Unfiltered Metaphor

The real easter spirit

2011-04-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

The lovely folks over at JT Stockroom are holding an ester egg hunt, and I've got to say they have the true spirit of the season (for more on the egg hunt contest head over to http://www.stockroom.com/sale/easter-egg-hunt/ ). You see your current sunday deviled egg and candy fun is sponsored by traditional pre-christian fertility celebrations held in Europe. These festivals were dedicated to the goddess Ester (rough translation) who has been associated with both the rabbit and eggs (classic period symbols of renewal, growth and fertility). So as you celebrate the holiday this season remember, it's about spring, renewal, the coming of life into a new cycle of growth, and of course sex :)
so enjoy your weekend (and each other) and check out the contest link above if you'd like a chance at some free swag to spice things up :)

Cheers,
~Sol

Patriotism

2008-01-19T09:18:00.000-08:00

Those who know me socially would likely find my getting all teary eyed over some archaic letter talking of patriotism about as probable as my joining a University Frat and doing keg-stands in an attempt to impress my female counter-parts "next door". I am not a "joiner" as it were, I don't belong to many things. I don't make the sort of commitments that bind me to a group, affiliation, or location. I find it muddles things, creates crossed loyalties and generally is a distortion of those concepts and aspects that really count. You see I'm a creature of principles and ideals. I believe that being able to live with yourself throughout the whole of your life is of more merit than being able to live your life longer. Belief is a weak word in this case, I breath this, I'd starve for it, it is my life and more because without it everything else I hold dear is at a loss. Knowing this about me perhaps you will further grasp why it is that I am unabashed when I say that the letter below, written as it was many years ago and to someone not myself, brought me to tears. Indeed it has done so more than once for I am grateful to every single soul who's ever drawn even a moments breath that is of this caliber and sentiment. I could spend many posts (and indeed to some measure I have already done so) expounding on what relevance liberty has to me. And this assuredly shall not be the last I mention her ringing name. For now through, let me simply leave you with the words who gave moment to this posting.
Sol

Patrick Henry, March 23, 1775.

No man thinks more highly than I do of the patriotism, as well as abilities, of the very worthy gentlemen who have just addressed the House. But different men often see the same subject in different lights; and, therefore, I hope it will not be thought disrespectful to those gentlemen if, entertaining as I do opinions of a character very opposite to theirs, I shall speak forth my sentiments freely and without reserve. This is no time for ceremony. The questing before the House is one of awful moment to this country. For my own part, I consider it as nothing less than a question of freedom or slavery; and in proportion to the magnitude of the subject ought to be the freedom of the debate. It is only in this way that we can hope to arrive at truth, and fulfill the great responsibility which we hold to God and our country. Should I keep back my opinions at such a time, through fear of giving offense, I should consider myself as guilty of treason towards my country, and of an act of disloyalty toward the Majesty of Heaven, which I revere above all earthly kings.

Mr. President, it is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren till she transforms us into beasts. Is this the part of wise men, engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty? Are we disposed to be of the number of those who, having eyes, see not, and, having ears, hear not, the things which so nearly concern their temporal salvation? For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst, and to provide for it.

I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience. I know of no way of judging of the future but by the past. And judging by the past, I wish to know what there has been in the conduct of the British ministry for the last ten years to justify those hopes with which gentlemen have been pleased to solace themselves and the House. Is it that insidious smile with which our petition has been lately received? Trust it not, sir; it will prove a snare to your feet. Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with those warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation; the last arguments to which kings resort. I ask gentlemen, sir, what means this martial array, if its purpose be not to force us to submission? Can gentlemen assign any other possible motive for it? Has Great Britain any enemy, in this quarter of the world, to call for all this accumulation of navies and armies? No, sir, she has none. They are meant for us: they can be meant for no other. They are sent over to bind and rivet upon us those chains which the British ministry have been so long forging. And what have we to oppose to them? Shall we try argument? Sir, we have been trying that for the last ten years. Have we anything new to offer upon the subject? Nothing. We have held the subject up in every light of which it is capable; but it has been all in vain. Shall we resort to entreaty and humble supplication? What terms shall we find which have not been already exhausted? Let us not, I beseech you, sir, deceive ourselves. Sir, we have done everything that could be done to avert the storm which is now coming on. We have petitioned; we have remonstrated; we have supplicated; we have prostrated ourselves before the throne, and have implored its interposition to arrest the tyrannical hands of the ministry and Parliament. Our petitions have been slighted; our remonstrances have produced additional violence and insult; our supplications have been disregarded; and we have been spurned, with contempt, from the foot of the throne! In vain, after these things, may we indulge the fond hope of peace and reconciliation. There is no longer any room for hope. If we wish to be free-- if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long contending--if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to abandon until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained--we must fight! I repeat it, sir, we must fight! An appeal to arms and to the God of hosts is all that is left us!

