You know I wasn't going to post this at all, then I read Franks post and while it's Thursday now this mood of mine is bleed over from the "W" of doom, no not the guy in the white-house (tho he surely is a contender) the day of the week. I really have no heart to get into the details, suffice to say that I've been disrespected, dismissed, and basically betrayed by someone I couldn't quite bring myself to believe would do that. And the harshest part of it all, not even the actions (or lack there of) but the sad fact that she (yea who didn't see that coming) doesn't even get it, can't seem to grasp why I'm upset at all. I guess it's just me who finds it hurtful when someone I love treats my word as meaningless, my principles as a facade, and our agreements with each other as trivial.
I know I know I'm being cynical and self pitying. But hell if I do it here then those who care can read it and any who don't can easily ignore it without harm done. At least I feel a little less alone this way. You know I count myself a fair judge of character, but I never saw this coming.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Answers to a couple long time questions, and a thought to boot.
Why do I not miss people or have struggles when someones gone? Why because so much of me is permeated with the sensation of being alone all the time, so having an external to match the internal doesn't make it that much harder to bear. Harder to be sure, but not so much that it can't be dealt with.
What makes/made Zoe so special? In this context for the first time I can explain that question I've been so often asked. And the answer is this, she saw me. Without reason to be able, or even desire to do so often as not, she just saw me. And I was instantly addicted to that. When did things really start to come apart? When her vision of me started to become a 'picture' of me (i.e. who she wanted me to become) and lost it's nature of being 'sight' of me (i.e. just grasping who I was, even with all my flaws). I used to think I'd never have that again. Now I know that I will have it, but it will be a few years for that to come to pass. My younger brother Ender, he could see me with his eyes closed, because far more often than not all he has to do is look in the mirror. The only reason he doesn't "see" me yet, is because there are some things that I'm not willing to place into the world of someone who's still so young. It's a revelation because I once thought only romance (the story book kind that binds love sex and social commitment all together) could catalyze this kind of 'sight'. Now I know differently. But I truly believe that this feeling, of being KNOWN of being SEEN is what everyone is craving in "the one". And they're right in the sense that romance, sex, love, and commitment all foster the possibility of this 'sight'. But they're wrong in thinking that it is "one" or has to be singular or even in any way romantic. And it can be heartbreaking to watch my loved ones go through pain I know all to well when I have the lesson right here to express, and can't seem to find the words that call to be heeded.
What makes/made Zoe so special? In this context for the first time I can explain that question I've been so often asked. And the answer is this, she saw me. Without reason to be able, or even desire to do so often as not, she just saw me. And I was instantly addicted to that. When did things really start to come apart? When her vision of me started to become a 'picture' of me (i.e. who she wanted me to become) and lost it's nature of being 'sight' of me (i.e. just grasping who I was, even with all my flaws). I used to think I'd never have that again. Now I know that I will have it, but it will be a few years for that to come to pass. My younger brother Ender, he could see me with his eyes closed, because far more often than not all he has to do is look in the mirror. The only reason he doesn't "see" me yet, is because there are some things that I'm not willing to place into the world of someone who's still so young. It's a revelation because I once thought only romance (the story book kind that binds love sex and social commitment all together) could catalyze this kind of 'sight'. Now I know differently. But I truly believe that this feeling, of being KNOWN of being SEEN is what everyone is craving in "the one". And they're right in the sense that romance, sex, love, and commitment all foster the possibility of this 'sight'. But they're wrong in thinking that it is "one" or has to be singular or even in any way romantic. And it can be heartbreaking to watch my loved ones go through pain I know all to well when I have the lesson right here to express, and can't seem to find the words that call to be heeded.
A question to consider?
does affection = influence for you? Because it doesn't for me, it makes a lot of sense that it would, and that could indeed explain why so many people believe I don't really care for them. Because for me influence has sparingly little to do with affection. Influence for me is tied to specific areas and is created almost solely based on tried and proven (cred)ability. I guess it could be said simply thus. If "X" is a given action to be taken, then those with influence would effect how I went about it and would be the ones I'd want to do it with. While those with affection would effect weather or not I did it at all, and would be the ones I'd do it for. To be sure the two can coincide. But for me, more often than not, they don't.
My Horoscope for the day, as well a good reminder...
You could decide to let go of something today. Maybe a project you are working on has been frustrating you. Don't be stubborn and suffer in silence! Get help from a partner or a friend. Or pass the work off to someone professional who could help you with it efficiently. You need to be more conscious about how you utilize energy. Sometimes you stick with something just out of pride. There is nothing weak in your character if you give up on something that doesn't work!
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
A rant we can all love (even if it is to hate)
Hey it's me again Hank the Cowdog... no wait, those are just very humorous audio tapes...
so I'm back and I'm talking about one of those great things that is more underated than almost anything else in the world. Honesty
yes that's right folks the often used and rarely adheared to virtue of being a straight shooter. It gets more lip service than the clientell of some Vagus service industries.
I'll open with the words (some of them anyway) from the Depeche Mode song POLICY OF TRUTH.
It’s just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth
. . .
You’ll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth
They collectivly describe the over all attitude that greats the idea of truth. Yes surely these are not the ideas that are said to be supported, but actions speak louder than words.
I will be blunt, I find lies to be purely a sign of weakness just like the fear they are based on. No one who is without fear will lie, and the more fearless the person they fewer their deceptions. I would challange anyone reading this to provide me with a solid example of where a lie shows courage. I will debate the point hotly but if you can show me otherwise (and yes I will really be considering what's said) then I'll change my tune.
Here's my oppinion, if you have weakness of self, if you have doubt in your own person, if you fear that your intent is infeiror to those around you and cannot stand on it's own merits then you will lie. I have seen many lies, all of them are a result of worry or fear of some kind weather valid or invalid. But there is always another option, if you don't for whatever reason feel it right and wise to state what you know you don't have to lie you just have to tell the plain truth, and simply say "I'm not going to answer that". Well there's more, oh so much more that this rant could hold but I'll do it later, the ladies here I believe need attention so I'm going to cut it short.
Please all if you comment on none of the others comment on this one, it's more key than almost anything for yours truely and I want to test it as fully as I'm able. Which of course means help.
Sol
so I'm back and I'm talking about one of those great things that is more underated than almost anything else in the world. Honesty
yes that's right folks the often used and rarely adheared to virtue of being a straight shooter. It gets more lip service than the clientell of some Vagus service industries.
I'll open with the words (some of them anyway) from the Depeche Mode song POLICY OF TRUTH.
It’s just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth
. . .
You’ll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth
They collectivly describe the over all attitude that greats the idea of truth. Yes surely these are not the ideas that are said to be supported, but actions speak louder than words.
I will be blunt, I find lies to be purely a sign of weakness just like the fear they are based on. No one who is without fear will lie, and the more fearless the person they fewer their deceptions. I would challange anyone reading this to provide me with a solid example of where a lie shows courage. I will debate the point hotly but if you can show me otherwise (and yes I will really be considering what's said) then I'll change my tune.
Here's my oppinion, if you have weakness of self, if you have doubt in your own person, if you fear that your intent is infeiror to those around you and cannot stand on it's own merits then you will lie. I have seen many lies, all of them are a result of worry or fear of some kind weather valid or invalid. But there is always another option, if you don't for whatever reason feel it right and wise to state what you know you don't have to lie you just have to tell the plain truth, and simply say "I'm not going to answer that". Well there's more, oh so much more that this rant could hold but I'll do it later, the ladies here I believe need attention so I'm going to cut it short.
