I spend every day looking at a glass pyramid rising to frame a monolithic Pharaoh, bracketed by two flights of sweeping stairs. All set together in a sky made golden by the slanting rays of the sun.
I’ve put this image on the desktop of my computer as it resonates to me, it speaks of hope and joy and the power unleashed by pure truth and freedom.
I feel this more every day, I feel this and I smile, I have a few very close friends and my younger second self to thank for this *grins* you know who you are. I’m more than pleased I’m empowered and it’s the next step in my personal evolution. I my desire to share this joyous sensation with you who read herein is what’s inspired my writing today. I hope I’ve opened up some sliver of a view to what I mean, it feels exceptional and as I have my way everyone of you will know it for yourselves, first hand. As for me it’s time I move forward with taking reality by storm *smiles warmly*
Wish me luck
Sol
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Reflextions on my teens
At sixteen years old I had it all figured out, I think at that age many of us do. I knew what I career I would peruse, what schooling I would need to succeed. What environment I wanted to live in, how much I’d make and the answers to all of the ‘why’ about all of this. By sixteen years old all these plans were obliterated by meeting the love of my life Sarah. Common enough name for a girl who has always been, to me, earthshaking. She taught me the value of living in the moment without even knowing that she had. She was the inspiration for my social coming of age and the motivation behind my long over due emergence into a world my home schooled upbringing had long kept me a step apart form. By my sixteenth birthday I’d never been kissed, I’d never been drunk, I’d never taken a pill or a powder, I often refused painkillers or antibiotics. I’d never been on a date or had a girlfriend. I didn’t know what terms like ‘flirt’ and ‘tease’ meant when uttered by most people. I wouldn’t have been able to pick someone ‘hitting on’ me out of a crowed for a thousand dollars in cash. I didn’t drink caffeine, I didn’t eat sugar, or meat. I didn’t like to eat anything which the words “deep fried” could describe. I wasn’t aware that what I called fun was ‘exercise’ and considered and obligation by most people. I didn’t know that anyone would try to force somebody else to learn, much less condition them to learn a preset ideology.
By seventeen almost all of this was changed or on it’s way to being. By seventeen I’d been propositioned by the majority of my friends girl friends. Something I’m proud to say I have chosen to turn down putting friendship above temporary gratifications. By seventeen, I’d cheated and been cheated on and discovered that it hurt more to brake faith myself than to have it broken with me. Somewhere in there I was introduced to threesomes first in concept by a friend of mine in a conversation he had in my presence. Then in actuality by an ever changing parade of combinations of friends and acquaintances, most of whom were female. I learned that I could almost freeze to death, turn purple with cold, and feel it less than the sting of seeing the girl I loved with someone else no matter what ‘right’ I had to say so or not. I learned that I could drink more than was healthy and survive a plethora of bad judgment, most of it other peoples but some of it mine as well. I learned that I could exist on almost no water in the heat of a desert summer and that for me there is reason enough to have faith in the face of mother culture. (A phrase I unabashedly steal from Daniel Quinn)
Before I left my teens there were some other lessons I learned. Choice is more important than the present state of things. Truth is sometimes so complex as to be functionally relative. Or as I like to say; reality is collaborative truth is personal. I learned that very few people even consider being as loyal as I am by default. I discovered that deep feeling, pure passion, total sincerity, and the very best of intentions aren’t enough in the face of fear, panic, pain, and jealousy. And I learned that even the most potent loves can be damaged if not wholly shattered by inconsistency. I learned that what people think of as “the one” or their “soulmate” is just someone who will see them for who they really are ugly and pure and accept that even when they don’t agree with it. And that we’ve been lied to twice by our stories, once when we were told the search for that connection had anything to do with romance or sex, and once when we were told that we’d only ever find one, and that if we were lucky.
I learned that everyone deserves, at least once, another chance and that most people will waste it. I learned that “what if” is one of the most popular ways to lie. I learned to my shock that sex isn’t about love, and to my eternal joy that love expressed through sex is one of the most amazing and wonderful experiences that could be hoped for. I learned that my mother was right, the first time will effect you forever, and I was happy that I’d listened to her advice before I made my choices. I learned that regrets are flags for our unfinished business and that living with them is the same as running out on our lives.
I found out that even when the lesson is learned a hard memory doesn’t become a happy one, but the poison does drain out of it over time.
I saw time and again how much more deeply judgmental Jon Q Public is than me, masses or single serving packets.
In the years since high school I’ve picked up a few things too. I’ve gotten better at sex, chit-chat, and coy one liners. I’ve gotten worse at having faith in people or being willing to count on anybody with my safety. I’ve see love conquer all, except self doubt and fear. And I’ve discovered that most people don’t want your help even when they ask for it. I’ve gotten better at asking for help, and worse at admitting when I need it. I’ve become stronger, and weaker. I’ve gotten injured and healed up (almost all the way). I’ve realized that saying what you mean, and meaning what you say doesn’t mean that you’ll be believed or understood and that even being completely literal and direct doesn’t shield you from being miss represented or having someone put their personal baggage before their experiences with you.
I’ve lost hope, and found it again. I’ve been tempted to lie, and relearned out pointless it is. I’ve discovered that compassion, love, confidence, and decency are the only things that seem to give life color and spark. And that panic, fear, and jealousy are all masks worn by one beast and that creature sickens me because it’s in the guts of all the things about this world that turn my stomach and brake my heart. I’ve learned that people would rather be needed than wanted. And would rather make relationships, especially sexual ones, akin to treaties or business deals than to artistic beauty expressed through human intimacy. I’ve learned that “it’s not death if you don’t except it”. And that mortality holds no repugnance for me yet I’ll fight it tooth and nail ever breath I take.
There’s a lot more but this will do for now, I don’t want to lose my clarity or honesty about these things. But I’ll give you just one more, I’ve learned that anyone who thinks “all women” or “all men” is a way to begin any accurate or honest statement is either blind, ignorant, or in denial.
Sol
By seventeen almost all of this was changed or on it’s way to being. By seventeen I’d been propositioned by the majority of my friends girl friends. Something I’m proud to say I have chosen to turn down putting friendship above temporary gratifications. By seventeen, I’d cheated and been cheated on and discovered that it hurt more to brake faith myself than to have it broken with me. Somewhere in there I was introduced to threesomes first in concept by a friend of mine in a conversation he had in my presence. Then in actuality by an ever changing parade of combinations of friends and acquaintances, most of whom were female. I learned that I could almost freeze to death, turn purple with cold, and feel it less than the sting of seeing the girl I loved with someone else no matter what ‘right’ I had to say so or not. I learned that I could drink more than was healthy and survive a plethora of bad judgment, most of it other peoples but some of it mine as well. I learned that I could exist on almost no water in the heat of a desert summer and that for me there is reason enough to have faith in the face of mother culture. (A phrase I unabashedly steal from Daniel Quinn)
Before I left my teens there were some other lessons I learned. Choice is more important than the present state of things. Truth is sometimes so complex as to be functionally relative. Or as I like to say; reality is collaborative truth is personal. I learned that very few people even consider being as loyal as I am by default. I discovered that deep feeling, pure passion, total sincerity, and the very best of intentions aren’t enough in the face of fear, panic, pain, and jealousy. And I learned that even the most potent loves can be damaged if not wholly shattered by inconsistency. I learned that what people think of as “the one” or their “soulmate” is just someone who will see them for who they really are ugly and pure and accept that even when they don’t agree with it. And that we’ve been lied to twice by our stories, once when we were told the search for that connection had anything to do with romance or sex, and once when we were told that we’d only ever find one, and that if we were lucky.
I learned that everyone deserves, at least once, another chance and that most people will waste it. I learned that “what if” is one of the most popular ways to lie. I learned to my shock that sex isn’t about love, and to my eternal joy that love expressed through sex is one of the most amazing and wonderful experiences that could be hoped for. I learned that my mother was right, the first time will effect you forever, and I was happy that I’d listened to her advice before I made my choices. I learned that regrets are flags for our unfinished business and that living with them is the same as running out on our lives.