They tell us, sir, that we are weak; unable to cope with so formidable an adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be the next week, or the next year? Will it be when we are totally disarmed, and when a British guard shall be stationed in every house? Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot? Sir, we are not weak if we make a proper use of those means which the God of nature hath placed in our power. The millions of people, armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess, are invincible by any force which our enemy can send against us. Besides, sir, we shall not fight our battles alone. There is a just God who presides over the destinies of nations, and who will raise up friends to fight our battles for us. The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave. Besides, sir, we have no election. If we were base enough to desire it, it is now too late to retire from the contest. There is no retreat but in submission and slavery! Our chains are forged! Their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston! The war is inevitable--and let it come! I repeat it, sir, let it come.

It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace-- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

Mr. Henry, Patrick, sir I salute you.

Phantom light, True illumination

2007-11-24T10:51:00.000-08:00

Fluorescent raindrops ride on the wind, ask me if they’ll ever be free again
neon laughter bleeds from their heart and my vision flickers from the rivers source
truth becomes me so mighty well that during times virtue there’re no lies to tell
careful then with what I mean do for we’re all living lives that are true

Serenity walks down a dusty road, where fancy resounds through stories untold
Corvus song through the whispering air gives voice to the riddles I’ve not answered here
Come again dragons with bat-wings of night, framed by the sky alive with moon light
a puzzle awaits us, how does the wood fold? Yet the puzzle of puzzles is from where this one flowed

Half-truths and hear-say their clamor ingrained, try to remind us we ‘ought be restrained’
but wanderlust beckons and throughout where I’ve trod, truth is the only thing real I’ve held.
Truths not a cold one, nor happy, nor sad, it runs through all currents so let us be glad
that it’s really our choice which truths that we have.

Darklight

2007-11-05T05:41:00.000-08:00

A question of inverse hope. Feelings almost like seeking to fall, false hopes calling golden to shards of crisis. Seeking what I believe I should think I want in denial of what I seek. Galling my own thirsts for the sake of ‘acceptable’ or ‘attainable’. Once again the Phoenix embraces the ashes with longing for the coming fire. Again I am reborn in the realization that there’s nothing to lose by risking for to live without the risk of exultation is to live with less than nothing and even oblivion calls sweet clamoring when this becomes our case. To be hones in the face of desire and unflinching is a rare quality. I claim more of it and yet can choke on apprehension falling short of honest clarity. Compromise is not a grail but a degradement. Who so ever loves us will wish us well and our hungers come to be, and who so ever does not is unworthy of regard. Enlightened Self-interest; described by my hands as the search for those who shall accomplish my goals through finding their own soft and savage joys.
Seduction is after all the art of allowing someone to see how accomplishing your goals accomplishes their own, and you can be seductive about so much more than sex or romance.
Though there is something sensual in the practice of the art of seduction, the intimacy implicit in sharing personal exultation with another. Unfolding like the shadows of flame saturating the night, freedom is the only choice for it seeds all others and the choice to be less than, or un-free is a null of the choice it’s self and so choice is used to block choice and thus comes to naught. Like seeds planted and caused to rot the actions take place with the shadow consciousness draped over them like a rotting fog.
The whispered grace of night used to stifle, the glittering clarity of day used to blind.
When we feel something, when we know a truth or experience a catalytic questioning why is natural and good but should not be a hold on our choices to act. For even if we are rash in such actions they will show us now to be less so in future. Where if we chouse to avoid them all together we are burdened by their unaddressed presence from that point onward, like leaving an unwelcome guest waiting in another room of our house, we may not see or hear them but we still know they’re there and that presence changes things until we change (rather than merely ignore or avoid) that presence.
There is no price to pay too high for freedom, for what we pay if we surrender it is the virtue and eventually substance of every other thing we touch.

A statement I’m sure I will revisit many times.
Sol

The Silence of Fear

2007-07-17T03:34:00.000-07:00

The Silence of Fear

Fear is just a sense of awareness that somethings not right

so of course I'm afraid, so of course I fight

striving, to live every moment without it

It is not that I hate the messenger,

fear it's self,

indeed I am grateful for these repeated and timely warnings of mindfulness

like it's cousin Pain I honor fear for the truth spoken, but I do not want to live beneath those words.