Please all if you comment on none of the others comment on this one, it's more key than almost anything for yours truely and I want to test it as fully as I'm able. Which of course means help.
Sol
A patchwork of thoughts
"Take me as I am
I'm not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I'm still learning
How to love again and stop hurting"
it's been playing through my head nonstop for almost 17 hours now, yes I woke up hearing it a few times during the night. And it makes sense really, because that's what my will boils down too at this moment. The sentiment expressed within those words. It's what spurred the creation of this blog (in addition to the insistence of many good friends of mine *grins*) and what keeps me questing for answers. The song is not surprisingly titled Take me as I am. And it's by Tonic. This post is going to jump hither and yon as the subject implies, but I Thought I'd state it directly as well.
I've found my second tattoo, the one which balances the first that I am getting on my left arm... a tribal black rose partly budding for those who I haven't mentioned it too. It's reciprocal is the one I've just discovered and that is a karasu (or crow) who's image is being lifted from an ancient standard of imperial Japan and is, among other things, an honorific to the deities of the sun.
Now an excerpt from a conversation, the question being basically what I thought of love as an idea, force, emotion, what have you.
love I do believe in, and I believe it has value, I believe it to be boundless rather than finite, and like flowers to have many breeds and seasons. It is a growing thing, one which in all is cycling states requires care and which will flourish or die depending on the harmony of it's climate, care, and breed. Even among roses there are many ways to care for a flower, our tragedy in this life seems to be that we've allowed or selves to believe that there is only one.
This next bit is in reaction to a question I’ve had a friend pose to me about my “bullheadedness” and why I won’t back down even in some seemingly trivial situations.
It is my own and only true personal space. I grew up with a large family both extended and immediate and I grew up moving all the time. I had so little that was mine in any way that when we sold our first car I cried and was hollow feeling for days because it was more home to me than any place I had. So rather than continue to be distraught I adapted, I evolved. And I took my personal space within myself. I do not ever evoke or provoke invasions of it by my deigned or intended act. So when someone violates it wantonly I won't let it slide, won't give them one fucking inch because it would put me back there. Despondent, dissolute, disenfranchised. It would, weather in part or whole, take my life away from me. Just like drinking or doing drugs until I have blackouts would. Just like deceptions that feed the holes in my memories would. I won't give up my life for anyone, I'd literally rather die first. So I won't give an inch. There's a quote that says "A hero is a man who's more afraid to run away" that's me. You see if they'd picked any "word" that wasn't already an "issue" and made the same request to test their idea I would have placated them and tried it even tho I knew they were wrong, that's fine with me. What I cannot and will not do is give in when someone's trying to "push" to "make me" ....well fill in the blank really, if someones trying to make me do anything they'd better be able to physically MAKE ME do every step of it for otherwise they will be disappointed. I've always done that, ever since the first time I was to think about the concept back when I was maybe 3 years old. Besides I don't need to laugh at the rules or brake them. Just like I don't need to honor the rules or follow them. What I need to do myself is ignore the rules and show a disregard for them. They are non-definitive of me, not for or against. For me ending the irrational and idiotic confrontation quickly isn't anywhere near as imperative as ending it PERMEANTLY, or at the very least giving enough negative re-enforcement that it won't be directed toward me any longer. I do pick my battles, I just have differing objectives. And my definition of victory especially in an unreasonable confrontation is simply denying they opposition what they want from or of me.
And the next bit here is stolen from a response I was given to one of my little soap boxes on here. I quite like it because it feels good/true, at least it makes me smile. All of which means that I’ve adopted it in some part as well as having had the makings of it in me... right well my babbling is done for the day, I’m off to figure out how to make my living from one of my favorite holidays.
I'm not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I'm still learning
How to love again and stop hurting"
it's been playing through my head nonstop for almost 17 hours now, yes I woke up hearing it a few times during the night. And it makes sense really, because that's what my will boils down too at this moment. The sentiment expressed within those words. It's what spurred the creation of this blog (in addition to the insistence of many good friends of mine *grins*) and what keeps me questing for answers. The song is not surprisingly titled Take me as I am. And it's by Tonic. This post is going to jump hither and yon as the subject implies, but I Thought I'd state it directly as well.
I've found my second tattoo, the one which balances the first that I am getting on my left arm... a tribal black rose partly budding for those who I haven't mentioned it too. It's reciprocal is the one I've just discovered and that is a karasu (or crow) who's image is being lifted from an ancient standard of imperial Japan and is, among other things, an honorific to the deities of the sun.
Now an excerpt from a conversation, the question being basically what I thought of love as an idea, force, emotion, what have you.
love I do believe in, and I believe it has value, I believe it to be boundless rather than finite, and like flowers to have many breeds and seasons. It is a growing thing, one which in all is cycling states requires care and which will flourish or die depending on the harmony of it's climate, care, and breed. Even among roses there are many ways to care for a flower, our tragedy in this life seems to be that we've allowed or selves to believe that there is only one.
This next bit is in reaction to a question I’ve had a friend pose to me about my “bullheadedness” and why I won’t back down even in some seemingly trivial situations.
It is my own and only true personal space. I grew up with a large family both extended and immediate and I grew up moving all the time. I had so little that was mine in any way that when we sold our first car I cried and was hollow feeling for days because it was more home to me than any place I had. So rather than continue to be distraught I adapted, I evolved. And I took my personal space within myself. I do not ever evoke or provoke invasions of it by my deigned or intended act. So when someone violates it wantonly I won't let it slide, won't give them one fucking inch because it would put me back there. Despondent, dissolute, disenfranchised. It would, weather in part or whole, take my life away from me. Just like drinking or doing drugs until I have blackouts would. Just like deceptions that feed the holes in my memories would. I won't give up my life for anyone, I'd literally rather die first. So I won't give an inch. There's a quote that says "A hero is a man who's more afraid to run away" that's me. You see if they'd picked any "word" that wasn't already an "issue" and made the same request to test their idea I would have placated them and tried it even tho I knew they were wrong, that's fine with me. What I cannot and will not do is give in when someone's trying to "push" to "make me" ....well fill in the blank really, if someones trying to make me do anything they'd better be able to physically MAKE ME do every step of it for otherwise they will be disappointed. I've always done that, ever since the first time I was to think about the concept back when I was maybe 3 years old. Besides I don't need to laugh at the rules or brake them. Just like I don't need to honor the rules or follow them. What I need to do myself is ignore the rules and show a disregard for them. They are non-definitive of me, not for or against. For me ending the irrational and idiotic confrontation quickly isn't anywhere near as imperative as ending it PERMEANTLY, or at the very least giving enough negative re-enforcement that it won't be directed toward me any longer. I do pick my battles, I just have differing objectives. And my definition of victory especially in an unreasonable confrontation is simply denying they opposition what they want from or of me.
And the next bit here is stolen from a response I was given to one of my little soap boxes on here. I quite like it because it feels good/true, at least it makes me smile. All of which means that I’ve adopted it in some part as well as having had the makings of it in me... right well my babbling is done for the day, I’m off to figure out how to make my living from one of my favorite holidays.
Quick note
Hey all, just cuz I haven't said as much yet. On the quizes etc. that I've posted, if any of you decide to take them I'd love to get feed back about both your preception of the accuracy of the test as well as your results. Feel free to post comments about it or just toss me an e-mail. Anyway that's it, just mentioning that I'm intrested if anyone's up to sharing.