I found out that even when the lesson is learned a hard memory doesn’t become a happy one, but the poison does drain out of it over time.
I saw time and again how much more deeply judgmental Jon Q Public is than me, masses or single serving packets.
In the years since high school I’ve picked up a few things too. I’ve gotten better at sex, chit-chat, and coy one liners. I’ve gotten worse at having faith in people or being willing to count on anybody with my safety. I’ve see love conquer all, except self doubt and fear. And I’ve discovered that most people don’t want your help even when they ask for it. I’ve gotten better at asking for help, and worse at admitting when I need it. I’ve become stronger, and weaker. I’ve gotten injured and healed up (almost all the way). I’ve realized that saying what you mean, and meaning what you say doesn’t mean that you’ll be believed or understood and that even being completely literal and direct doesn’t shield you from being miss represented or having someone put their personal baggage before their experiences with you.
I’ve lost hope, and found it again. I’ve been tempted to lie, and relearned out pointless it is. I’ve discovered that compassion, love, confidence, and decency are the only things that seem to give life color and spark. And that panic, fear, and jealousy are all masks worn by one beast and that creature sickens me because it’s in the guts of all the things about this world that turn my stomach and brake my heart. I’ve learned that people would rather be needed than wanted. And would rather make relationships, especially sexual ones, akin to treaties or business deals than to artistic beauty expressed through human intimacy. I’ve learned that “it’s not death if you don’t except it”. And that mortality holds no repugnance for me yet I’ll fight it tooth and nail ever breath I take.
There’s a lot more but this will do for now, I don’t want to lose my clarity or honesty about these things. But I’ll give you just one more, I’ve learned that anyone who thinks “all women” or “all men” is a way to begin any accurate or honest statement is either blind, ignorant, or in denial.
Sol
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Old school morning
there's something profundly Springsteen about getting off work and walking home into the dawn of a city street. Something, classic. And I got to be a part of that today. Feels great, like I've stepped somewhere into the annanels of hisotry. Talked so much about so much that my brain feels like mush, but it's a good mush. Life is again picking up and I see that there's been progress throughout. Time to put my money where my mouth is about amostly everything that's ready to hand. I challange I except egerly. But first, for today, it's time to sleep.
Good moring all, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight ;)
Sol
Good moring all, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight ;)
Sol
Sunday, April 24, 2005
“...I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed...”
It’s a lyric from a song I adore, and until today(April 24, 2005) I didn’t really understand it. Maybe it’s an early birthday gift. I do have all of my other elements described before here in, but my desire, ability, intent to be devoted first and foremost to someone arises where there are conditions to foster it’s growth. Namely an understanding of it in me. Which is why I have so little of it in my life because I’ve yet to meet someone who holds much of it. My rambling aside for the moment let me share with you my Epiphany. There is a direct physiological correlation between how emotionally secure I feel about my romantic bonds and my libido. This also covers what little territory there is remaining within me at present that still sparks jealousy; this being when I feel I’m losing something, the simplest way to put it would be I don’t mind time spent with someone else so long as it doesn’t take away time from me. Now that’s a broad a crude measure because it’s not really about time per say even, it’s about weather or not the “in tune” level of my relationship is diminished by someone else being involved. The true divining rod would be comparing these two states i.e. “What she would do with Z here” & “What she would do without Z in the equation”. As long as the two states as they apply to intimate moments with me (not sexual that’s actually the least of it for me, intimate) match within a small margin then I have no problem. What gets me upset is when they don’t. What gets me jealous is when “Z” either doesn’t seem to give a damn (when “Z” is a friend) or is actively (weather overt or covert) contributing.
So what it boils down to is that all I’m seeking from a relationship is someone who sees and accepts me for who I am and who will in some small ways show me this through unique interactions with me which are unswayed by the influences of others regardless of gender, blood-tie, or anything else.
I guess when I finally brake it down my motives are not so different from anyone else are they?
Sol
So what it boils down to is that all I’m seeking from a relationship is someone who sees and accepts me for who I am and who will in some small ways show me this through unique interactions with me which are unswayed by the influences of others regardless of gender, blood-tie, or anything else.
I guess when I finally brake it down my motives are not so different from anyone else are they?
Sol
Friday, April 22, 2005
"...it's the only place I wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah..."
New job, new school, new out look, whole new energy, same core me. Life feels good, what's been the moneky on my back driving me is currently in a head-lock being pummeled against the ropes. I'm on track again and it's of that realm titled "greatest feeln' ever". I'm splitting a gym membership with a friend o' mine and likely looking into studying with Master Moon (highly renown Martial Artist for those who don't obsess over such things like I do) then perhaps some open style prize fighting *grins* what can I say it's got a certain charm to me. I've got the 9-5 thing worked out after one day of hitting the pavement and I have the week off from it to go pull a golf gig which will pay more (how sweet is that?) plus my birthday is in three days after which my rich uncle sam will help me with school (fingers crossed) wherein I can learn the art of personality profiling and make a profession of being an expert witness and a Fed for a while until I'm willing to settel into teaching as a Prof somewhere. My goals and aspirations are finally coming back into focus again like they were before my sixteenth and that's a superb feeling. Throw in the Uncle Kracker song 'Yeah, yeah, yeah', a beer and a bag of chips on this my day off and I'm feeling pretty damn spiffy. The rest? well the rest isn't my problem to solve so long as I'm stable I'll be alright. Just needed to get on my feet so I'd stop feeling threatened by every other thing that happened and now I just feel good *grins*. So anyone know any good grants for an aspiring Forensic Psychologist?
Love to all,
Sol
Love to all,
Sol
Thursday, April 14, 2005
“People are strange when you’re a Stranger”
I am so deeply fascinated by this phenomenon. The paradox of truth, especially as it plays out within the individual self of all people. I don’t mean that statement to imply it is a static state, far from it in truth, however it is I believe a wellspring we all dip into at some moment (or moments) in our life.
During “Pitch Black” the Character of James Riddick asks “are you afraid of the dark?” I have personally become greatly enamored with this character because of what he represents in the context of our society. The whole of that crash-landed group are archetypal avatars as well as individual characters. And I suppose I could go off on a whole tangent about that alone but I will not, at least at this time.
Paradox in both Physics and Psychology is a key element in maintaining a viable system. Now before I get lynched by my physicist friends let me say that my view on it ties into string theory and a whole host of other things but is too complex/convoluted to go into here without digressing. Besides with the best of my understanding, truth is not fact (and for that matter fact is not fact either, it’s an illusory conception like perfection implying a totality which is wholly unrealistic).
I’ve recently read a quote from Jung that sparks agreement with me, one of those ‘he’s saying what I said only better’ moments. The quote is “Mere suppression of the Shadow is as little a remedy as beheading would be for a headache.”
And as I watch our world on every level there is enaction of this very miss step occurring. It seems we live in an age where we’re so afraid as a culture that we cannot acknowledge our own part in darkness. Even tho darkness is not a synonym for evil it has been vilified as such because it holds that which we shove away. Think about movies such as “meet the parents” and then think about something like “the last boy-scout” which one did you wince more during? The majority of people flinch more in the face of personal embarrassment than external carnage.
On a cultural level a glaring example of this is a missing part in our response to the Al Quida attacks of September. We have never once owned up, as a nation, to our clear and glaring part in creating that tragedy. Moreover we shout down anyone who’d allude to it’s presence trying to claim that they’re attempting to justify the actions of the hijackers. What a glaring logical fallacy that assertion is, and yet as a nation we suck it down without batting an eye.
“This event is shocking and senseless” “we had no way of anticipating” etc.
Point blank, we trained the man. Should our CIA have known he was a threat? Yes because they taught him how to do what he does. Should Bush Sr. Have know? Yes because he was running the CIA at the time. Go find some old tapes of Olly North. Back during Iran contra he was sighting this danger during hearings. Now granted he was doing it to get himself off the hook, but that’s hardly the point.