Pain may murmur sweet syllables, so long as they are small,

but fear and I agree,

its most beautiful moments

are silent.

My heart, in Spades

2007-07-17T02:04:00.000-07:00

My heart, in Spades

Aches of unspent never worlds resonate through the buzzing composed of words and thoughts that sound to me like the panting breath of Bukowski's Tiger, echoes back smiles to sobs of all my unspent tears minted in some lost currency

Reflective, only the night is my mirror for I can pretend it's empty as I pretend to be full

hearing Jung speak in tongues of shadows and knowing where finally I've hidden truth in the petals of a Rose

face so beautiful it hurts and my clinched fists bleed down her thorns letting my veins cry for me

I speak to strangers hoping to never know them well enough for deception all the while seeking intimacy

Pangs of longing masquerades loss beneath the fissures of my hops untempered.

The words are my air, to die is to live as I reach for everything I've ever cared about, la petite mort a little taste of death to inoculate me against complacency the vulnerability of truth my balm to savvy self-fulfilling cynicism

caught off guard by my own passionate paradox

refusing to die without truly having lived, refusing to live only for a time to die

love is honesty with another person in mind

and my heart bursts with it

If only I could find the words...

Omertà

2007-07-16T05:03:00.001-07:00

Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward.
Whoever cannot take care of them self without that law is both.
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant,
'If I live, I will kill you. If I die, You are forgiven.'
Such is the rule of honor.

A few words from Ikkyu Sojun

2007-06-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

I Hate Incense

A master’s handiwork cannot be measured

But still priests wag their tongues explaining the “Way” and babbling about “Zen.”

This old monk has never cared for false piety

And my nose wrinkles at the dark smell of incense before the Buddha.

A Meal of Fresh Octopus

Lots of arms, just like Kannon the Goddess;

Sacrificed for me, garnished with citron, I revere it so!

The taste of the sea, just divine!

Sorry, Buddha, this is another precept I just cannot keep.

From Wild Ways: Zen Poems of Ikkyu

Ikkyu (1394-1481) Master of Red Thread Zen, one of the most significant figures of Zen history , Abbot of Daitofuji temple in his later years. Ikkyu wrote a poem after his first realisation experience: From the world of passions returning to the world of passions: There is a moments pause. If it rains, let it rain; if the wind blows, let it blow His words are now sacred scripture ,Known as a Heretic and a Saint as well as the point origin of Red Thread Zen, He share's much with the Venerable Yogini (female yogi) Tse Yogal on many levels within Buddhism This approach was closely related to Tantric Buddhism. He is as well a folk hero of Japanese children even yet in our time! Oh I forgot to mention a small fact........... his Father was Emperor of Japan.

I ask what is the Red Thread that ties all the Buddha's, ourselves and life together????

I came across this on Ancient Worlds so credit goes to the origonal poster, but even tho' it is not my practice here to re-publish things I think the words of the Zen priest Ikkyu Sojun are a sound exception to this trend.

http://www.ancientworlds.net/aw/Post/243250

-Sol

Cross'ed Wires

2007-04-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

Hellraiser Halliburton electricity, budding like Barium fission to burn you deep internally
I’ve grown up wicked by no standard but by most blind decrees that’s were I’ve wound up
I’m a scavenger of Loki turnin’ tricks in my web, convincing all listeners something different’s been said
like “corporation” and “prostitution” aren’t synonyms here or “Yahweh” doesn’t translate to “repression and fear”

They teach us shame to lube the guilt we use to puncture our selves
and you best thank ‘em so they “can” help you fuse with somebody else
You know our wilde eye pixel profits just tell us what’s true, “if you don’t keep buying in there’s something wrong with you”

liquid-crystal cackle crackle from every screen, you’re a criminal for askin’ what Big Brother means
no questions asked like “how the fuck can you patent our genes?”
Or how’s it mercy when you turn up the volume of more “foreign” screams?