Sol
P.S. thanks to those who've already done this
Sol
P.S. thanks to those who've already done this
Thursday, March 24, 2005
hey look, a me nutshell!
ok folks this is my playing with personality profiles... enjoy ;)
...um ok so the formating on this is all funky, but after wresteling with the code just getting it all to show up is a bit of a feat, so I'm calling it good as is. Maybe I'll fix it when I know more. In the mean time bear with me, it is what it is and I don't have limitless ablities.
Extroverted (E) 56.76% Introverted (I) 43.24%
Intuitive (N) 62.5% Sensing (S) 37.5%
Feeling (F) 56.41% Thinking (T) 43.59%
Perceiving (P) 61.76% Judging (J) 38.24%
Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
Enneagram Test Results
The Enneagram is a personality system which divides the entire human personality into nine behavioral tendencies, this is your score on each...
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
trait snapshot:
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others
...um ok so the formating on this is all funky, but after wresteling with the code just getting it all to show up is a bit of a feat, so I'm calling it good as is. Maybe I'll fix it when I know more. In the mean time bear with me, it is what it is and I don't have limitless ablities.
Extroverted (E) 56.76% Introverted (I) 43.24%
Intuitive (N) 62.5% Sensing (S) 37.5%
Feeling (F) 56.41% Thinking (T) 43.59%
Perceiving (P) 61.76% Judging (J) 38.24%
| ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population. |
personality tests by similarminds.com
| type | score | type behavior motivation |
| 2 | 21 | I must be helpful and caring to be happy. |
| 6 | 21 | I must be secure and safe to be happy. |
| 7 | 21 | I must be high and entertained to be happy. |
| 9 | 21 | I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy. |
| 3 | 20 | I must be impressive and attractive to be happy. |
Enneagram Test Results
The Enneagram is a personality system which divides the entire human personality into nine behavioral tendencies, this is your score on each...
| Enneagram Test Results
Your variant is sexual |
personality tests by similarminds.com
| Advanced Global Personality Test Results
|
personality tests by similarminds.com
Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
trait snapshot:
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Bright Eyes
This is in response to being asked what I thought of when listening to the Bright Eyes song, Lover I don't have to love.
it reminds me of highschool, it reminds me of the darkest sights of my mind, it fills my sense of the world like water by moonlight fills your senses.
It's the opiate of depression. "bad actors with bad habits" seems like most of the world be especially those people who know better are so within reach of better.
"do you like to hurt than hurt me" there are moments where that could be the motto I used to pick out my dates. It's the connections of the disconnected. The addictive taste of poison. The surrender into that state where only blood and sex feel real. "I need some meaning I can memorize, the kind I have always seems to slip my mind" it's the act of giving in to seeking value only from others, in TAKING value from others like something to be sucked dry and used up. More than that it's the taste of what makes that alluring.
It's the thing I can least allow myself so for some fragment of me it's the thing that's most deeply wanted. "I want a love I don't have to love, I want a girl that's too sad to give a fuck" the freedom of being with someone who's so far gone that even I don't feel compelled to try and save her... it would be liberating, it would allow my darker side to just express it's self without restraint. And that of course is deeply alluring and cloyingly repugnant all at once. My own personal taboo. And there's the next layer of it all which is how much this song seems so true of the fundamental patterns most people live on. It's a sensation like sitting in a room full of people who are drinking after you've given it up. There's a craving deep in the gut no matter what you say to anybody. Both depression and sado-masochism are addictive, physically as well as psychologically addictive. If I don't fight those back at least a handful of times in a month it's been a good month.
The impetus to slip into it (which is not the experience of it) is something you live with once you've been there. As Yoda says "once you start down the dark path forever will it dominate your destiny".
"you write such pretty words, but lifes no storybook. Loves an excuse to get hurt, do you like to hurt? do you? do you? then hurt me..." even in the depths there's still some sort of urge to link, even if there's not enough follow through to truly do it. Just like there's an urge to breath even when the euphoria of drowning has set in, even if it's only water. You see I know something that's never said. Selfishness is despair. And even I have desires which call me to wallow in it. "...I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full..." well I think now perhaps you have an idea of what that song does. It's not every last thing, but whatever is. Ask questions if you wish, there are usually more answers to be had.
it reminds me of highschool, it reminds me of the darkest sights of my mind, it fills my sense of the world like water by moonlight fills your senses.
It's the opiate of depression. "bad actors with bad habits" seems like most of the world be especially those people who know better are so within reach of better.
"do you like to hurt than hurt me" there are moments where that could be the motto I used to pick out my dates. It's the connections of the disconnected. The addictive taste of poison. The surrender into that state where only blood and sex feel real. "I need some meaning I can memorize, the kind I have always seems to slip my mind" it's the act of giving in to seeking value only from others, in TAKING value from others like something to be sucked dry and used up. More than that it's the taste of what makes that alluring.
It's the thing I can least allow myself so for some fragment of me it's the thing that's most deeply wanted. "I want a love I don't have to love, I want a girl that's too sad to give a fuck" the freedom of being with someone who's so far gone that even I don't feel compelled to try and save her... it would be liberating, it would allow my darker side to just express it's self without restraint. And that of course is deeply alluring and cloyingly repugnant all at once. My own personal taboo. And there's the next layer of it all which is how much this song seems so true of the fundamental patterns most people live on. It's a sensation like sitting in a room full of people who are drinking after you've given it up. There's a craving deep in the gut no matter what you say to anybody. Both depression and sado-masochism are addictive, physically as well as psychologically addictive. If I don't fight those back at least a handful of times in a month it's been a good month.
The impetus to slip into it (which is not the experience of it) is something you live with once you've been there. As Yoda says "once you start down the dark path forever will it dominate your destiny".
"you write such pretty words, but lifes no storybook. Loves an excuse to get hurt, do you like to hurt? do you? do you? then hurt me..." even in the depths there's still some sort of urge to link, even if there's not enough follow through to truly do it. Just like there's an urge to breath even when the euphoria of drowning has set in, even if it's only water. You see I know something that's never said. Selfishness is despair. And even I have desires which call me to wallow in it. "...I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full..." well I think now perhaps you have an idea of what that song does. It's not every last thing, but whatever is. Ask questions if you wish, there are usually more answers to be had.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
What do you want to be when you grow up?
I was asked recently who or what I wanted to be or become. This that follows is my answer, or at least my response, as answer imply a full response and this one just covers all the bases, there are depths as yet untouched
who or what do I want to ultimately become?
I want to become me, only fully self-aware, the whole me without apology or fetter.
I want to become enlightened as well as educated (because they're not the same thing and at the higher levels often seem to have grave incompatibilities even though they are both of value). I want to be memorable, and I like that to be for all the right reasons rather than unhappy ones. I want to be great, true greatness that comes from understanding and wisdom, but on the grand scale most people thing of when they say greatness. I want the unwavering ability to empower my friends and loved ones, for that is it's own reward. I want to be loved passionately honestly and unflinchingly for who I am, and I want to live & act worthy of it. I only want to be stumped by one riddle in my life and let that be the final one which sends me on to other things. I want to be aware of truths without the answers blinding me to the mystery of the question. A riddle is a riddle even when solved, and there's importance in remembering that.
I want, simply put, to change the world fundamentally and for the better. And I would really like to live to see it, even if it's only the first few chapters unfolding.
Take Dr. Hannibal Lecter's insight, Alexanders devotion and drive, Riddicks self mastery/awareness, and Supermans purity and nobility of intent. And you will have some idea of the apex I long for.