We are culturally conditioned to repress and deny being indoctrinated into the misconception that this somehow promotes stability. Which is as sane and reasonable as saying you should build your house a Old Faithful because it makes the foundation secure. We are literally creating within individuals and socity as a whole, a vast pressure cooker of unexpressed and unrecognized emotions & thoughts. Like the parents who spank their child for play fighting with friends. The child is taught that ‘his’ impulse to express such feelings in a playful manner is unacceptable, while being shown that to do so as a method of punishing others is acceptable. That is a dangerous precedent to set and our culture is rife with them.
This repression is a prime source of the “quite man” phenomenon. As in when neighbors state that they can’t believe so and so would ever do anything wrong because he was such a quite man. The concept that if someone is completely self inclosed and doesn’t demonstrate or share any profound human emotions that they are deemed “safe” is baffling to me. A lack of social interaction is not a sign of social good health.
Or the parent who’d rather smile when upset than show an honest emotion in front of their children. Only later to explode as the emotions build up over time. If someone makes an irritating noise once that’s all it is. But if we’re taught we have no right to comment on or change it then after hours/days/years of listening to the same noise thoughts of violence are apt to become more prevalent. The same as after a bad day someone is more likely to get into a bar fight than after a good day. The emotions build up just like water behind a dam.
What fascinates me most in all of this however is that I came to this understanding and made the choice to be clear with myself and others about who I was all the way back in my pre-teens. And it’s taken consistent work to succeed especially in the face of such social static, but it’s easily been worth it. And I wonder why so few within our nation or “civilized” world have done the same. I must especially wonder in at it’s lack in the face of an overwhelming volume of mythological and psychological references to the necessity of doing so. Most notably in the latter field is the above quoted Carl Jung. All of this to me begs two questions, first “who’s idea was it to begin enforcing this repression? And to what end?” and second “why have we has a whole lacked the will to divest ourselves of this deeply harmful paradigm of behavior even when presented with so much insight urging us to do percicly that.”
I’m sure I will come back to this subject more than once, but for now I’ll leave it. If anyone would care to venture guesses as to the answers to my questions I’d be interested to hear them.
Sol
“Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and
Show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it, why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself
Once I used to believe
I was such a great romancer
Then I came home to a woman
That I could not recognize
When I pressed her for a reason
She refused to even answer
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself
You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn't always evil
And he is not always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions
You will never quench the fire
You'll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.”
The Stranger
by
Billy Joel
During “Pitch Black” the Character of James Riddick asks “are you afraid of the dark?” I have personally become greatly enamored with this character because of what he represents in the context of our society. The whole of that crash-landed group are archetypal avatars as well as individual characters. And I suppose I could go off on a whole tangent about that alone but I will not, at least at this time.
Paradox in both Physics and Psychology is a key element in maintaining a viable system. Now before I get lynched by my physicist friends let me say that my view on it ties into string theory and a whole host of other things but is too complex/convoluted to go into here without digressing. Besides with the best of my understanding, truth is not fact (and for that matter fact is not fact either, it’s an illusory conception like perfection implying a totality which is wholly unrealistic).
I’ve recently read a quote from Jung that sparks agreement with me, one of those ‘he’s saying what I said only better’ moments. The quote is “Mere suppression of the Shadow is as little a remedy as beheading would be for a headache.”
And as I watch our world on every level there is enaction of this very miss step occurring. It seems we live in an age where we’re so afraid as a culture that we cannot acknowledge our own part in darkness. Even tho darkness is not a synonym for evil it has been vilified as such because it holds that which we shove away. Think about movies such as “meet the parents” and then think about something like “the last boy-scout” which one did you wince more during? The majority of people flinch more in the face of personal embarrassment than external carnage.
On a cultural level a glaring example of this is a missing part in our response to the Al Quida attacks of September. We have never once owned up, as a nation, to our clear and glaring part in creating that tragedy. Moreover we shout down anyone who’d allude to it’s presence trying to claim that they’re attempting to justify the actions of the hijackers. What a glaring logical fallacy that assertion is, and yet as a nation we suck it down without batting an eye.
“This event is shocking and senseless” “we had no way of anticipating” etc.
Point blank, we trained the man. Should our CIA have known he was a threat? Yes because they taught him how to do what he does. Should Bush Sr. Have know? Yes because he was running the CIA at the time. Go find some old tapes of Olly North. Back during Iran contra he was sighting this danger during hearings. Now granted he was doing it to get himself off the hook, but that’s hardly the point.
We are culturally conditioned to repress and deny being indoctrinated into the misconception that this somehow promotes stability. Which is as sane and reasonable as saying you should build your house a Old Faithful because it makes the foundation secure. We are literally creating within individuals and socity as a whole, a vast pressure cooker of unexpressed and unrecognized emotions & thoughts. Like the parents who spank their child for play fighting with friends. The child is taught that ‘his’ impulse to express such feelings in a playful manner is unacceptable, while being shown that to do so as a method of punishing others is acceptable. That is a dangerous precedent to set and our culture is rife with them.
This repression is a prime source of the “quite man” phenomenon. As in when neighbors state that they can’t believe so and so would ever do anything wrong because he was such a quite man. The concept that if someone is completely self inclosed and doesn’t demonstrate or share any profound human emotions that they are deemed “safe” is baffling to me. A lack of social interaction is not a sign of social good health.
Or the parent who’d rather smile when upset than show an honest emotion in front of their children. Only later to explode as the emotions build up over time. If someone makes an irritating noise once that’s all it is. But if we’re taught we have no right to comment on or change it then after hours/days/years of listening to the same noise thoughts of violence are apt to become more prevalent. The same as after a bad day someone is more likely to get into a bar fight than after a good day. The emotions build up just like water behind a dam.
What fascinates me most in all of this however is that I came to this understanding and made the choice to be clear with myself and others about who I was all the way back in my pre-teens. And it’s taken consistent work to succeed especially in the face of such social static, but it’s easily been worth it. And I wonder why so few within our nation or “civilized” world have done the same. I must especially wonder in at it’s lack in the face of an overwhelming volume of mythological and psychological references to the necessity of doing so. Most notably in the latter field is the above quoted Carl Jung. All of this to me begs two questions, first “who’s idea was it to begin enforcing this repression? And to what end?” and second “why have we has a whole lacked the will to divest ourselves of this deeply harmful paradigm of behavior even when presented with so much insight urging us to do percicly that.”
I’m sure I will come back to this subject more than once, but for now I’ll leave it. If anyone would care to venture guesses as to the answers to my questions I’d be interested to hear them.
Sol
“Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and
Show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it, why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself
Once I used to believe
I was such a great romancer
Then I came home to a woman
That I could not recognize
When I pressed her for a reason
She refused to even answer
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?
Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself
You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn't always evil
And he is not always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions
You will never quench the fire
You'll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.”
The Stranger
by
Billy Joel
Monday, April 11, 2005
"...all these little abandonments, how the seem so real to me..."
Well this is another section from a conversation folks. This is in response to a very heart felt description of some personal wounds my friend suffered so I won't be including those, also this is a very emotionally based piece from me so some statements of absolute have crept in, as always absolutes tend not be literal.
