more than I thought I did before, and more that once at that. It is not that I do not desire that sense of safety brought on by plotting history to come before it has form of it’s own. Not that I don’t desire to hear “I’ll always be here” or to safely sit in my own house with my own furniture and feel that this is here forever for me, solid. But there’s not so much truth in that, even in the most stable and solid lives that will vanish on a hairbreadth of chance or in a heartbeats time and I have no illusions about that. I’m also used to this idea. So while I still desire that ultiment safety, it does not rule the house of my happiness nor my enjoyment and so we move forward. Happy, joyful, and somewhat apprhencive about what would be the world to come. Somewhere there’s a me who knows and who is supreamly sure of our course, somewhere inside me there’s a place where everyone who’s had something unsaid and unfulfilled, suppressed or unexpressed with me or near me, where there’s a face for them and where there’s a memory, some of these will be free, some resolved and some are perhaps too far past. But there are already shadows enough of the wistful kind in our sense don’t you agree? Why not strive for a life that beyond being full, free of regrets, and holding some meaning, is also whole. One which you simply are who you are and even when you don’t know how to be you use this as a chance to learn, not avoid it for fear of the repercussions.
There’s just so much to be done, don’t stop walking
Sol
I literally do not know what I’m doing or where I heading, but I can’t say I have no idea. It’s an interesting combination. So many of you who read this have been asking me “what was it like” in reference to my trips around the world... well at least to three or so new countries. And this is it, I have been shaken down like a brand new jet fighter on a test run. All parts checked and tested, stress limits pushed and thresholds crossed as well as established. I was aware starting out that I would not be able to imagine what was to come, but I’ll say it anyway, I didn’t have any idea this was what would happen. I’m not the same person any more, but I wouldn’t say I’m not me. Things have changed. I’m more literal and more truthful, more forceful and more reserved. More grounded and less bleak but more saddened and more wistful as well. I miss so much and so many people who’ve been important parts of my life. But I wouldn’t turn the clock back for anything and I do not regret this path I’ve taken. Just last night I was walking out the door of my room with a friend who commented on the wallpaper I’ve got up on my computer, saying how the girl I was with is hot. I didn’t argue, I think she is too, not that that’s why I love her but who says love has to be blind? This started a rustling through old photos for me where in I saw faces and places who’s likeness I have not beheld in an age. This age in fact, this new one of my life. It’s changed me to see what I’ve seen and the color pallets of the sights I now see have shifted subtly. I have been saying for years that I don’t miss people, or places for that matter, that I’m too used to it to miss anyone anymore. This is not true, what’s really true is that I’m so used to missing people and places and things in most present moments of my life that it’s hard to notice sometimes until I focus on someone specficly. Most of the people I know the missing someone it’s self is enough to draw their focus too it, but not for me, thus my miss perception. I cannot help but feel smaller now than I ever was before. Our nation is so much smaller than I had any concept of, and yet it’s huge compared to how I used to view it. Does any of that make sense? The tops been blown off this world of mine and everything’s expanding on both fields as it’s want to do when you don’t limit the exponents of change. I long for Europe more truly that I’d expected too. I love it’s culture and it’s history and it’s buildings and it’s sensibility. And still I am relieved to be home, yes that’s right, tho it costs me something to admit I am relived to be home. Back where things make sense, even the things I can’t stand, a return to what I am accustomed (consider the word custom) too. This world is more complex that I had any idea, and here now with so much more idea than I’ve ever had before in this life I still must say that my most sure realization is that I simply do not understand the implications magnitude and complexities of what we so blithely call “life” in the modern age. It’s well there’s just more too it than I can grasp right now. And what’s more with my new found humbleness of perspective I still must say that while there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of people who understand this all much better than myself I still wouldn’t hesitate to believe that I’m in the top twenty percent or better as far as that goes. Which is both heartening and frightening.
I have friends whom I wish to approach about this, about well life, all of it, that I just want to sit down and share with. But I must confess I do not know how to begin. I don’t even have a phrase in my head to start describing what this feels like, not for a conversation. I suppose that I’m not doing so bad with writing this, but even with all it’s truth I’m sure you can see how mixed up and unfocused it is in some places. I want... so much more, and this is not just greater, though some of it is alterations I have sought, this is as simple as more. There’s more to life and I don’t dismiss this now as useless or sub-par and at the same time if what I was to see were the same as this I would feel cheated, this is what I’ve always been this is what I know there’s more to be had and it’s something else. That’s always the drive and I’ve always had it but stopping anywhere is what I wouldn’t be satisfied with, this stolid settling as of sediments distilling from a stream. I’d rather be the water even tho it doesn’t neccarily know where it’s headed. But who knows it might, and who knows even I might. I’ve know more than I thought I did before, and more that once at that. It is not that I do not desire that sense of safety brought on by plotting history to come before it has form of it’s own. Not that I don’t desire to hear “I’ll always be here” or to safely sit in my own house with my own furniture and feel that this is here forever for me, solid. But there’s not so much truth in that, even in the most stable and solid lives that will vanish on a hairbreadth of chance or in a heartbeats time and I have no illusions about that. I’m also used to this idea. So while I still desire that ultiment safety, it does not rule the house of my happiness nor my enjoyment and so we move forward. Happy, joyful, and somewhat apprhencive about what would be the world to come. Somewhere there’s a me who knows and who is supreamly sure of our course, somewhere inside me there’s a place where everyone who’s had something unsaid and unfulfilled, suppressed or unexpressed with me or near me, where there’s a face for them and where there’s a memory, some of these will be free, some resolved and some are perhaps too far past. But there are already shadows enough of the wistful kind in our sense don’t you agree? Why not strive for a life that beyond being full, free of regrets, and holding some meaning, is also whole. One which you simply are who you are and even when you don’t know how to be you use this as a chance to learn, not avoid it for fear of the repercussions.
There’s just so much to be done, don’t stop walking
Sol
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