Yes I aspire for greatness, and grandness too, I would ask you, why aspire for anything less?
who or what do I want to ultimately become?
I want to become me, only fully self-aware, the whole me without apology or fetter.
I want to become enlightened as well as educated (because they're not the same thing and at the higher levels often seem to have grave incompatibilities even though they are both of value). I want to be memorable, and I like that to be for all the right reasons rather than unhappy ones. I want to be great, true greatness that comes from understanding and wisdom, but on the grand scale most people thing of when they say greatness. I want the unwavering ability to empower my friends and loved ones, for that is it's own reward. I want to be loved passionately honestly and unflinchingly for who I am, and I want to live & act worthy of it. I only want to be stumped by one riddle in my life and let that be the final one which sends me on to other things. I want to be aware of truths without the answers blinding me to the mystery of the question. A riddle is a riddle even when solved, and there's importance in remembering that.
I want, simply put, to change the world fundamentally and for the better. And I would really like to live to see it, even if it's only the first few chapters unfolding.
Take Dr. Hannibal Lecter's insight, Alexanders devotion and drive, Riddicks self mastery/awareness, and Supermans purity and nobility of intent. And you will have some idea of the apex I long for.
Yes I aspire for greatness, and grandness too, I would ask you, why aspire for anything less?
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Quiz Blerb
Hello again all, this below is an explnation of that quiz I posted. I believe in providing complete information so that everyone can come to their own conclusions. There for tho this is my blog and these aren't my words, they still get posted. Hope they're useful to someone.
The World's Most
The World's Most
Popular Political Quiz
How the World's Smallest Political Quiz redefined politics, took over the Internet, impressed the experts, and made politics fun for more than 4 million people
After taking the World's Smallest Political Quiz, the famous online test that instantly pinpoints your political ideology, no two people have exactly the same reaction.
Consider Courtney, a self-described "young Republican." She took the Quiz and was surprised by the result. "I [scored] libertarian centrist," she said. "I really think I lean to the right, but apparently some aspect of my social liberalism has centered me. Interesting."
For blogger Jessy, the Quiz confirmed what she already knew. The avowed liberal landed smack-dab in the liberal quadrant and said, "I could not agree more."
Then there's Krzysztof -- nicknamed "Critto" -- from Poland. For him, the Quiz was exciting. "I am a libertarian, after taking the Quiz!" he said enthusiastically. "I love the World's Smallest Political Quiz, for it is cute, small, and very useful."
Cute? Well, OK; let's not argue with a guy named Critto. Small? You bet. It takes less than two minutes to zip through. Useful? Absolutely, if the surge of people taking the Quiz is any proof.
Every day, more than 4,500 people flock to the Web site of the Advocates for Self-Government (www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html) to take the Quiz. That's 187 people an hour, 24 hours a day. In fact, since 1996, when the Advocates started tracking results, more than 4 million people have clicked, moused, and surfed their way to the Quiz.
Why the enormous popularity -- especially when so many other political quizzes clutter up the Internet?
Sharon Harris, president of the Advocates, has a theory. "The Quiz offers a more diverse way of looking at politics," she said. "It gives people a fast, accurate way of determining who agrees with them most."
That "more diverse" insight is the key. Before the Quiz came along, politics was a two-way street. You were either liberal or conservative, and that was that.
Enter David Nolan, an MIT political-science graduate. In 1969, Nolan realized that traditional political definitions didn't make sense. He observed that liberals usually supported personal liberty (they defended free speech), but opposed economic liberty (they liked high taxes and strict regulation of business). Conservatives were the opposite. They supported economic liberty (low taxes and minimal regulations), but opposed personal liberty (they applauded laws against pornography).
So far, so good. But what about people who supported both personal and economic liberty? They didn't fit. Nether did people who opposed both personal and economic liberty.
Nolan finally resolved the paradox. "I began to doodle around with the idea of trying to reduce the political universe to a graphical depiction," he told The Liberator magazine in 1996. "I thought, 'Maybe we can delineate this on some kind of map, using a two-axis graph.' "
That was the breakthrough. Instead of looking at politics as a two-way line, Nolan designed a political chart that went in four directions -- high or low on economic issues, and high or low on personal issues.
Conservatives and liberals fit in this new political spectrum. So did libertarians and statists, who Nolan added to the mix. Libertarians scored high/high on liberty issues; statists scored low/low. Later, centrists were added in the middle -- and the Nolan Chart, a new way of looking at politics, was born.
In 1985, Marshall Fritz, founder of the Advocates for Self-Government, added 10 questions to the chart. He squeezed it all onto a business card-size handout, dubbed it the World's Smallest Political Quiz, and took it to a local print shop.
The rest is history. Over the years, the nonpartisan Advocates distributed 7 million printed copies of the Quiz to help spread the word about libertarianism. In 1995, the Quiz made the jump to cyberspace where it immediately became the Internet's most popular political quiz, with 13,400 Web sites linked to it today.
But is it accurate? After all, the Advocates is a libertarian organization. Did they rig the Quiz so everyone would score libertarian?
No, says an expert. Cynthia Carter, professor of History and Political Science at Florida Community College at Jacksonville, said, "Although this quiz is provided by a Libertarian organization, it does not lead you to answer in any particular way."
That may be why instructors around the USA use the Quiz in their classrooms. If you peeked into classrooms at Harvard University's John F. Kennedy School of Government, Carnegie Mellon University, or Texas A&M University (to name just a few) over the past few years, you'd find find students answering the Quiz's questions.
Even cynical reporters -- always eager to expose a phony -- have been impressed by the Quiz's insight and honesty. For example, the Washington Post reported, "The Quiz has gained respect as a valid measure of a person's political leanings."
But don't let the scholarly recommendations fool you. The Quiz isn't a boring political science project -- it's fun. In fact, that is the one reaction that just about everybody who takes the Quiz does have in common.
Professional astrologer Adze Mixxe said it best. No matter what your political identity is, he told people, "You will get 100 percent enjoyment from the World's Smallest Political Quiz."
And isn't that a political score everyone can agree on?
A little Politics...
Poly meaning "many" and Ticks a bloodsucking parasite.
And the Following is me in a political nutshell... I never knew there was a term for the broad strokes of my P.O.V. learn something every day.. oh and F.Y.I. all of the below information is lifted directly from the website hosting the quiz which I took to get these results.
And the Following is me in a political nutshell... I never knew there was a term for the broad strokes of my P.O.V. learn something every day.. oh and F.Y.I. all of the below information is lifted directly from the website hosting the quiz which I took to get these results.
ACCORDING TO YOUR ANSWERS,
The political description that
fits you best is...
.
LIBERTARIAN
LIBERTARIANS support maximum liberty in both personal and
economic matters. They advocate a much smaller government; one
that is limited to protecting individuals from coercion and violence.
Libertarians tend to embrace individual responsibility, oppose
government bureaucracy and taxes, promote private charity, tolerate
diverse lifestyles, support the free market, and defend civil liberties.
The RED DOT on the Chart shows where you fit on the political map.
Your PERSONAL issues Score is 100%.
Your ECONOMIC issues Score is 70%.
(Please note: Scores falling on the Centrist border are counted as Centrist.)
......................................................................
Other Political Philosophies
Left (Liberal)
Liberals usually embrace freedom of choice in personal matters,
but tend to support significant government control of the economy.