The doubts and the fears and the height of nothingness within yourself has a face and a name and can be overcome. I know it all to well within me. I was always left out and outside because I was home schooled and we moved all the time to finish my fathers PhD. I broke down when we sold our first car because it was something that held familiarity to me and it was one of the only things left. I've spent the bulk of my life on the outside of everything looking in through a glass wall of social differences. All I want really is for someone to accept me for who and what I am without reservation and then help me try to attain new heights for myself. To push me whenever I set a goal for myself, and to do it not because of any cost or benefit they receive from it but because it's what I need. As the song says "this is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is". This is something I've always lacked in a major way. This core to rely upon. I have friends, good ones, but as you know there's some part of things that needs to be filled by a romantic element, that’s what’s lacking and that's the most complicated to find. At least for me it has been. I can feel my relationships coming to an end one by one. Can feel the substance of them slipping away into vapors when it's short on life left in it. And I dread that sensation, see ghosts and jump at shadows where there are none to be found. I'm wonderfully gifted at getting attention when I'm bound to do it. As such I'm also gifted at getting ladies into bed with me if I so desire. And everyone thinks this is reason enough for me to be happy, as if sex is what I'm seeking or all I need. *small sad face* I will admit I enjoy it, perhaps more than most people and I've even used it as a distraction from when everywhere hurts so badly I can't breath. But it's no substitute. I demand a lot out of a relationship, but no more than I willingly put in. I'm not big on symmetry tho, and that's even harder. I make rules for myself and enforce symmetry to make sure I'm not exploiting anyone, however my heart's not always in it.. and in some ways I think that shows. Every woman I've been with, and even some that I haven't dated but just have had some level of involvement with, has eventually gotten to the place where they leave me because they can't stand how easy it is for me to acquire the attentions of other women. I have to point out here that it's not they can't stand how much I use this ability, it’s the fact that it's there at all which Gauls them so. I know because I've tried gutting anything I can think of out of myself and my actions to remove it, repress it, and just not indulge in it. And nothing is ever enough. I have been completely devoted before, so much so that I would do ANYTHING within my power to make this girl happy, no matter what I thought about it or felt about it. And that still wasn't enough, she was still obsessed with how I was ‘this’ or ‘that’ with someone else. It got to the point where I was being told that having profound conversations with members of the female sex was infringing on infidelity. That just broke my heart. Since then I've given up trying to avoid it and now I just hope to find some people who will understand me for it and accept that this is who I am. I have friends that do, but hell even some of my closets friends still struggle with accepting me on this, I feel like it's the same as if I'd "come out" as homosexual... even the ones who still love me act just a little bit 'different' now. It makes me sad. And with how big on truth I am it also makes me crazy, because I don’t want to wear on my sleeve either of the main elements involved in this. My adaptation; that I'm not one for total exclusivity (viewed largely as "oh look he's shallow and just wants sex"). Or the inborn element that I just attract peoples notice and seem to provoke some greater than average sexual interest (viewed mostly as a statement of raw ego and pure unadulterated arrogance). So I don't bring it up... and then I feel disingenuous much of the time, because it's one thing not to say something, but it's another thing when it's buzzing around your brain like a burning hornet all the time and you never speak a word of it. You know once a friend and I were board and for our own amusement starting trying to call how long it would take one of us to seduce girls that we happened to notice in the course of where ever our travels for the day were taking us. I mention this only because there's long before that been another tally in the back of my head that is it’s converse. The one which upon seeing into someone makes the call of how long they'd be likely to last in a relationship with me before they too walk out on me. *sigh*. So yah, I dig insecurities. And I too know right where mine are coming from.
The doubts and the fears and the height of nothingness within yourself has a face and a name and can be overcome. I know it all to well within me. I was always left out and outside because I was home schooled and we moved all the time to finish my fathers PhD. I broke down when we sold our first car because it was something that held familiarity to me and it was one of the only things left. I've spent the bulk of my life on the outside of everything looking in through a glass wall of social differences. All I want really is for someone to accept me for who and what I am without reservation and then help me try to attain new heights for myself. To push me whenever I set a goal for myself, and to do it not because of any cost or benefit they receive from it but because it's what I need. As the song says "this is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is". This is something I've always lacked in a major way. This core to rely upon. I have friends, good ones, but as you know there's some part of things that needs to be filled by a romantic element, that’s what’s lacking and that's the most complicated to find. At least for me it has been. I can feel my relationships coming to an end one by one. Can feel the substance of them slipping away into vapors when it's short on life left in it. And I dread that sensation, see ghosts and jump at shadows where there are none to be found. I'm wonderfully gifted at getting attention when I'm bound to do it. As such I'm also gifted at getting ladies into bed with me if I so desire. And everyone thinks this is reason enough for me to be happy, as if sex is what I'm seeking or all I need. *small sad face* I will admit I enjoy it, perhaps more than most people and I've even used it as a distraction from when everywhere hurts so badly I can't breath. But it's no substitute. I demand a lot out of a relationship, but no more than I willingly put in. I'm not big on symmetry tho, and that's even harder. I make rules for myself and enforce symmetry to make sure I'm not exploiting anyone, however my heart's not always in it.. and in some ways I think that shows. Every woman I've been with, and even some that I haven't dated but just have had some level of involvement with, has eventually gotten to the place where they leave me because they can't stand how easy it is for me to acquire the attentions of other women. I have to point out here that it's not they can't stand how much I use this ability, it’s the fact that it's there at all which Gauls them so. I know because I've tried gutting anything I can think of out of myself and my actions to remove it, repress it, and just not indulge in it. And nothing is ever enough. I have been completely devoted before, so much so that I would do ANYTHING within my power to make this girl happy, no matter what I thought about it or felt about it. And that still wasn't enough, she was still obsessed with how I was ‘this’ or ‘that’ with someone else. It got to the point where I was being told that having profound conversations with members of the female sex was infringing on infidelity. That just broke my heart. Since then I've given up trying to avoid it and now I just hope to find some people who will understand me for it and accept that this is who I am. I have friends that do, but hell even some of my closets friends still struggle with accepting me on this, I feel like it's the same as if I'd "come out" as homosexual... even the ones who still love me act just a little bit 'different' now. It makes me sad. And with how big on truth I am it also makes me crazy, because I don’t want to wear on my sleeve either of the main elements involved in this. My adaptation; that I'm not one for total exclusivity (viewed largely as "oh look he's shallow and just wants sex"). Or the inborn element that I just attract peoples notice and seem to provoke some greater than average sexual interest (viewed mostly as a statement of raw ego and pure unadulterated arrogance). So I don't bring it up... and then I feel disingenuous much of the time, because it's one thing not to say something, but it's another thing when it's buzzing around your brain like a burning hornet all the time and you never speak a word of it. You know once a friend and I were board and for our own amusement starting trying to call how long it would take one of us to seduce girls that we happened to notice in the course of where ever our travels for the day were taking us. I mention this only because there's long before that been another tally in the back of my head that is it’s converse. The one which upon seeing into someone makes the call of how long they'd be likely to last in a relationship with me before they too walk out on me. *sigh*. So yah, I dig insecurities. And I too know right where mine are coming from.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
“...echoing down lawless avenues.”
I’ve always been a big one for trust and honesty, by now I think that nearly anyone reading this will already know that. Which has presented me with ‘a bit of a sticky wicket’ one might say. That being how to develop and build trust and honesty, loyalty and affection, within the context of a world which preys on them so voraciously. While at the same time not opening up myself in turn to be preyed on. Here is my conclusion; allow a time, which varies, to grow to know someone. Allow sufficient time to at least begin to become friends. Then as I say “everybody gets one”. A mulligan, a reset, a clean slate. In other words even for some of the most hurtful things that could be done to me, some of the most egregious moments of miss conduct, I will allow another chance after a clear discussion and being sure I made my point. You see as fundamentally idealistic as I am, I am still a student of war and so I know that to survive you must pick or battles. And sometimes you must retreat to conquer. I just retain faith in this quote “above all things truth beareth away the victory”. I wish more people would practice it. My trip ‘through the looking glass’ in my last post has reminded me that while self assurance and faith are both elements of great power which can be life altering, neither will alter or life for good if flown blind. So my friends the reset button has been tapped, let us hope that it doesn’t come down to that again. Because even idealistic me will only even one free play.
