only fear

I was just asked what makes me guarded, why past a certain point I seem perptually withdrawn, well it's a good question and sparked an honest answer, I provide it for you here...

what set me on gaurd? why dear lady learning to speak did. That's not

clear tho. The answer is that I knew myself before I knew speech, and

when I'd gained the skills to speak with others I started to learn

things such as lies, betrayal, forswearing, dishonor, and crulity.

These were not part of my world before, it took my mother nearly two

weeks to convice me that people would be capable of lieing. I couldn't

comprehend the phnomon, it made no sense to me it felt so wrong. Then

when I finally accepted that with a sick sinking feeling in my gut I

asked her why they didn't just make people promise to tell the truth

before they asked them questions, because surely even those so depraved

as to lie wouldn't break their word. Another week more or less passed

with that one. After which I was broken and some part of me feels like

sobbing everytime I go back to that place, it was when I lost faith in

the basic goodness of our species. It took longer for me to become

aquinted with betrayle, that wasn't until my teens, and that taught me

how someone could come to desire sadistic things as well for I was made

crule, truely crule for the first time in my life. Dishonor I still

don't understand even tho I've tasted it ground into my face time and

again. I'm not the perfict moral person I once was, I'm not as worthy

or as good as I started out to be, no where near so pure. And I say

that from knowing myself, not from any religion or phlospy so I can't

have the luxery of wondering if I've been misled. I fall short of my

own truth and there is no escaping that, I must find a way to rise above

and struggle with that every day. I know more temperance now than once

I did, I'm less of an extreamist and that's all towards the best near as

I can tell. I don't trust people because they can stomic what is going

on better than I can and if they can do ought be choke on this abhorent

situation I am profoundly distrubed. However it's not for me to judge

individuals, everyone has a reason to be where they are and I too have

fallen so how am I to set myself in judgement? I am not. Therefore I

strive and try to aid others hopeing that somehow the blind can lead the

blind out of this mire. Why do I look? to understand what I can't

concive, where this all started. I can grasp how once inflicted with it

you can have it re-occur. How when faced with it sometimes it is the

answer to fighting it. What I don't know and yet strive to see is where

it came from, what started it. Somewhere in the scope of people lays

that answer and I will have it, I must have it... I need to understand.

And people, most people are well intentioned yet weak. What if, I'm not

saying it is so, but what if that one who hurt you last year was

drinking a bit and started out meaning to be friendly... and then

crubled before his own poisen? I've seen it happen, I've struck people

down for it (no I've not killed anyone in this life) I taste the

weakness of others, their pain and hopeless fuitility. Kennidy was

right, fear it's self. It feeds on it's self, grows stronger. It's like

cancer of the heart, strangeling the soul.
Why am I gaurded? because no one can afford for me to be weak, too many

others are too many others need help from those who've succumbed to this

toxic soup we call "culture" and even that assement is limited. And

even worse than that what if I were to fall into such degenaration?

What if I let myself degrade so? That thought drives me like a bryer

thorn lash, I could be so horrable, I've drunk poisen to understand it's

power and now must fight it every day as it holds a portion of my soul

in it's sway, must except it be it embrace it yet always master it,

always. I fear the day I slip more than anything else creation has to

offer me, I'd rather be peeled from the insideout by parasites.
Tho' the two don't seem so diffrent really. I know how to do what's

right these days but listening to discordant hymes in my soul and

dancing to their contra beat. I predate the parasites so that I don't

become one. That is what I'm always on gaurd against, the one and only

thing I've every really wanted, to touch the world.