They generally support a government-funded "safety net" to help
the disadvantaged, and advocate strict regulation of business.
Liberals tend to favor environmental regulations, defend civil liberties
and free expression, support government action to promote equality,
and tolerate diverse lifestyles.
Centrist
Centrists espouse a "middle ground" regarding government control
of the economy and personal behavior. Depending on the issue,
they sometimes favor government intervention and sometimes
support individual freedom of choice. Centrists pride themselves on
keeping an open mind, tend to oppose "political extremes," and
emphasize what they describe as "practical" solutions to problems.
Right (Conservative)
Conservatives tend to favor economic freedom, but frequently
support laws to restrict personal behavior that violates "traditional
values." They oppose excessive government control of business, while
endorsing government action to defend morality and the traditional
family structure. Conservatives usually support a strong military,
oppose bureaucracy and high taxes, favor a free-market economy,
and endorse strong law enforcement.
Statist (Big Government)
Statists want government to have a great deal of power over the
economy and individual behavior. They frequently doubt whether
economic liberty and individual freedom are practical options in
today's world. Statists tend to distrust the free market, support
high taxes and centralized planning of the economy, oppose
diverse lifestyles, and question the importance of civil liberties.
......................................................................
Monday, March 14, 2005
The Golden Rule
once again excirpted response to an ommited letter *grins* this is starting to be a theme I'd say.
unadulterated (interesting choice of words right there by the way) human contact really IS love, or a face of it. Maybe I'm crazy, and I do say that it's got to include more than the purely physical variety for a lasting love to occur however isn't love really at least in some ways the desire to experience that unadulterated human contact (which we all desire somewhere) with someone specific weather for an instant an eternity or anything in between?
My "problem" if it is such is that I want to experience as much of life as possible and so even if it's an instance that's offered, if it's a TRUE instance I still want it. And people (on the whole) seem to think that means I devalue everything else. They ask me 'why would you ever chouse an instance over an eternity'. And I ask them 'why must there be a choosing at all?'.
Why are we so ready to be defined by our deprivation(s)? and if we are to be then why should we allow them to be one iota more then they absolutely will be anyway.
People want to give out and give in and they fundamentally resent me for doing anything else. I do what they won't dare to and thus it's cast as my fault that they're unhappy. Frankly if they were happy within themselves and assured in their choices how could any byproduct of my actions hurt them? It's not like I've killed someone. Not like I've set out with intent to do any harm to anybody. Anger is almost always spurred on by fear, and fear is fundamentally an emotional response to facing an unknown we don't feel prepared for. So seeing that why don't I just write off that from some people scorn is my lot because I am in many ways an unknown due to my brakes with common society.. well for the very same reasons that I have brakes with common society in the first place. Because I don't and won't settle. I'd rather die reaching for the stars then live staring at my toes. And yes I know that this sounds melodramatic and maybe even meglomanical but you know what? I've been told by several groups of people in my life that this is why they were upset with me. Now granted they didn't walk right up and say so, I had to confront them with it. But when you have a group of people who've gotten together basically to "put you in your place" and you tell them that they're only doing it because they're envious and they look ashamed and admit it. And this happens more than once with different groups of people some your peers others older than you. It provides a compelling reason to take a hunch into a viewpoint.
Why do people feel the urge to pressure me into making a choice? And not even explaining to me why a choice is a good one per say but pushing for me to make some choice, nearly any choice. The attitude is that any choice is better than "no choice". Where I'm sitting here feeling like there's no need. It's like if someone walked up to you and said "pick which pet dies" and then treated you like a psychopath for asking the obvious question "why should any have to die at all?".
Ok so I've gone from theorizing to ranting, but that question is so frustrating to me. More so because the few answers that I've gotten to it (and they are few and far between) were "because that's just the way things are" often in so many words. I didn't expect "because I told you so" for a reason as a child and I'm damn sure not going to start now. People say that when they have neither the time nor the inclination to try and really explain themselves and they believe you'd think them wrong if they just told you their conclusion. Which usually means they're wrong at least from your point of view i.e. current circumstances. Ergo when someone says that to me I have the knee jerk impulse to conclude that they're wrong. Which having seen children with their parents I know to be true about as often as it's not... so I've worked myself back round to being frustrated.
As to weather or not having some mix of sex and violence is weird or not I really don't think that it is. You're right that it totally must occur in a situation of clear communication and full trust. However it's not that uncommon and has a number of naturalistic roots for it. Also both sex and violence are ways to get to know someone on a very raw intimate level. And in that they share this element they can serve to enhance each others effects very much. Not always to positive effects sadly but as human history bears out, what we, humanity as a whole that is, can learn to use we will find some way to miss use.
I suppose that the "point" of all this, if indeed there could be said to be a single one, is best expressed through my own personal motto viewed in light of some very old wisdom repeated in many ways in many cultures throughout time... they are as follows
motto; Whatever works for ya
wisdom; do unto others as you would have them do unto you
you see the point? the wiccans put it pretty well too... 'an yee harm none, do what yee will'
as long as a I'm not seeking do to harm to anyone, nor through design or intent allowing my actions to create harm I'd just like to be left to my own devices to share with whom ever and how ever I/we see fit.
...which begs the question, is that really so much to ask?
unadulterated (interesting choice of words right there by the way) human contact really IS love, or a face of it. Maybe I'm crazy, and I do say that it's got to include more than the purely physical variety for a lasting love to occur however isn't love really at least in some ways the desire to experience that unadulterated human contact (which we all desire somewhere) with someone specific weather for an instant an eternity or anything in between?
My "problem" if it is such is that I want to experience as much of life as possible and so even if it's an instance that's offered, if it's a TRUE instance I still want it. And people (on the whole) seem to think that means I devalue everything else. They ask me 'why would you ever chouse an instance over an eternity'. And I ask them 'why must there be a choosing at all?'.
Why are we so ready to be defined by our deprivation(s)? and if we are to be then why should we allow them to be one iota more then they absolutely will be anyway.
People want to give out and give in and they fundamentally resent me for doing anything else. I do what they won't dare to and thus it's cast as my fault that they're unhappy. Frankly if they were happy within themselves and assured in their choices how could any byproduct of my actions hurt them? It's not like I've killed someone. Not like I've set out with intent to do any harm to anybody. Anger is almost always spurred on by fear, and fear is fundamentally an emotional response to facing an unknown we don't feel prepared for. So seeing that why don't I just write off that from some people scorn is my lot because I am in many ways an unknown due to my brakes with common society.. well for the very same reasons that I have brakes with common society in the first place. Because I don't and won't settle. I'd rather die reaching for the stars then live staring at my toes. And yes I know that this sounds melodramatic and maybe even meglomanical but you know what? I've been told by several groups of people in my life that this is why they were upset with me. Now granted they didn't walk right up and say so, I had to confront them with it. But when you have a group of people who've gotten together basically to "put you in your place" and you tell them that they're only doing it because they're envious and they look ashamed and admit it. And this happens more than once with different groups of people some your peers others older than you. It provides a compelling reason to take a hunch into a viewpoint.
Why do people feel the urge to pressure me into making a choice? And not even explaining to me why a choice is a good one per say but pushing for me to make some choice, nearly any choice. The attitude is that any choice is better than "no choice". Where I'm sitting here feeling like there's no need. It's like if someone walked up to you and said "pick which pet dies" and then treated you like a psychopath for asking the obvious question "why should any have to die at all?".