One last thing deserves honorable mention here, I’m feeling better not just on my own but thanks to the help love and support of many friends. Thanks to you all you I feel sure know who you are and I love you each. And anybody trying to pick up new music try VNV Nation on for size, particularly their songs Dark Angel and Kingdom. It’s music that’s proved uplifting and helpful in me seeing my way clear of this thicket I landed in.
until later all,
Sol
One last thing deserves honorable mention here, I’m feeling better not just on my own but thanks to the help love and support of many friends. Thanks to you all you I feel sure know who you are and I love you each. And anybody trying to pick up new music try VNV Nation on for size, particularly their songs Dark Angel and Kingdom. It’s music that’s proved uplifting and helpful in me seeing my way clear of this thicket I landed in.
until later all,
Sol
Thursday, March 31, 2005
A funny thing, or "Never say Never Alice"
You know I wasn't going to post this at all, then I read Franks post and while it's Thursday now this mood of mine is bleed over from the "W" of doom, no not the guy in the white-house (tho he surely is a contender) the day of the week. I really have no heart to get into the details, suffice to say that I've been disrespected, dismissed, and basically betrayed by someone I couldn't quite bring myself to believe would do that. And the harshest part of it all, not even the actions (or lack there of) but the sad fact that she (yea who didn't see that coming) doesn't even get it, can't seem to grasp why I'm upset at all. I guess it's just me who finds it hurtful when someone I love treats my word as meaningless, my principles as a facade, and our agreements with each other as trivial.
I know I know I'm being cynical and self pitying. But hell if I do it here then those who care can read it and any who don't can easily ignore it without harm done. At least I feel a little less alone this way. You know I count myself a fair judge of character, but I never saw this coming.
I know I know I'm being cynical and self pitying. But hell if I do it here then those who care can read it and any who don't can easily ignore it without harm done. At least I feel a little less alone this way. You know I count myself a fair judge of character, but I never saw this coming.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Answers to a couple long time questions, and a thought to boot.
Why do I not miss people or have struggles when someones gone? Why because so much of me is permeated with the sensation of being alone all the time, so having an external to match the internal doesn't make it that much harder to bear. Harder to be sure, but not so much that it can't be dealt with.
What makes/made Zoe so special? In this context for the first time I can explain that question I've been so often asked. And the answer is this, she saw me. Without reason to be able, or even desire to do so often as not, she just saw me. And I was instantly addicted to that. When did things really start to come apart? When her vision of me started to become a 'picture' of me (i.e. who she wanted me to become) and lost it's nature of being 'sight' of me (i.e. just grasping who I was, even with all my flaws). I used to think I'd never have that again. Now I know that I will have it, but it will be a few years for that to come to pass. My younger brother Ender, he could see me with his eyes closed, because far more often than not all he has to do is look in the mirror. The only reason he doesn't "see" me yet, is because there are some things that I'm not willing to place into the world of someone who's still so young. It's a revelation because I once thought only romance (the story book kind that binds love sex and social commitment all together) could catalyze this kind of 'sight'. Now I know differently. But I truly believe that this feeling, of being KNOWN of being SEEN is what everyone is craving in "the one". And they're right in the sense that romance, sex, love, and commitment all foster the possibility of this 'sight'. But they're wrong in thinking that it is "one" or has to be singular or even in any way romantic. And it can be heartbreaking to watch my loved ones go through pain I know all to well when I have the lesson right here to express, and can't seem to find the words that call to be heeded.
What makes/made Zoe so special? In this context for the first time I can explain that question I've been so often asked. And the answer is this, she saw me. Without reason to be able, or even desire to do so often as not, she just saw me. And I was instantly addicted to that. When did things really start to come apart? When her vision of me started to become a 'picture' of me (i.e. who she wanted me to become) and lost it's nature of being 'sight' of me (i.e. just grasping who I was, even with all my flaws). I used to think I'd never have that again. Now I know that I will have it, but it will be a few years for that to come to pass. My younger brother Ender, he could see me with his eyes closed, because far more often than not all he has to do is look in the mirror. The only reason he doesn't "see" me yet, is because there are some things that I'm not willing to place into the world of someone who's still so young. It's a revelation because I once thought only romance (the story book kind that binds love sex and social commitment all together) could catalyze this kind of 'sight'. Now I know differently. But I truly believe that this feeling, of being KNOWN of being SEEN is what everyone is craving in "the one". And they're right in the sense that romance, sex, love, and commitment all foster the possibility of this 'sight'. But they're wrong in thinking that it is "one" or has to be singular or even in any way romantic. And it can be heartbreaking to watch my loved ones go through pain I know all to well when I have the lesson right here to express, and can't seem to find the words that call to be heeded.
A question to consider?
does affection = influence for you? Because it doesn't for me, it makes a lot of sense that it would, and that could indeed explain why so many people believe I don't really care for them. Because for me influence has sparingly little to do with affection. Influence for me is tied to specific areas and is created almost solely based on tried and proven (cred)ability. I guess it could be said simply thus. If "X" is a given action to be taken, then those with influence would effect how I went about it and would be the ones I'd want to do it with. While those with affection would effect weather or not I did it at all, and would be the ones I'd do it for. To be sure the two can coincide. But for me, more often than not, they don't.
My Horoscope for the day, as well a good reminder...
You could decide to let go of something today. Maybe a project you are working on has been frustrating you. Don't be stubborn and suffer in silence! Get help from a partner or a friend. Or pass the work off to someone professional who could help you with it efficiently. You need to be more conscious about how you utilize energy. Sometimes you stick with something just out of pride. There is nothing weak in your character if you give up on something that doesn't work!
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
A rant we can all love (even if it is to hate)
Hey it's me again Hank the Cowdog... no wait, those are just very humorous audio tapes...
so I'm back and I'm talking about one of those great things that is more underated than almost anything else in the world. Honesty
yes that's right folks the often used and rarely adheared to virtue of being a straight shooter. It gets more lip service than the clientell of some Vagus service industries.
I'll open with the words (some of them anyway) from the Depeche Mode song POLICY OF TRUTH.
It’s just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth
. . .
You’ll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth
They collectivly describe the over all attitude that greats the idea of truth. Yes surely these are not the ideas that are said to be supported, but actions speak louder than words.
I will be blunt, I find lies to be purely a sign of weakness just like the fear they are based on. No one who is without fear will lie, and the more fearless the person they fewer their deceptions. I would challange anyone reading this to provide me with a solid example of where a lie shows courage. I will debate the point hotly but if you can show me otherwise (and yes I will really be considering what's said) then I'll change my tune.
Here's my oppinion, if you have weakness of self, if you have doubt in your own person, if you fear that your intent is infeiror to those around you and cannot stand on it's own merits then you will lie. I have seen many lies, all of them are a result of worry or fear of some kind weather valid or invalid. But there is always another option, if you don't for whatever reason feel it right and wise to state what you know you don't have to lie you just have to tell the plain truth, and simply say "I'm not going to answer that". Well there's more, oh so much more that this rant could hold but I'll do it later, the ladies here I believe need attention so I'm going to cut it short.
Please all if you comment on none of the others comment on this one, it's more key than almost anything for yours truely and I want to test it as fully as I'm able. Which of course means help.
Sol
so I'm back and I'm talking about one of those great things that is more underated than almost anything else in the world. Honesty
yes that's right folks the often used and rarely adheared to virtue of being a straight shooter. It gets more lip service than the clientell of some Vagus service industries.
I'll open with the words (some of them anyway) from the Depeche Mode song POLICY OF TRUTH.
It’s just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth
. . .
You’ll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth
They collectivly describe the over all attitude that greats the idea of truth. Yes surely these are not the ideas that are said to be supported, but actions speak louder than words.
I will be blunt, I find lies to be purely a sign of weakness just like the fear they are based on. No one who is without fear will lie, and the more fearless the person they fewer their deceptions. I would challange anyone reading this to provide me with a solid example of where a lie shows courage. I will debate the point hotly but if you can show me otherwise (and yes I will really be considering what's said) then I'll change my tune.
