Bright Eyes

This is in response to being asked what I thought of when listening to the Bright Eyes song, Lover I don't have to love.


it reminds me of highschool, it reminds me of the darkest sights of my mind, it fills my sense of the world like water by moonlight fills your senses.
It's the opiate of depression. "bad actors with bad habits" seems like most of the world be especially those people who know better are so within reach of better.
"do you like to hurt than hurt me" there are moments where that could be the motto I used to pick out my dates. It's the connections of the disconnected. The addictive taste of poison. The surrender into that state where only blood and sex feel real. "I need some meaning I can memorize, the kind I have always seems to slip my mind" it's the act of giving in to seeking value only from others, in TAKING value from others like something to be sucked dry and used up. More than that it's the taste of what makes that alluring.
It's the thing I can least allow myself so for some fragment of me it's the thing that's most deeply wanted. "I want a love I don't have to love, I want a girl that's too sad to give a fuck" the freedom of being with someone who's so far gone that even I don't feel compelled to try and save her... it would be liberating, it would allow my darker side to just express it's self without restraint. And that of course is deeply alluring and cloyingly repugnant all at once. My own personal taboo. And there's the next layer of it all which is how much this song seems so true of the fundamental patterns most people live on. It's a sensation like sitting in a room full of people who are drinking after you've given it up. There's a craving deep in the gut no matter what you say to anybody. Both depression and sado-masochism are addictive, physically as well as psychologically addictive. If I don't fight those back at least a handful of times in a month it's been a good month.
The impetus to slip into it (which is not the experience of it) is something you live with once you've been there. As Yoda says "once you start down the dark path forever will it dominate your destiny".
"you write such pretty words, but lifes no storybook. Loves an excuse to get hurt, do you like to hurt? do you? do you? then hurt me..." even in the depths there's still some sort of urge to link, even if there's not enough follow through to truly do it. Just like there's an urge to breath even when the euphoria of drowning has set in, even if it's only water. You see I know something that's never said. Selfishness is despair. And even I have desires which call me to wallow in it. "...I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full..." well I think now perhaps you have an idea of what that song does. It's not every last thing, but whatever is. Ask questions if you wish, there are usually more answers to be had.