Ok so I've gone from theorizing to ranting, but that question is so frustrating to me. More so because the few answers that I've gotten to it (and they are few and far between) were "because that's just the way things are" often in so many words. I didn't expect "because I told you so" for a reason as a child and I'm damn sure not going to start now. People say that when they have neither the time nor the inclination to try and really explain themselves and they believe you'd think them wrong if they just told you their conclusion. Which usually means they're wrong at least from your point of view i.e. current circumstances. Ergo when someone says that to me I have the knee jerk impulse to conclude that they're wrong. Which having seen children with their parents I know to be true about as often as it's not... so I've worked myself back round to being frustrated.
As to weather or not having some mix of sex and violence is weird or not I really don't think that it is. You're right that it totally must occur in a situation of clear communication and full trust. However it's not that uncommon and has a number of naturalistic roots for it. Also both sex and violence are ways to get to know someone on a very raw intimate level. And in that they share this element they can serve to enhance each others effects very much. Not always to positive effects sadly but as human history bears out, what we, humanity as a whole that is, can learn to use we will find some way to miss use.
I suppose that the "point" of all this, if indeed there could be said to be a single one, is best expressed through my own personal motto viewed in light of some very old wisdom repeated in many ways in many cultures throughout time... they are as follows
motto; Whatever works for ya
wisdom; do unto others as you would have them do unto you
you see the point? the wiccans put it pretty well too... 'an yee harm none, do what yee will'
as long as a I'm not seeking do to harm to anyone, nor through design or intent allowing my actions to create harm I'd just like to be left to my own devices to share with whom ever and how ever I/we see fit.
...which begs the question, is that really so much to ask?
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Song Snatchets
Ok I'm not going to make this a habbit but I've been having a few lines from this song playing through my head for several days now, I used to have that alot but not so much anymore, and it feels connected to this set of thoughts presented heretofore in my blog, so here you have it.
the bit stuck in my head... and then the whole of the song...
"I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent "
Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With Lennon and Cobain A guitar and a stereo
while he wishes he could escape this
but it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
In a song that has no soul
I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
Tina's losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
Every calorie is a war
And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she’d never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful
I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
One day, you’ll have to let it go
You’ll have to let it go
No...
One day, you’ll stand up on your own
You’ll stand up on your own
Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are all innocent (you’ll have to let it go)
We are, we are (you’ll have to let it go, no..)
We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are, we are (you’ll stand up on your own)
We are, we are all innocent (you’ll stand up on your own..)
We are, we are all innocent
the bit stuck in my head... and then the whole of the song...
"I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent "
Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With Lennon and Cobain A guitar and a stereo
while he wishes he could escape this
but it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
In a song that has no soul
I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
Tina's losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
Every calorie is a war
And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she’d never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful
I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
One day, you’ll have to let it go
You’ll have to let it go
No...
One day, you’ll stand up on your own
You’ll stand up on your own
Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...
We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are all innocent (you’ll have to let it go)
We are, we are (you’ll have to let it go, no..)
We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are, we are (you’ll stand up on your own)
We are, we are all innocent (you’ll stand up on your own..)
We are, we are all innocent
Above all things to thine own self be true.
another exceript of a letter, or rather my response to a letter, from a friend.
here's the problem my dear, forget sex, forget romance, hell even forget love... remove the classification of this being said in any of those contexts and I can state clearly and unequivocally that no one has ever been everything to me. Nor to I expect anyone ever will. It's not in my nature. And it's not for a lack of caring. Is it a flaw? Mayhap, gods know I feel it is many a time. Going back to the love element, there are many kinds and types of love... and I haven't ever felt right using one to trump another. Casting one type as superior to any other. You can't compare the love of a father for his daughter to the love of a brother for his sister. Or the love of best friends to the love of a couple. Sure there are some clear cases where for a given person in a given instance one of them holds more sway. But that's a thing of the moment and shouldn't be marked as a value assessment. Now if you can find one type of love that for you out shines them all, and then find that love somewhere and hold too it. I'd congratulate you. But I can't, can't because it's not in my make up do. But can't even more because it's not even in myself to want. Going back to romance, comparing the feelings is literally for me like comparing flowers. If they're the same breed then how can you compar them, they're the same. And if they're not (which is most often the case) then how can you try to weigh one against the others? They're all unique.
Maybe my problem is in my environment. I grew up around family who were either very exclusive or had very discriminating tastes (depending on which branch of the family you're looking at). And it was always held up to me as some sort of grail of import. Someone was treated as smarter, more discerning, more insightful for having "discriminating tastes". I've always felt that the greater insight into life lays in the ability to find beauty in whatever you behold. And having found beauty to find the linkes both to yourself and to other aspects of beauty within creation. Not to weaigh and masure beauty like a comadity and then decide which one pound for pound is most worth picking up. Now going back to sex... well honestly sex has always been an after thought for me. Do I have a sex drive? oh yes be assured that I do. Can it influance my actions, quite certinly it has and like will continue to do so. But do I consider it of top shelf import? nope can't say with any truth that I have ever given it priority in my life. You see sex is what you make of it. The only intrinsic quality it has is a potentul of significance. But it's a blank slate. A symbole. It's a banner we plant where we want to plant it and then rally our selves, our actions, around. My first time was about the best I could have hoped for. I have never regreted a single thing about that night or experance, and I won't because for me that was perfict. There are so few moments of perfection in this life, I treasure what I've been given. And even with that as the defintive sexual moment for me, sex is still more of an afterthought. The biggist satisfaction I get out of sex is that if a woman is willing to share herself with me like that it's a strong indcator that she trusts me on some pretty profound levels. Cares about me too in some important ways. Without those it's unsatisfing and no orgasim in the world changes it.
But for me, to me, that's all it is. It's a physically pleasant way to express trust and affection. Perhaps even love on occasion. But it's an expression, just like a hug, or a kiss or a surprise gift. They all have their own place to be sure, and they're not identical no doubt. Nevertheless they remain in fundamentally the same family for nearly everyone no matter what they may think themselves. If they didn't gifts, hugs, kisses, and such wouldn't be cause for jealousy, distrust, unease... you get the idea. Just as French, Italian, Spanish, and English are all romance languages because of their root source Latin. So too are these and other things beyond hugs, gifts, and sex, all romance languages of another sort for they all take their roots in the same soil.
I have a fundamental belief about human belonging. I believe that intrinsically humans seek for people they belong with. Horribly we've warped it these days to be a search for someone (or ones) to belong to.
We as a nation fight wars to sustain our concept of freedom, while at the same time trying to be owned in a much more intimate way by some other person. Freedom is not an action, it's a choice. It's not about what you DO, it's about what you have the OPTION to do. This sense of possession isn't required to hold a long deep, passionate relationship. Commitment and honest, trust and love. Those are required. Not possession, not constraint, not loss.
I guess what it all comes down to tho is what is really worth it. And what makes something worth it.
The quote by Benjamin Franklin while political has always been more personal for me. "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." or another good political turned personal quote is the oft' mentioned "give me liberty or give me death". You see above nearly all else, be it fair or foul, I need to know that my life is my own. My mistakes are mine, my triumphs are mind. The gruesome and the glorious. That when I look back on my life I'm sure that it's my life. Not an addendum to, or footnote of, someone (anyone) elses.