Here's my oppinion, if you have weakness of self, if you have doubt in your own person, if you fear that your intent is infeiror to those around you and cannot stand on it's own merits then you will lie. I have seen many lies, all of them are a result of worry or fear of some kind weather valid or invalid. But there is always another option, if you don't for whatever reason feel it right and wise to state what you know you don't have to lie you just have to tell the plain truth, and simply say "I'm not going to answer that". Well there's more, oh so much more that this rant could hold but I'll do it later, the ladies here I believe need attention so I'm going to cut it short.
Please all if you comment on none of the others comment on this one, it's more key than almost anything for yours truely and I want to test it as fully as I'm able. Which of course means help.
Sol
A patchwork of thoughts
"Take me as I am
I'm not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I'm still learning
How to love again and stop hurting"
it's been playing through my head nonstop for almost 17 hours now, yes I woke up hearing it a few times during the night. And it makes sense really, because that's what my will boils down too at this moment. The sentiment expressed within those words. It's what spurred the creation of this blog (in addition to the insistence of many good friends of mine *grins*) and what keeps me questing for answers. The song is not surprisingly titled Take me as I am. And it's by Tonic. This post is going to jump hither and yon as the subject implies, but I Thought I'd state it directly as well.
I've found my second tattoo, the one which balances the first that I am getting on my left arm... a tribal black rose partly budding for those who I haven't mentioned it too. It's reciprocal is the one I've just discovered and that is a karasu (or crow) who's image is being lifted from an ancient standard of imperial Japan and is, among other things, an honorific to the deities of the sun.
Now an excerpt from a conversation, the question being basically what I thought of love as an idea, force, emotion, what have you.
love I do believe in, and I believe it has value, I believe it to be boundless rather than finite, and like flowers to have many breeds and seasons. It is a growing thing, one which in all is cycling states requires care and which will flourish or die depending on the harmony of it's climate, care, and breed. Even among roses there are many ways to care for a flower, our tragedy in this life seems to be that we've allowed or selves to believe that there is only one.
This next bit is in reaction to a question I’ve had a friend pose to me about my “bullheadedness” and why I won’t back down even in some seemingly trivial situations.
It is my own and only true personal space. I grew up with a large family both extended and immediate and I grew up moving all the time. I had so little that was mine in any way that when we sold our first car I cried and was hollow feeling for days because it was more home to me than any place I had. So rather than continue to be distraught I adapted, I evolved. And I took my personal space within myself. I do not ever evoke or provoke invasions of it by my deigned or intended act. So when someone violates it wantonly I won't let it slide, won't give them one fucking inch because it would put me back there. Despondent, dissolute, disenfranchised. It would, weather in part or whole, take my life away from me. Just like drinking or doing drugs until I have blackouts would. Just like deceptions that feed the holes in my memories would. I won't give up my life for anyone, I'd literally rather die first. So I won't give an inch. There's a quote that says "A hero is a man who's more afraid to run away" that's me. You see if they'd picked any "word" that wasn't already an "issue" and made the same request to test their idea I would have placated them and tried it even tho I knew they were wrong, that's fine with me. What I cannot and will not do is give in when someone's trying to "push" to "make me" ....well fill in the blank really, if someones trying to make me do anything they'd better be able to physically MAKE ME do every step of it for otherwise they will be disappointed. I've always done that, ever since the first time I was to think about the concept back when I was maybe 3 years old. Besides I don't need to laugh at the rules or brake them. Just like I don't need to honor the rules or follow them. What I need to do myself is ignore the rules and show a disregard for them. They are non-definitive of me, not for or against. For me ending the irrational and idiotic confrontation quickly isn't anywhere near as imperative as ending it PERMEANTLY, or at the very least giving enough negative re-enforcement that it won't be directed toward me any longer. I do pick my battles, I just have differing objectives. And my definition of victory especially in an unreasonable confrontation is simply denying they opposition what they want from or of me.
And the next bit here is stolen from a response I was given to one of my little soap boxes on here. I quite like it because it feels good/true, at least it makes me smile. All of which means that I’ve adopted it in some part as well as having had the makings of it in me... right well my babbling is done for the day, I’m off to figure out how to make my living from one of my favorite holidays.
I'm not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I'm still learning
How to love again and stop hurting"
it's been playing through my head nonstop for almost 17 hours now, yes I woke up hearing it a few times during the night. And it makes sense really, because that's what my will boils down too at this moment. The sentiment expressed within those words. It's what spurred the creation of this blog (in addition to the insistence of many good friends of mine *grins*) and what keeps me questing for answers. The song is not surprisingly titled Take me as I am. And it's by Tonic. This post is going to jump hither and yon as the subject implies, but I Thought I'd state it directly as well.
I've found my second tattoo, the one which balances the first that I am getting on my left arm... a tribal black rose partly budding for those who I haven't mentioned it too. It's reciprocal is the one I've just discovered and that is a karasu (or crow) who's image is being lifted from an ancient standard of imperial Japan and is, among other things, an honorific to the deities of the sun.
Now an excerpt from a conversation, the question being basically what I thought of love as an idea, force, emotion, what have you.
love I do believe in, and I believe it has value, I believe it to be boundless rather than finite, and like flowers to have many breeds and seasons. It is a growing thing, one which in all is cycling states requires care and which will flourish or die depending on the harmony of it's climate, care, and breed. Even among roses there are many ways to care for a flower, our tragedy in this life seems to be that we've allowed or selves to believe that there is only one.
This next bit is in reaction to a question I’ve had a friend pose to me about my “bullheadedness” and why I won’t back down even in some seemingly trivial situations.
It is my own and only true personal space. I grew up with a large family both extended and immediate and I grew up moving all the time. I had so little that was mine in any way that when we sold our first car I cried and was hollow feeling for days because it was more home to me than any place I had. So rather than continue to be distraught I adapted, I evolved. And I took my personal space within myself. I do not ever evoke or provoke invasions of it by my deigned or intended act. So when someone violates it wantonly I won't let it slide, won't give them one fucking inch because it would put me back there. Despondent, dissolute, disenfranchised. It would, weather in part or whole, take my life away from me. Just like drinking or doing drugs until I have blackouts would. Just like deceptions that feed the holes in my memories would. I won't give up my life for anyone, I'd literally rather die first. So I won't give an inch. There's a quote that says "A hero is a man who's more afraid to run away" that's me. You see if they'd picked any "word" that wasn't already an "issue" and made the same request to test their idea I would have placated them and tried it even tho I knew they were wrong, that's fine with me. What I cannot and will not do is give in when someone's trying to "push" to "make me" ....well fill in the blank really, if someones trying to make me do anything they'd better be able to physically MAKE ME do every step of it for otherwise they will be disappointed. I've always done that, ever since the first time I was to think about the concept back when I was maybe 3 years old. Besides I don't need to laugh at the rules or brake them. Just like I don't need to honor the rules or follow them. What I need to do myself is ignore the rules and show a disregard for them. They are non-definitive of me, not for or against. For me ending the irrational and idiotic confrontation quickly isn't anywhere near as imperative as ending it PERMEANTLY, or at the very least giving enough negative re-enforcement that it won't be directed toward me any longer. I do pick my battles, I just have differing objectives. And my definition of victory especially in an unreasonable confrontation is simply denying they opposition what they want from or of me.
And the next bit here is stolen from a response I was given to one of my little soap boxes on here. I quite like it because it feels good/true, at least it makes me smile. All of which means that I’ve adopted it in some part as well as having had the makings of it in me... right well my babbling is done for the day, I’m off to figure out how to make my living from one of my favorite holidays.
Quick note
Hey all, just cuz I haven't said as much yet. On the quizes etc. that I've posted, if any of you decide to take them I'd love to get feed back about both your preception of the accuracy of the test as well as your results. Feel free to post comments about it or just toss me an e-mail. Anyway that's it, just mentioning that I'm intrested if anyone's up to sharing.