Whitewashed working class consumes fever dreams as Skulls Illuminate dark destines within oval wings
Three-hundred twenty two manifestations of plutocracy dreams
will tell you why hearts are frozen, dead in Necromonger puppets who glut on pursuit of things

burn the backdrop of our beauty an’ poisen our breath, killing cope-aesthetic consciousness now [we’re] reminders bereft
I’ve got my rings and shallow things like diamonds of blood, seems clear understanding don’t cut glass like it should
and in this plexi-iron cage of irrational suffocation will occur if we don’t open a window somehow

but when I spit what I see somebody always comes back, with this smirk while they lurk in the shadows in back like “if you’re fueled and you’re ragin’ at what you’ve exposed, then why you waitin’ why don’t you take a shot and just fucking explode?”
‘Cuz a bomb may cause a storm or even sink an edifice, but twin towers are just tools used to rape your psychology, and it’s the body not the building that’s a target for me
that’s why I’m a cancer not a bomber, so I’ll ‘silently’ grow
so when I feel ‘em there’ll be no tillin’ from which way came the blow

Catchers Mit, Inside Out

2007-03-28T12:36:00.000-07:00

Fate of days keeps slipping, blood washed
Through my hands

I got all I need and nothing that I want
my hopes unspent Litchs that I flaunt
haunted phylacteries
of the
tear white
and gaunt
I'm laughing now cuz' it's hungers seed
and even when I'm stuffed
to burning, hunger's what I need
Pink-0 bastard tears by Yin Yang eyes
habits of fear make even truth lie

Jump up and hope.. that you miss the ground.. on the way back down
glancin' at edges like the answer's behind 'em

gonna bathe in bleach so I can change my skin,
redesigned like the cameleon
turf my toes on doesn't matter cuz the air's on brake again

Pale blue's the brightest hue that there's ever been
I'm necromancer white reflecting all the light
keeps the abyss wrapped and tight
but my colors are bleedin' gray
"gray's a shade not a color"
well then I guess that I'm a shade, I'll give off star shine shadows

....and people ask me why I'm always hungry

A Man - Alanis Morissette

2007-03-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

Felt like this too often
~Sol

I am a man as a man I've been told
Bacon is brought to the house in this mold
Born of your bellies I yearn for the cord
Years I have groveled repentance ignored

And I have been blamed
And I have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended

I am man who has grown from a son
Been crucified by enraged women
I am son who was raised by such men
I'm often reminded of the fools I'm among

And I have been shamed
And I have relented
I'm working my way toward our union mended
And I have been shamed
And I have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended

we don't fare well with endless reprimands
we don't do well with a life served as a sentence
this won't work well if you're hell bent on your offence
I am a man who understands your resistance

I am a man who still does what he can
to dispel our archaic reputation
I am a man who has heard all he can
cuz I don't fare well with endless punishment

Cuz I have been blamed and I have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended
And we have been blamed and we have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended

"patriot" act

2007-03-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

I believe that in this upcoming election as well as in current political action there is a vital issue which is being generally under addressed. That is the vitality of huge reductions to and revisions in powers to overturn privacy rights that were granted in the wake of the so called "patriot" act.
Our justice system was created to uphold Innocent until proven guilty. Now the higher levels of the Justice Dept. and the FBI (as well as other agencies) are violating the rights of citizens without notice or accountability, without even the suspicion of their own personal guilt. With no more than the assumption of the possibility that citizens might have knowingly or unknowingly associated with someone who has or plans to commit a crime. These actions are excesses and the excessive powers granted by the "patriot" act are to blame. "We do not trust government always to be run by angels, especially not this administration," said Rep. Jerrold Nadler D-N.Y. and he is very correct. The use of terror as a tactic is designed to destroy a way of living, and if we allow the legislative powers that provoke, bolster, and sustain this continued violation of our civic sovereign rights then the true weapons employed on September 11th will have been a success.

Spread the word,
~Sol

Opals Of Night

2007-02-16T15:23:00.000-08:00

I waken dreaming of roses in a cool blue gray world which sooths and calms, a land of echoes where life is a memory and vitality the story all around me. Soft stone and air so cool it glows. Lope-padding through water carved stone galleries whose grand resonance at my foot falls reverberates solely within me rippling in the same liquid satin fashion as a black hole.
Somewhere within me I know something awakes and there are dreams of hopes to come that cool my pain and ease my smile. Even as to many they would taste anathema.
Home, where I wander wither I will within and beyond worlds in that space in between where all lights dim, all shadows flair and all incarnations of creation collide shedding soft liquid sparks like the exhalation sigh of lips from Rose petals.

Riddle Me This

2007-02-05T11:47:00.000-08:00

what do you call someone who comes into your house with a gun and separates you from your family? What would you do if a stranger entered your life with no respect or honesty and uses the threat of force to take your siblings, your baby sister away from you even though they've never been done any harm by anyone of your blood.
What would you do? what would you call this type of person?
who do you think this is?
I'm asking honestly, I want a response from anyone who reads this, message me or send a comment whatever I don't care, I simply what to hear from everyone what type of a person it is who would do this sort of thing to someone they don't even know.

Gray

For a hint look at the picture....

