Reflextions on my teens

At sixteen years old I had it all figured out, I think at that age many of us do. I knew what I career I would peruse, what schooling I would need to succeed. What environment I wanted to live in, how much I’d make and the answers to all of the ‘why’ about all of this. By sixteen years old all these plans were obliterated by meeting the love of my life Sarah. Common enough name for a girl who has always been, to me, earthshaking. She taught me the value of living in the moment without even knowing that she had. She was the inspiration for my social coming of age and the motivation behind my long over due emergence into a world my home schooled upbringing had long kept me a step apart form. By my sixteenth birthday I’d never been kissed, I’d never been drunk, I’d never taken a pill or a powder, I often refused painkillers or antibiotics. I’d never been on a date or had a girlfriend. I didn’t know what terms like ‘flirt’ and ‘tease’ meant when uttered by most people. I wouldn’t have been able to pick someone ‘hitting on’ me out of a crowed for a thousand dollars in cash. I didn’t drink caffeine, I didn’t eat sugar, or meat. I didn’t like to eat anything which the words “deep fried” could describe. I wasn’t aware that what I called fun was ‘exercise’ and considered and obligation by most people. I didn’t know that anyone would try to force somebody else to learn, much less condition them to learn a preset ideology.

By seventeen almost all of this was changed or on it’s way to being. By seventeen I’d been propositioned by the majority of my friends girl friends. Something I’m proud to say I have chosen to turn down putting friendship above temporary gratifications. By seventeen, I’d cheated and been cheated on and discovered that it hurt more to brake faith myself than to have it broken with me. Somewhere in there I was introduced to threesomes first in concept by a friend of mine in a conversation he had in my presence. Then in actuality by an ever changing parade of combinations of friends and acquaintances, most of whom were female. I learned that I could almost freeze to death, turn purple with cold, and feel it less than the sting of seeing the girl I loved with someone else no matter what ‘right’ I had to say so or not. I learned that I could drink more than was healthy and survive a plethora of bad judgment, most of it other peoples but some of it mine as well. I learned that I could exist on almost no water in the heat of a desert summer and that for me there is reason enough to have faith in the face of mother culture. (A phrase I unabashedly steal from Daniel Quinn)

Before I left my teens there were some other lessons I learned. Choice is more important than the present state of things. Truth is sometimes so complex as to be functionally relative. Or as I like to say; reality is collaborative truth is personal. I learned that very few people even consider being as loyal as I am by default. I discovered that deep feeling, pure passion, total sincerity, and the very best of intentions aren’t enough in the face of fear, panic, pain, and jealousy. And I learned that even the most potent loves can be damaged if not wholly shattered by inconsistency. I learned that what people think of as “the one” or their “soulmate” is just someone who will see them for who they really are ugly and pure and accept that even when they don’t agree with it. And that we’ve been lied to twice by our stories, once when we were told the search for that connection had anything to do with romance or sex, and once when we were told that we’d only ever find one, and that if we were lucky.
I learned that everyone deserves, at least once, another chance and that most people will waste it. I learned that “what if” is one of the most popular ways to lie. I learned to my shock that sex isn’t about love, and to my eternal joy that love expressed through sex is one of the most amazing and wonderful experiences that could be hoped for. I learned that my mother was right, the first time will effect you forever, and I was happy that I’d listened to her advice before I made my choices. I learned that regrets are flags for our unfinished business and that living with them is the same as running out on our lives.
I found out that even when the lesson is learned a hard memory doesn’t become a happy one, but the poison does drain out of it over time.
I saw time and again how much more deeply judgmental Jon Q Public is than me, masses or single serving packets.

In the years since high school I’ve picked up a few things too. I’ve gotten better at sex, chit-chat, and coy one liners. I’ve gotten worse at having faith in people or being willing to count on anybody with my safety. I’ve see love conquer all, except self doubt and fear. And I’ve discovered that most people don’t want your help even when they ask for it. I’ve gotten better at asking for help, and worse at admitting when I need it. I’ve become stronger, and weaker. I’ve gotten injured and healed up (almost all the way). I’ve realized that saying what you mean, and meaning what you say doesn’t mean that you’ll be believed or understood and that even being completely literal and direct doesn’t shield you from being miss represented or having someone put their personal baggage before their experiences with you.

I’ve lost hope, and found it again. I’ve been tempted to lie, and relearned out pointless it is. I’ve discovered that compassion, love, confidence, and decency are the only things that seem to give life color and spark. And that panic, fear, and jealousy are all masks worn by one beast and that creature sickens me because it’s in the guts of all the things about this world that turn my stomach and brake my heart. I’ve learned that people would rather be needed than wanted. And would rather make relationships, especially sexual ones, akin to treaties or business deals than to artistic beauty expressed through human intimacy. I’ve learned that “it’s not death if you don’t except it”. And that mortality holds no repugnance for me yet I’ll fight it tooth and nail ever breath I take.

There’s a lot more but this will do for now, I don’t want to lose my clarity or honesty about these things. But I’ll give you just one more, I’ve learned that anyone who thinks “all women” or “all men” is a way to begin any accurate or honest statement is either blind, ignorant, or in denial.

Sol