Sol
P.S. thanks to those who've already done this
Sol
P.S. thanks to those who've already done this
Thursday, March 24, 2005
hey look, a me nutshell!
ok folks this is my playing with personality profiles... enjoy ;)
...um ok so the formating on this is all funky, but after wresteling with the code just getting it all to show up is a bit of a feat, so I'm calling it good as is. Maybe I'll fix it when I know more. In the mean time bear with me, it is what it is and I don't have limitless ablities.
Extroverted (E) 56.76% Introverted (I) 43.24%
Intuitive (N) 62.5% Sensing (S) 37.5%
Feeling (F) 56.41% Thinking (T) 43.59%
Perceiving (P) 61.76% Judging (J) 38.24%
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Enneagram Test Results
The Enneagram is a personality system which divides the entire human personality into nine behavioral tendencies, this is your score on each...
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trait snapshot:
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others
...um ok so the formating on this is all funky, but after wresteling with the code just getting it all to show up is a bit of a feat, so I'm calling it good as is. Maybe I'll fix it when I know more. In the mean time bear with me, it is what it is and I don't have limitless ablities.
Extroverted (E) 56.76% Introverted (I) 43.24%
Intuitive (N) 62.5% Sensing (S) 37.5%
Feeling (F) 56.41% Thinking (T) 43.59%
Perceiving (P) 61.76% Judging (J) 38.24%
| ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population. |
personality tests by similarminds.com
| type | score | type behavior motivation |
| 2 | 21 | I must be helpful and caring to be happy. |
| 6 | 21 | I must be secure and safe to be happy. |
| 7 | 21 | I must be high and entertained to be happy. |
| 9 | 21 | I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy. |
| 3 | 20 | I must be impressive and attractive to be happy. |
Enneagram Test Results
The Enneagram is a personality system which divides the entire human personality into nine behavioral tendencies, this is your score on each...
| Enneagram Test Results
Your variant is sexual |
personality tests by similarminds.com
| Advanced Global Personality Test Results
|
personality tests by similarminds.com
Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
trait snapshot:
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Bright Eyes
This is in response to being asked what I thought of when listening to the Bright Eyes song, Lover I don't have to love.
it reminds me of highschool, it reminds me of the darkest sights of my mind, it fills my sense of the world like water by moonlight fills your senses.
It's the opiate of depression. "bad actors with bad habits" seems like most of the world be especially those people who know better are so within reach of better.
"do you like to hurt than hurt me" there are moments where that could be the motto I used to pick out my dates. It's the connections of the disconnected. The addictive taste of poison. The surrender into that state where only blood and sex feel real. "I need some meaning I can memorize, the kind I have always seems to slip my mind" it's the act of giving in to seeking value only from others, in TAKING value from others like something to be sucked dry and used up. More than that it's the taste of what makes that alluring.
It's the thing I can least allow myself so for some fragment of me it's the thing that's most deeply wanted. "I want a love I don't have to love, I want a girl that's too sad to give a fuck" the freedom of being with someone who's so far gone that even I don't feel compelled to try and save her... it would be liberating, it would allow my darker side to just express it's self without restraint. And that of course is deeply alluring and cloyingly repugnant all at once. My own personal taboo. And there's the next layer of it all which is how much this song seems so true of the fundamental patterns most people live on. It's a sensation like sitting in a room full of people who are drinking after you've given it up. There's a craving deep in the gut no matter what you say to anybody. Both depression and sado-masochism are addictive, physically as well as psychologically addictive. If I don't fight those back at least a handful of times in a month it's been a good month.
The impetus to slip into it (which is not the experience of it) is something you live with once you've been there. As Yoda says "once you start down the dark path forever will it dominate your destiny".
"you write such pretty words, but lifes no storybook. Loves an excuse to get hurt, do you like to hurt? do you? do you? then hurt me..." even in the depths there's still some sort of urge to link, even if there's not enough follow through to truly do it. Just like there's an urge to breath even when the euphoria of drowning has set in, even if it's only water. You see I know something that's never said. Selfishness is despair. And even I have desires which call me to wallow in it. "...I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full..." well I think now perhaps you have an idea of what that song does. It's not every last thing, but whatever is. Ask questions if you wish, there are usually more answers to be had.
it reminds me of highschool, it reminds me of the darkest sights of my mind, it fills my sense of the world like water by moonlight fills your senses.
It's the opiate of depression. "bad actors with bad habits" seems like most of the world be especially those people who know better are so within reach of better.
"do you like to hurt than hurt me" there are moments where that could be the motto I used to pick out my dates. It's the connections of the disconnected. The addictive taste of poison. The surrender into that state where only blood and sex feel real. "I need some meaning I can memorize, the kind I have always seems to slip my mind" it's the act of giving in to seeking value only from others, in TAKING value from others like something to be sucked dry and used up. More than that it's the taste of what makes that alluring.
It's the thing I can least allow myself so for some fragment of me it's the thing that's most deeply wanted. "I want a love I don't have to love, I want a girl that's too sad to give a fuck" the freedom of being with someone who's so far gone that even I don't feel compelled to try and save her... it would be liberating, it would allow my darker side to just express it's self without restraint. And that of course is deeply alluring and cloyingly repugnant all at once. My own personal taboo. And there's the next layer of it all which is how much this song seems so true of the fundamental patterns most people live on. It's a sensation like sitting in a room full of people who are drinking after you've given it up. There's a craving deep in the gut no matter what you say to anybody. Both depression and sado-masochism are addictive, physically as well as psychologically addictive. If I don't fight those back at least a handful of times in a month it's been a good month.
The impetus to slip into it (which is not the experience of it) is something you live with once you've been there. As Yoda says "once you start down the dark path forever will it dominate your destiny".
"you write such pretty words, but lifes no storybook. Loves an excuse to get hurt, do you like to hurt? do you? do you? then hurt me..." even in the depths there's still some sort of urge to link, even if there's not enough follow through to truly do it. Just like there's an urge to breath even when the euphoria of drowning has set in, even if it's only water. You see I know something that's never said. Selfishness is despair. And even I have desires which call me to wallow in it. "...I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full..." well I think now perhaps you have an idea of what that song does. It's not every last thing, but whatever is. Ask questions if you wish, there are usually more answers to be had.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
What do you want to be when you grow up?
I was asked recently who or what I wanted to be or become. This that follows is my answer, or at least my response, as answer imply a full response and this one just covers all the bases, there are depths as yet untouched
who or what do I want to ultimately become?
I want to become me, only fully self-aware, the whole me without apology or fetter.
I want to become enlightened as well as educated (because they're not the same thing and at the higher levels often seem to have grave incompatibilities even though they are both of value). I want to be memorable, and I like that to be for all the right reasons rather than unhappy ones. I want to be great, true greatness that comes from understanding and wisdom, but on the grand scale most people thing of when they say greatness. I want the unwavering ability to empower my friends and loved ones, for that is it's own reward. I want to be loved passionately honestly and unflinchingly for who I am, and I want to live & act worthy of it. I only want to be stumped by one riddle in my life and let that be the final one which sends me on to other things. I want to be aware of truths without the answers blinding me to the mystery of the question. A riddle is a riddle even when solved, and there's importance in remembering that.
I want, simply put, to change the world fundamentally and for the better. And I would really like to live to see it, even if it's only the first few chapters unfolding.
Take Dr. Hannibal Lecter's insight, Alexanders devotion and drive, Riddicks self mastery/awareness, and Supermans purity and nobility of intent. And you will have some idea of the apex I long for.
Yes I aspire for greatness, and grandness too, I would ask you, why aspire for anything less?
who or what do I want to ultimately become?
I want to become me, only fully self-aware, the whole me without apology or fetter.
I want to become enlightened as well as educated (because they're not the same thing and at the higher levels often seem to have grave incompatibilities even though they are both of value). I want to be memorable, and I like that to be for all the right reasons rather than unhappy ones. I want to be great, true greatness that comes from understanding and wisdom, but on the grand scale most people thing of when they say greatness. I want the unwavering ability to empower my friends and loved ones, for that is it's own reward. I want to be loved passionately honestly and unflinchingly for who I am, and I want to live & act worthy of it. I only want to be stumped by one riddle in my life and let that be the final one which sends me on to other things. I want to be aware of truths without the answers blinding me to the mystery of the question. A riddle is a riddle even when solved, and there's importance in remembering that.