Raven Song

2007-01-30T23:56:00.000-08:00

Death is before me today:
like the recovery of a sick man,
like going forth into a garden after sickness.

Death is before me today:
like the odor of myrrh,
like sitting under a sail in a good wind.

Death is before me today:
like the course of a stream
like the return of a man from the war-galley to his house.

Death is before me today:
like the home that a man longs to see,
after years spent as a captive.

~That forgotten poet~

Crime Think

2007-01-21T04:11:00.000-08:00

CrimethInc. Ex-Workers' Collective

Just go there, try reading any of their free information or order a few stickers to use. It's one of the more worthwhile things out there in the world right now.

~Sol

"Expectations Essay" (Just because....)

2007-01-15T20:59:00.000-08:00

alright so this is one of those silly essays from collage that often don't do much in the way of anything... however I was unusually forthcoming on this one so I figured why not I'll just post it here and it'll be somewhat interesting for what it's worth *grins*

peace all

Sol

Expectations Essay

My expectations for time spent at the University are to develop my abilities in studying and research. Also to expand my knowledge base on the whole and to develop more detailed and specific knowledge and skills in my chosen areas of study. Those areas are Sociology, Psychology, Philosophy, Political Science, and Software Technology. The goal of these areas being combined in my study is to create new methods of learning and study so that everyone will be more able to learn than they are currently equipped to do by the time they finish most High School and/or Collage curricular systems. Further I seek to design an informational systems analysis system to map the broad trends of human cultural, political, and economic behavior such that (much like is currently done with the weather) the probabilities of given events based on current (or theoretical) policies could be determined with greater accuracy.
Additionally I wish to program advances in cryptography and personal privacy suites that is based on a “smart” design so as to enhance the integrity of personally privacy in the face of all current and continuing violations by both corporate and governmental institutions who have in each case blithely disregarded the fundamentals of the constitution for the sake of convince in perpetuating their personal agendas. I hope to make sufficient money doing this research and development work such that I am able to acquire land of my own and build an ecologically sound and sustainable living environment for myself and what could in brief be termed my family. To these ends I seek to develop my own ability to think clearly, analytically, and (most importantly) creatively. To enhance my own knowledge base and to expand my network of like minded persons so that I have a larger peer group within which to frame questions as to my current methods and to co-operate with on the development and implementation of new means to remove the current repugnant social trends towards materialism and homogeny. And to afford myself the opportunity to associate with a larger number of persons who possess the intellectual insight and personal integrity to make their choices based on their own sight and paradigm without distortion from the current popularity of given fashions be those guised in political, economic, medical, chemical, social, or theological garb. As a more immediate step I am taking courses with the intent to enter grad school and possibly to transfer to the University of Calgary in Canada due to their internationally pre-eminent computer development and research department and also due to their focus on interdisciplinary studies which are integral to the types of learning I currently seek. The degrees that I seek eventually are a PhD is Psychology with specializations in Forensics and Behavioral Finance. Both of these are areas that deal with the motives for given actions and developing profiles of behavior both as it pertains to group trends and to individual persons so as to predict probable future actions. And a degree in computer programing and development. This is so that I am able to provide the software support and computer applications side of my new learning and behavioral analysis systems. To summarize my focus in my time as an undergraduate are to learn how people learn and what are effective ways to study and also to learn how people operate in groups and individually as well as the programming skills to describe this knowledge in a digital paradigm.

Roses

2007-01-10T16:05:00.000-08:00

"You darling are a true gentleman, you know how to treat a lady, so it seems. People say diamonds are the way to a woman's heart but that is entirely incorrect.
BUt yet I am still to wonder why a rose represents love if a rose dies."

And my response:

all things die, or so they say, but I rose will last for years and years. If you take a rose even cut and open the end to place it in water, floating there in the solution that was likely life for us all sometime way back. The Rose will grow small roots allowing you to, if you so wish, move it into soil and keep it watered and sheltered. After that you may move it yet again to the out of doors where it will flourish and grow into a bush of it's own producing many roses and even tho' the buds may wax and wain there are always more to come from the bush that is the core of the rose and there are always seeds for another day from each bud that's danced it's waltz and come to rest.
To me when the rose is looked at as a whole, to show life rather than as a token only. It is then as you see it's roots and it's seeds, it's leaves and thorns all along with the 'jewel' of it's buds and blooms, that is when our roses truly become a symbol of love. For they remind us that love will change but if we care for it love will also grow and endure even if during it's time it will wax and wain through many cycles just as does the rose with it's blooms throughout it's rather long life.