I'll leave you with a quote I recently heard, “Sex doesn’t change you, it changes the people around you.”
here's the problem my dear, forget sex, forget romance, hell even forget love... remove the classification of this being said in any of those contexts and I can state clearly and unequivocally that no one has ever been everything to me. Nor to I expect anyone ever will. It's not in my nature. And it's not for a lack of caring. Is it a flaw? Mayhap, gods know I feel it is many a time. Going back to the love element, there are many kinds and types of love... and I haven't ever felt right using one to trump another. Casting one type as superior to any other. You can't compare the love of a father for his daughter to the love of a brother for his sister. Or the love of best friends to the love of a couple. Sure there are some clear cases where for a given person in a given instance one of them holds more sway. But that's a thing of the moment and shouldn't be marked as a value assessment. Now if you can find one type of love that for you out shines them all, and then find that love somewhere and hold too it. I'd congratulate you. But I can't, can't because it's not in my make up do. But can't even more because it's not even in myself to want. Going back to romance, comparing the feelings is literally for me like comparing flowers. If they're the same breed then how can you compar them, they're the same. And if they're not (which is most often the case) then how can you try to weigh one against the others? They're all unique.
Maybe my problem is in my environment. I grew up around family who were either very exclusive or had very discriminating tastes (depending on which branch of the family you're looking at). And it was always held up to me as some sort of grail of import. Someone was treated as smarter, more discerning, more insightful for having "discriminating tastes". I've always felt that the greater insight into life lays in the ability to find beauty in whatever you behold. And having found beauty to find the linkes both to yourself and to other aspects of beauty within creation. Not to weaigh and masure beauty like a comadity and then decide which one pound for pound is most worth picking up. Now going back to sex... well honestly sex has always been an after thought for me. Do I have a sex drive? oh yes be assured that I do. Can it influance my actions, quite certinly it has and like will continue to do so. But do I consider it of top shelf import? nope can't say with any truth that I have ever given it priority in my life. You see sex is what you make of it. The only intrinsic quality it has is a potentul of significance. But it's a blank slate. A symbole. It's a banner we plant where we want to plant it and then rally our selves, our actions, around. My first time was about the best I could have hoped for. I have never regreted a single thing about that night or experance, and I won't because for me that was perfict. There are so few moments of perfection in this life, I treasure what I've been given. And even with that as the defintive sexual moment for me, sex is still more of an afterthought. The biggist satisfaction I get out of sex is that if a woman is willing to share herself with me like that it's a strong indcator that she trusts me on some pretty profound levels. Cares about me too in some important ways. Without those it's unsatisfing and no orgasim in the world changes it.
But for me, to me, that's all it is. It's a physically pleasant way to express trust and affection. Perhaps even love on occasion. But it's an expression, just like a hug, or a kiss or a surprise gift. They all have their own place to be sure, and they're not identical no doubt. Nevertheless they remain in fundamentally the same family for nearly everyone no matter what they may think themselves. If they didn't gifts, hugs, kisses, and such wouldn't be cause for jealousy, distrust, unease... you get the idea. Just as French, Italian, Spanish, and English are all romance languages because of their root source Latin. So too are these and other things beyond hugs, gifts, and sex, all romance languages of another sort for they all take their roots in the same soil.
I have a fundamental belief about human belonging. I believe that intrinsically humans seek for people they belong with. Horribly we've warped it these days to be a search for someone (or ones) to belong to.
We as a nation fight wars to sustain our concept of freedom, while at the same time trying to be owned in a much more intimate way by some other person. Freedom is not an action, it's a choice. It's not about what you DO, it's about what you have the OPTION to do. This sense of possession isn't required to hold a long deep, passionate relationship. Commitment and honest, trust and love. Those are required. Not possession, not constraint, not loss.
I guess what it all comes down to tho is what is really worth it. And what makes something worth it.
The quote by Benjamin Franklin while political has always been more personal for me. "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." or another good political turned personal quote is the oft' mentioned "give me liberty or give me death". You see above nearly all else, be it fair or foul, I need to know that my life is my own. My mistakes are mine, my triumphs are mind. The gruesome and the glorious. That when I look back on my life I'm sure that it's my life. Not an addendum to, or footnote of, someone (anyone) elses.
I'll leave you with a quote I recently heard, “Sex doesn’t change you, it changes the people around you.”
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
gather round and let me tell you a story
The following is from a text based coversation I had (responses ommitted) and is describing some of my times at a yearly SCA gathering call Pensic. It was really a hoot, but you'll get the idea from the clif notes version supplied below.
"gather round and let me tell you a story"
see I was in the woods with about 12,000 other people (plus staff) who were all there for ren fest type things, sword type things, and "hey we've got gallons and gallons of free home brewed liquor will someone help us drink it" type things not to mention a light spicing of "my hubby only lets me off the leash while I'm here jump me now" type things... for flavor you know and so there are temporary buildings being set up (like sets from plays only on camp grounds) and tons of people doing fire dancing (it's like belly dancing only with flames) and battles every morning and parties every night until dawn (or pretty near) and here I am for the first few days feeling like I can't even carry on a conversation. I was even given introductions too people by my friend who'd been there before... and everyone in my camp knew me well enough (could talk to them at least)... but it was really starting to drag me down a little bit... as in "I'm the guy who can start a conversation with no one in particular and end up with friends why can't I speak when spoken too?”
then I met Dan and Scarlet and they were fun
and a nice little session around a tent and I went 'home' to sleep then went back to the "not really talking" thing and was drug out to a party by my friends, friend and wandered around there for a while it was alright, actually the party it's self was killer cool, I just couldn't seem to interact effectively
even had a few different people start conversations with me but I always just ended up like a lame duck... not only depressing but pissing me off by this point too even with cinnamon drinks being plied to me I was still awkward and shaky, then near two thirds of the way through the party and when I was about to leave I got literally leapt on by Scarlet and I found myself avoiding candles (of which there were many on cast iron stands) while making sure I didn't drop her
then Dan told me that they were going to the fire and he and I started chatting I went to "the fire" (really one of many) and found fire dancers which was fun... and aside from being very talented they weren't bad eye candy either. After that... well the rest as they say is history... I spent a lot of time hanging out with Dan/Scarlet and their friends and I enjoyed myself greatly also found at least fragments of my back bone and stopped being such a stick in the mud
as it turns out they live in florida and Scarlet asked me for my contact information because she wants to come and visit me oh and I got Absinth oh so good I found a kind that doesn't taste like black licorice (which I totally can't spell)
oh it was sooooo good had three glasses and actually got a nice fluffy buzz going **well three glasses on top of having spent hours at another party right before sooo you do the math.. oh and some 35 year old Cuban rum sooooo smooth didn't bite anymore then some wine coolers gods I drank so much... lol... didn't ever get drunk tho... which I don't mind... got tipsy a whole lot. I think the constant fire food song and walking not to mention the crisp night air helped with that tho and I got to make waves by flirting with all the girls in camp lol... not that anything happened... that's the really ironic part... place like that + me = no sex.... lol... not usually the expected equation but I didn't have a problem with it, I had a great time just as it was.
