"...all these little abandonments, how the seem so real to me..."

Well this is another section from a conversation folks. This is in response to a very heart felt description of some personal wounds my friend suffered so I won't be including those, also this is a very emotionally based piece from me so some statements of absolute have crept in, as always absolutes tend not be literal.

The doubts and the fears and the height of nothingness within yourself has a face and a name and can be overcome. I know it all to well within me. I was always left out and outside because I was home schooled and we moved all the time to finish my fathers PhD. I broke down when we sold our first car because it was something that held familiarity to me and it was one of the only things left. I've spent the bulk of my life on the outside of everything looking in through a glass wall of social differences. All I want really is for someone to accept me for who and what I am without reservation and then help me try to attain new heights for myself. To push me whenever I set a goal for myself, and to do it not because of any cost or benefit they receive from it but because it's what I need. As the song says "this is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is". This is something I've always lacked in a major way. This core to rely upon. I have friends, good ones, but as you know there's some part of things that needs to be filled by a romantic element, that’s what’s lacking and that's the most complicated to find. At least for me it has been. I can feel my relationships coming to an end one by one. Can feel the substance of them slipping away into vapors when it's short on life left in it. And I dread that sensation, see ghosts and jump at shadows where there are none to be found. I'm wonderfully gifted at getting attention when I'm bound to do it. As such I'm also gifted at getting ladies into bed with me if I so desire. And everyone thinks this is reason enough for me to be happy, as if sex is what I'm seeking or all I need. *small sad face* I will admit I enjoy it, perhaps more than most people and I've even used it as a distraction from when everywhere hurts so badly I can't breath. But it's no substitute. I demand a lot out of a relationship, but no more than I willingly put in. I'm not big on symmetry tho, and that's even harder. I make rules for myself and enforce symmetry to make sure I'm not exploiting anyone, however my heart's not always in it.. and in some ways I think that shows. Every woman I've been with, and even some that I haven't dated but just have had some level of involvement with, has eventually gotten to the place where they leave me because they can't stand how easy it is for me to acquire the attentions of other women. I have to point out here that it's not they can't stand how much I use this ability, it’s the fact that it's there at all which Gauls them so. I know because I've tried gutting anything I can think of out of myself and my actions to remove it, repress it, and just not indulge in it. And nothing is ever enough. I have been completely devoted before, so much so that I would do ANYTHING within my power to make this girl happy, no matter what I thought about it or felt about it. And that still wasn't enough, she was still obsessed with how I was ‘this’ or ‘that’ with someone else. It got to the point where I was being told that having profound conversations with members of the female sex was infringing on infidelity. That just broke my heart. Since then I've given up trying to avoid it and now I just hope to find some people who will understand me for it and accept that this is who I am. I have friends that do, but hell even some of my closets friends still struggle with accepting me on this, I feel like it's the same as if I'd "come out" as homosexual... even the ones who still love me act just a little bit 'different' now. It makes me sad. And with how big on truth I am it also makes me crazy, because I don’t want to wear on my sleeve either of the main elements involved in this. My adaptation; that I'm not one for total exclusivity (viewed largely as "oh look he's shallow and just wants sex"). Or the inborn element that I just attract peoples notice and seem to provoke some greater than average sexual interest (viewed mostly as a statement of raw ego and pure unadulterated arrogance). So I don't bring it up... and then I feel disingenuous much of the time, because it's one thing not to say something, but it's another thing when it's buzzing around your brain like a burning hornet all the time and you never speak a word of it. You know once a friend and I were board and for our own amusement starting trying to call how long it would take one of us to seduce girls that we happened to notice in the course of where ever our travels for the day were taking us. I mention this only because there's long before that been another tally in the back of my head that is it’s converse. The one which upon seeing into someone makes the call of how long they'd be likely to last in a relationship with me before they too walk out on me. *sigh*. So yah, I dig insecurities. And I too know right where mine are coming from.