There is another way to look at this just as apt, even if beauty fades, even if love or ourselves may die there is still joy to be found. The petals of a rose inspire something in the heart, the beauty strikes a chord and for a time the heart is lifted by these wings of joy. Perhaps it is sad when these wings have flown themselves till exhausted and must have new inspiration to fly again, yet even so once our hearts were exulted to the sky. The exultation does not have to be immortal to be real, or to be savored. And there is then the chance to seek it anew.

Together these show the rose, as love, to be both fleeting and eternal, for having seen a rose is not that image left on your minds eye ever after? Have you ever forgotten roses where since you learned of them?
The rose is at once both transient as it's smallest petal and lasting as it's largest root. So too is love, we must simply remember that love, like the rose, is alive and needs care or like the rose it will wither and die if starved of sustenance.

It's how I strive to treat both romance and friendship, for in the end they are not so truly different than one breed of rose is to another.

Regards,
Sol

A glass raised to Max and Orsen, if only we'd heeded you.

2006-09-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the spelling all, but I hope you enjoy the content

~Sol~

Are we living in an Iron Cage?

Long before I heard of Weber and his theories I grew up with this frightful visage looming over the prospect of coming history. What I did not understand was that my isnulated alternitive life had shelided me from what had already taken place within much of the world and that which was still marching steadily forward.
From McDonleds in Costa Rica to T.G.I. Friday's in Prauge the homonginzation of world culture continues. And it's stripping us of our basic humanty. Humans learn and grow primarly when they encounter something new, and our multinational corprate bearucries have been systimaticly rememoving all need for truely new experiences whever they find it. Consider, if you are able to go to the same restraunt and order the same thing in the same language on both sides of the ocaen and three continents without 'breaking a sweat' what kind of new oppertunites for learning does that provide? But it doesn't stop there, what happens to the 'consumer' (even the term it's self is an unfortunte capital/corprate margenlization) in the form of monochromatic experience and mediocir (at best) products. That is secondary to the effects on the working force. Those people who make whatever deep-fat-fried proten slab or plastic widget. They are treated increasingly as less valuable and more universally replaceable than even their product. Imagen for a moment that not only can anyone walking down the street in your country take your job but most people walking down the streets of some other contintent could do so as well. How deeply does it strip your cultural identiy when one of your primary rolls negates your sense of personal value, or indeed of the concept of you being a unique person. The degradation further continues as unions are destroyed or undercut in the multinational globelization within which we live and as oversight continues to mount. And there's the real rub, these beaurcratic National governing bodies, NGOs, and IGOs all have analysts who can (and do) tell them the truth... that people are not going to find this unnatural method of living conducive to happyness and thus are likely to object. Hence you see levels of military preeption abrod by our current Pax Amarican regime but much more subtily you see the national and internation oversight growing in areas such as civil liberties and econmics. Welfair is down, medical benifits are down, social security is failing, and fewer jobs offer any retirement and of those that do fewer offer one which is investment compensated for inflation to ensure a "living wage" after you leave the work force. We can (ironicly) turn to China for an example extream example of how this system is playing out. With a few elites benifiting deeply from the work of the masses and the specilists in key fields being romanced into colaberation by privlages and sweetheart deals. It is enough to make Marx and Engles spin in their graves. And then there's the oversight, the camras at every intersection in the U.K. and most cities with in the U.S.A. are just a couple of examples. The insertion of GPS into almost every cutting edge portable device (including cars in the case of OnStar) the surrender of Personal phone records for investigation without the justifications of charges or warrents. They also unwarrented (both in legal documents and in social justice) wire taps conducted by the present U.S. admisinstration. The FBI's "raptor" program which allows them to steal any prsonal e-mail (or other digital media transmitted via the world wide web) without warrent or comment. These are but examples of how the Panopticon is alive and well, as well as being a stark validation to the visions of people like George Orwell (1984) and Lois Lowry (The Giver) or perahps the more contemperary cenmia compostion Equlibreum (written and directed by Kurt Wimmer). To return to the point we must ask the qustion "why?", why is it that these massive buarcies invest so much in overwhelmingly massive oversight and intervention? Because they understand that from the frycook to the journist, from the cubicle to the campus, people would quickly manifest divergent (or as the burrcrats like to call them "devient") behvior patters if they were not in a consistant (perhaps even constant) state of apprenhenction over weather they are being watched and what reprisals this might bring. And make no mistake, when we live in a time where econmoic buracratic tycoons [George W. Bush, Dick Chaney for but two more prominten American examples] direct goverment buracrocy to arrest and detain forgen citizens for the precived intention of commiting a "crime" (not act for any sort which they admit, but intention) of comitting a crime (not a crime that is currently on any of our criminal or civil books, but excutivly decreed as a crime [See the C-Span Q&A regarding the Military tribunal legislation broadcast on 9/7/06]) and where the CIA holds people in undisclosed location engaging in unspecified "coersion" for unspecified lenghts of time [stie same C-Span broadcast as above]. A world in which Passports are "bugged" with tracking devices and National ID cards are on the horizon. A world where minute microchips are set in clothing, credit cards, and IDs for the sake of collecting market data without bother to ask any of the people for their oppinnions. In this world that fear of oversight and buracratic retaliation is a well founded one. In such a world George Orwell would say "caution becomes habbit and habbit becomes reflex and reflex becomes a way of life" and our current Phychologists and Nurobiologists would agree. In such a world as this I would say not only has Webers view of an Iron Cage come to pass, but the Bars are electrified.