I want, simply put, to change the world fundamentally and for the better. And I would really like to live to see it, even if it's only the first few chapters unfolding.
Take Dr. Hannibal Lecter's insight, Alexanders devotion and drive, Riddicks self mastery/awareness, and Supermans purity and nobility of intent. And you will have some idea of the apex I long for.
Yes I aspire for greatness, and grandness too, I would ask you, why aspire for anything less?
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Quiz Blerb
Hello again all, this below is an explnation of that quiz I posted. I believe in providing complete information so that everyone can come to their own conclusions. There for tho this is my blog and these aren't my words, they still get posted. Hope they're useful to someone.
The World's Most
The World's Most
Popular Political Quiz
How the World's Smallest Political Quiz redefined politics, took over the Internet, impressed the experts, and made politics fun for more than 4 million people
After taking the World's Smallest Political Quiz, the famous online test that instantly pinpoints your political ideology, no two people have exactly the same reaction.
Consider Courtney, a self-described "young Republican." She took the Quiz and was surprised by the result. "I [scored] libertarian centrist," she said. "I really think I lean to the right, but apparently some aspect of my social liberalism has centered me. Interesting."
For blogger Jessy, the Quiz confirmed what she already knew. The avowed liberal landed smack-dab in the liberal quadrant and said, "I could not agree more."
Then there's Krzysztof -- nicknamed "Critto" -- from Poland. For him, the Quiz was exciting. "I am a libertarian, after taking the Quiz!" he said enthusiastically. "I love the World's Smallest Political Quiz, for it is cute, small, and very useful."
Cute? Well, OK; let's not argue with a guy named Critto. Small? You bet. It takes less than two minutes to zip through. Useful? Absolutely, if the surge of people taking the Quiz is any proof.
Every day, more than 4,500 people flock to the Web site of the Advocates for Self-Government (www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html) to take the Quiz. That's 187 people an hour, 24 hours a day. In fact, since 1996, when the Advocates started tracking results, more than 4 million people have clicked, moused, and surfed their way to the Quiz.
Why the enormous popularity -- especially when so many other political quizzes clutter up the Internet?
Sharon Harris, president of the Advocates, has a theory. "The Quiz offers a more diverse way of looking at politics," she said. "It gives people a fast, accurate way of determining who agrees with them most."
That "more diverse" insight is the key. Before the Quiz came along, politics was a two-way street. You were either liberal or conservative, and that was that.
Enter David Nolan, an MIT political-science graduate. In 1969, Nolan realized that traditional political definitions didn't make sense. He observed that liberals usually supported personal liberty (they defended free speech), but opposed economic liberty (they liked high taxes and strict regulation of business). Conservatives were the opposite. They supported economic liberty (low taxes and minimal regulations), but opposed personal liberty (they applauded laws against pornography).
So far, so good. But what about people who supported both personal and economic liberty? They didn't fit. Nether did people who opposed both personal and economic liberty.
Nolan finally resolved the paradox. "I began to doodle around with the idea of trying to reduce the political universe to a graphical depiction," he told The Liberator magazine in 1996. "I thought, 'Maybe we can delineate this on some kind of map, using a two-axis graph.' "
That was the breakthrough. Instead of looking at politics as a two-way line, Nolan designed a political chart that went in four directions -- high or low on economic issues, and high or low on personal issues.
Conservatives and liberals fit in this new political spectrum. So did libertarians and statists, who Nolan added to the mix. Libertarians scored high/high on liberty issues; statists scored low/low. Later, centrists were added in the middle -- and the Nolan Chart, a new way of looking at politics, was born.
In 1985, Marshall Fritz, founder of the Advocates for Self-Government, added 10 questions to the chart. He squeezed it all onto a business card-size handout, dubbed it the World's Smallest Political Quiz, and took it to a local print shop.
The rest is history. Over the years, the nonpartisan Advocates distributed 7 million printed copies of the Quiz to help spread the word about libertarianism. In 1995, the Quiz made the jump to cyberspace where it immediately became the Internet's most popular political quiz, with 13,400 Web sites linked to it today.
But is it accurate? After all, the Advocates is a libertarian organization. Did they rig the Quiz so everyone would score libertarian?
No, says an expert. Cynthia Carter, professor of History and Political Science at Florida Community College at Jacksonville, said, "Although this quiz is provided by a Libertarian organization, it does not lead you to answer in any particular way."
That may be why instructors around the USA use the Quiz in their classrooms. If you peeked into classrooms at Harvard University's John F. Kennedy School of Government, Carnegie Mellon University, or Texas A&M University (to name just a few) over the past few years, you'd find find students answering the Quiz's questions.
Even cynical reporters -- always eager to expose a phony -- have been impressed by the Quiz's insight and honesty. For example, the Washington Post reported, "The Quiz has gained respect as a valid measure of a person's political leanings."
But don't let the scholarly recommendations fool you. The Quiz isn't a boring political science project -- it's fun. In fact, that is the one reaction that just about everybody who takes the Quiz does have in common.
Professional astrologer Adze Mixxe said it best. No matter what your political identity is, he told people, "You will get 100 percent enjoyment from the World's Smallest Political Quiz."
And isn't that a political score everyone can agree on?
A little Politics...
Poly meaning "many" and Ticks a bloodsucking parasite.
And the Following is me in a political nutshell... I never knew there was a term for the broad strokes of my P.O.V. learn something every day.. oh and F.Y.I. all of the below information is lifted directly from the website hosting the quiz which I took to get these results.
And the Following is me in a political nutshell... I never knew there was a term for the broad strokes of my P.O.V. learn something every day.. oh and F.Y.I. all of the below information is lifted directly from the website hosting the quiz which I took to get these results.
ACCORDING TO YOUR ANSWERS,
The political description that
fits you best is...
.
LIBERTARIAN
LIBERTARIANS support maximum liberty in both personal and
economic matters. They advocate a much smaller government; one
that is limited to protecting individuals from coercion and violence.
Libertarians tend to embrace individual responsibility, oppose
government bureaucracy and taxes, promote private charity, tolerate
diverse lifestyles, support the free market, and defend civil liberties.
The RED DOT on the Chart shows where you fit on the political map.
Your PERSONAL issues Score is 100%.
Your ECONOMIC issues Score is 70%.
(Please note: Scores falling on the Centrist border are counted as Centrist.)
......................................................................
Other Political Philosophies
Left (Liberal)
Liberals usually embrace freedom of choice in personal matters,
but tend to support significant government control of the economy.
They generally support a government-funded "safety net" to help
the disadvantaged, and advocate strict regulation of business.
Liberals tend to favor environmental regulations, defend civil liberties
and free expression, support government action to promote equality,
and tolerate diverse lifestyles.
Centrist
Centrists espouse a "middle ground" regarding government control
of the economy and personal behavior. Depending on the issue,
they sometimes favor government intervention and sometimes
support individual freedom of choice. Centrists pride themselves on
keeping an open mind, tend to oppose "political extremes," and
emphasize what they describe as "practical" solutions to problems.
Right (Conservative)
Conservatives tend to favor economic freedom, but frequently
support laws to restrict personal behavior that violates "traditional
values." They oppose excessive government control of business, while
endorsing government action to defend morality and the traditional
family structure. Conservatives usually support a strong military,
oppose bureaucracy and high taxes, favor a free-market economy,
and endorse strong law enforcement.
Statist (Big Government)
Statists want government to have a great deal of power over the
economy and individual behavior. They frequently doubt whether
economic liberty and individual freedom are practical options in
today's world. Statists tend to distrust the free market, support
high taxes and centralized planning of the economy, oppose
diverse lifestyles, and question the importance of civil liberties.
......................................................................
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