"gather round and let me tell you a story"
see I was in the woods with about 12,000 other people (plus staff) who were all there for ren fest type things, sword type things, and "hey we've got gallons and gallons of free home brewed liquor will someone help us drink it" type things not to mention a light spicing of "my hubby only lets me off the leash while I'm here jump me now" type things... for flavor you know and so there are temporary buildings being set up (like sets from plays only on camp grounds) and tons of people doing fire dancing (it's like belly dancing only with flames) and battles every morning and parties every night until dawn (or pretty near) and here I am for the first few days feeling like I can't even carry on a conversation. I was even given introductions too people by my friend who'd been there before... and everyone in my camp knew me well enough (could talk to them at least)... but it was really starting to drag me down a little bit... as in "I'm the guy who can start a conversation with no one in particular and end up with friends why can't I speak when spoken too?”
then I met Dan and Scarlet and they were fun
and a nice little session around a tent and I went 'home' to sleep then went back to the "not really talking" thing and was drug out to a party by my friends, friend and wandered around there for a while it was alright, actually the party it's self was killer cool, I just couldn't seem to interact effectively
even had a few different people start conversations with me but I always just ended up like a lame duck... not only depressing but pissing me off by this point too even with cinnamon drinks being plied to me I was still awkward and shaky, then near two thirds of the way through the party and when I was about to leave I got literally leapt on by Scarlet and I found myself avoiding candles (of which there were many on cast iron stands) while making sure I didn't drop her
then Dan told me that they were going to the fire and he and I started chatting I went to "the fire" (really one of many) and found fire dancers which was fun... and aside from being very talented they weren't bad eye candy either. After that... well the rest as they say is history... I spent a lot of time hanging out with Dan/Scarlet and their friends and I enjoyed myself greatly also found at least fragments of my back bone and stopped being such a stick in the mud
as it turns out they live in florida and Scarlet asked me for my contact information because she wants to come and visit me oh and I got Absinth oh so good I found a kind that doesn't taste like black licorice (which I totally can't spell)
oh it was sooooo good had three glasses and actually got a nice fluffy buzz going **well three glasses on top of having spent hours at another party right before sooo you do the math.. oh and some 35 year old Cuban rum sooooo smooth didn't bite anymore then some wine coolers gods I drank so much... lol... didn't ever get drunk tho... which I don't mind... got tipsy a whole lot. I think the constant fire food song and walking not to mention the crisp night air helped with that tho and I got to make waves by flirting with all the girls in camp lol... not that anything happened... that's the really ironic part... place like that + me = no sex.... lol... not usually the expected equation but I didn't have a problem with it, I had a great time just as it was.
To my dear Dr. Lecter...
the following is a response to an e-mail I received entitled the same as this post
You know I just watched those movies the other day, day before yesterday I believe it was. All three of them in a row in fact were on. Missed about a half of the marathon but spend hours watching none the less. I was quite pleased, and very "thinkish" as I put it at the time. *grins* You see I'm one of the very few people who devoutly believes that everything Hannibal does is within not only the realm of possibility, but perhaps with effort even my own grasp.
I would dearly love to understand someone, much less Nye on everyone, so well. It is, somehow, deeply compelling. What is your goal in life? I know I keep asking you this, and I know you've answered it. I ask again because it seems to me that the deeper truth of this answer has yet to be breeched and I would very much like to see it. Now do not miss conceive me here, I'm not of the mind that you are in any way striving to deceive me, simply that there are layers as yet untapped, perhaps be you as well. I've always been drawn to secrets, to enigmas, puzzles, mazes, riddles, rhymes... they are the cashmere vails in which truths are clad. I would be interested in the peoples of the universities of this or any other nation. But they are of prime interest to me as peoples, not as individuals. It is the group which grants the complexities that draw me. Perhaps that is part of why I am such as I am regarding romances, terribly deep and all at the same time very far ranging. It's a paradox, which perhaps is why I'm unable to find a reason for it aside from it it's self. I as a whole am rather a paradox which is very likely why I feel compelled to try and find it.
My other search of late is for a job, because if I have money then I am free of my own sense of obligation and thus able to unfold more fruitfully in that environment of decreased constraints and increased (especially personal) honesty. I find that those two often go hand in hand don't you? The fewer the constraints placed upon a person, no matter where they originate, the fewer impulses to deceive or deflect are present within them.
I wish to say more to you for I know you're a mind whole ability to perceive is not in question and a soul whos willingness to explore has been noted. However I will simply leave you with this for it is the last clear thing I have to say at this very moment.
“Reality is collaborative, truth is intimate”
- JSN
You know I just watched those movies the other day, day before yesterday I believe it was. All three of them in a row in fact were on. Missed about a half of the marathon but spend hours watching none the less. I was quite pleased, and very "thinkish" as I put it at the time. *grins* You see I'm one of the very few people who devoutly believes that everything Hannibal does is within not only the realm of possibility, but perhaps with effort even my own grasp.
I would dearly love to understand someone, much less Nye on everyone, so well. It is, somehow, deeply compelling. What is your goal in life? I know I keep asking you this, and I know you've answered it. I ask again because it seems to me that the deeper truth of this answer has yet to be breeched and I would very much like to see it. Now do not miss conceive me here, I'm not of the mind that you are in any way striving to deceive me, simply that there are layers as yet untapped, perhaps be you as well. I've always been drawn to secrets, to enigmas, puzzles, mazes, riddles, rhymes... they are the cashmere vails in which truths are clad. I would be interested in the peoples of the universities of this or any other nation. But they are of prime interest to me as peoples, not as individuals. It is the group which grants the complexities that draw me. Perhaps that is part of why I am such as I am regarding romances, terribly deep and all at the same time very far ranging. It's a paradox, which perhaps is why I'm unable to find a reason for it aside from it it's self. I as a whole am rather a paradox which is very likely why I feel compelled to try and find it.
My other search of late is for a job, because if I have money then I am free of my own sense of obligation and thus able to unfold more fruitfully in that environment of decreased constraints and increased (especially personal) honesty. I find that those two often go hand in hand don't you? The fewer the constraints placed upon a person, no matter where they originate, the fewer impulses to deceive or deflect are present within them.
I wish to say more to you for I know you're a mind whole ability to perceive is not in question and a soul whos willingness to explore has been noted. However I will simply leave you with this for it is the last clear thing I have to say at this very moment.
“Reality is collaborative, truth is intimate”
- JSN
...he opens a window
Hello everyone if you’re here and it’s the first days of this blog then you know me, so most of this will come as no surprise. If you’re here in the latter days of this blog, well, I expect there will be some of you who don’t yet know me at all.
The following are not facts, they are truths. They are not universal, they are personal. This will very rarely be a catalog of events, it will be thoughts. Some of the entries here in will be reposts of letters, or taken from letters, written to trusted friends. They will know why they are, you may guess if you wish but I make no promises about answering. In fact I make no real promises at all about this blog, save that you will have one of the most largely unfiltered windows into my world and my thoughts that you could ever find. Look if you wish, draw the shades if you would. Feel free to ask questions or delve into anything that is set before you. You will find me willing enough to talk. But great and small these are to be my thoughts, at the moment I put them down, and I will not claim all of them to be noble and good. But do not ask me for a justification to their being there, for it is by your choice alone that you look, if the sight does not please you simply look elsewhere.
The following are not facts, they are truths. They are not universal, they are personal. This will very rarely be a catalog of events, it will be thoughts. Some of the entries here in will be reposts of letters, or taken from letters, written to trusted friends. They will know why they are, you may guess if you wish but I make no promises about answering. In fact I make no real promises at all about this blog, save that you will have one of the most largely unfiltered windows into my world and my thoughts that you could ever find. Look if you wish, draw the shades if you would. Feel free to ask questions or delve into anything that is set before you. You will find me willing enough to talk. But great and small these are to be my thoughts, at the moment I put them down, and I will not claim all of them to be noble and good. But do not ask me for a justification to their being there, for it is by your choice alone that you look, if the sight does not please you simply look elsewhere.
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