Chaos Dreams

2006-05-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

from all things was chaos born before all things were made, and too all things is chaos owed for by all things is Chaos payed

What I've been up too, why I don't write so much anymore...

2006-05-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

New armor Aprox $600; Nehantoe Apprentice Katana FREE it's a birthday present, Master work Katana $2000; Reading both translations of the Bushido, free here too, I have them both already; Saving for collage Tuition and fees/books $2500 per smester +plus books and fees, Drivers Ed Class $150, I have three friends Aaron, Tess, and Meg who are here for a littlewhile this summer, and most of them are of the "when I shall see thee next I know not". The price for the Armor is the price of flying out to have it fitted so that's another bit of a slice. Pratice time when I can get it too prepare for War, I expect to fight every battle this year at Pennsic. And I demand of myself a dedication to surviving all of my comrades. I won't be the last to fall, if I allow myself to fall at all. I play deeply with chaos magic these days, and hardly do words fit it. The unity of Zen the fusion of Wisdom and intillect, of inisght and inquest. Both burn strong. I am getting a new Laptop to last me through all of school, it will be about $4000 and some change. But I won't have to pass it off or press it up to new standards while I'm in school so that's a grave help to me. I am also reading Tom Robbins Novels as well as Saul Williems (soon). And I have started a regime of the 5 Tibitens and of yoga. My Jobs are mostly only two (the thirds is a "it could happen" thing were I pick up hours sometimes) Working for my father digging and re-envinting life in the back yard, and two calling on the phones to make survey calls.
I work to develop and RPG amoung my friends and I, and to have it published. Sometimes I put in a scrap or two more for my colleced work of poems. And I have a novel to complete, I am still working on the races desipostion and development for/within it. I'm doing that with my brother. I grow more of fire by the day at what I see around me, this program for a "fedreal licence" with a tracker chip in it is one such thing. I will not live in world that Orewell saw, burn them I won't. I've gotten two new Shini and am going to start praticing once more in full. I have three pratice knives, still without edge or point, and use those as well. I owe my brother $175 from last Pennsic, and I still owe my Uncle $3000 tho he would say it is less :P
that's the long and the sort of it, I've done the ACT and plan to be tested for Dyslexia as well as other behavioral conditions that may grant me an edge in school environments.
And now here, the Hour grows late and I must go.

All of the best to thee,
Sol

V

2006-03-19T01:08:00.000-08:00

He's my kind of guy

A whole new world, this same place I've always been.

2006-03-06T12:42:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had your mind blown? I just did, it’s... well mind-blowing.
I literally do not know what I’m doing or where I heading, but I can’t say I have no idea. It’s an interesting combination. So many of you who read this have been asking me “what was it like” in reference to my trips around the world... well at least to three or so new countries. And this is it, I have been shaken down like a brand new jet fighter on a test run. All parts checked and tested, stress limits pushed and thresholds crossed as well as established. I was aware starting out that I would not be able to imagine what was to come, but I’ll say it anyway, I didn’t have any idea this was what would happen. I’m not the same person any more, but I wouldn’t say I’m not me. Things have changed. I’m more literal and more truthful, more forceful and more reserved. More grounded and less bleak but more saddened and more wistful as well. I miss so much and so many people who’ve been important parts of my life. But I wouldn’t turn the clock back for anything and I do not regret this path I’ve taken. Just last night I was walking out the door of my room with a friend who commented on the wallpaper I’ve got up on my computer, saying how the girl I was with is hot. I didn’t argue, I think she is too, not that that’s why I love her but who says love has to be blind? This started a rustling through old photos for me where in I saw faces and places who’s likeness I have not beheld in an age. This age in fact, this new one of my life. It’s changed me to see what I’ve seen and the color pallets of the sights I now see have shifted subtly. I have been saying for years that I don’t miss people, or places for that matter, that I’m too used to it to miss anyone anymore. This is not true, what’s really true is that I’m so used to missing people and places and things in most present moments of my life that it’s hard to notice sometimes until I focus on someone specficly. Most of the people I know the missing someone it’s self is enough to draw their focus too it, but not for me, thus my miss perception. I cannot help but feel smaller now than I ever was before. Our nation is so much smaller than I had any concept of, and yet it’s huge compared to how I used to view it. Does any of that make sense? The tops been blown off this world of mine and everything’s expanding on both fields as it’s want to do when you don’t limit the exponents of change. I long for Europe more truly that I’d expected too. I love it’s culture and it’s history and it’s buildings and it’s sensibility. And still I am relieved to be home, yes that’s right, tho it costs me something to admit I am relived to be home. Back where things make sense, even the things I can’t stand, a return to what I am accustomed (consider the word custom) too. This world is more complex that I had any idea, and here now with so much more idea than I’ve ever had before in this life I still must say that my most sure realization is that I simply do not understand the implications magnitude and complexities of what we so blithely call “life” in the modern age. It’s well there’s just more too it than I can grasp right now. And what’s more with my new found humbleness of perspective I still must say that while there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of people who understand this all much better than myself I still wouldn’t hesitate to believe that I’m in the top twenty percent or better as far as that goes. Which is both heartening and frightening.
I have friends whom I wish to approach about this, about well life, all of it, that I just want to sit down and share with. But I must confess I do not know how to begin. I don’t even have a phrase in my head to start describing what this feels like, not for a conversation. I suppose that I’m not doing so bad with writing this, but even with all it’s truth I’m sure you can see how mixed up and unfocused it is in some places. I want... so much more, and this is not just greater, though some of it is alterations I have sought, this is as simple as more. There’s more to life and I don’t dismiss this now as useless or sub-par and at the same time if what I was to see were the same as this I would feel cheated, this is what I’ve always been this is what I know there’s more to be had and it’s something else. That’s always the drive and I’ve always had it but stopping anywhere is what I wouldn’t be satisfied with, this stolid settling as of sediments distilling from a stream. I’d rather be the water even tho it doesn’t neccarily know where it’s headed. But who knows it might, and who knows even I might. I’ve know more than I thought I did before, and more that once at that. It is not that I do not desire that sense of safety brought on by plotting history to come before it has form of it’s own. Not that I don’t desire to hear “I’ll always be here” or to safely sit in my own house with my own furniture and feel that this is here forever for me, solid. But there’s not so much truth in that, even in the most stable and solid lives that will vanish on a hairbreadth of chance or in a heartbeats time and I have no illusions about that. I’m also used to this idea. So while I still desire that ultiment safety, it does not rule the house of my happiness nor my enjoyment and so we move forward. Happy, joyful, and somewhat apprhencive about what would be the world to come. Somewhere there’s a me who knows and who is supreamly sure of our course, somewhere inside me there’s a place where everyone who’s had something unsaid and unfulfilled, suppressed or unexpressed with me or near me, where there’s a face for them and where there’s a memory, some of these will be free, some resolved and some are perhaps too far past. But there are already shadows enough of the wistful kind in our sense don’t you agree? Why not strive for a life that beyond being full, free of regrets, and holding some meaning, is also whole. One which you simply are who you are and even when you don’t know how to be you use this as a chance to learn, not avoid it for fear of the repercussions.
There’s just so much to be done, don’t stop walking

Sol

2006-01-21T03:29:00.000-08:00

I have had trouble writing of late, it's that I said to myself this was going to be prose not poetry. An odd commitment it may seem but if you knew my life well, and well most of you do, they you'd understand (and or do). Lately I've been stuck in rymes, and not always very good ones. it's lke the rythem of my writing has gotten stuck on "iambic pentampiter rippoff" mode or something. Just too much of it, almsot contrived but hard to get away from. Like when you play those ryme word games and then for days afterwords always think in your head of rymes for what people are saying. Sometimes lately I feel like I should be listening to "take it easy" as my constant theme song. I guess it's better than "desprado" however. Not as a song but as a theme. Either one would drive my sister crazy, or my brother too. They can't take much of the Egels.
Have you ever thought about death? No I mean really sat down and just thought about it. How little we know? how much it effects us? how it's tied into everything for our lives, or at least some of our lives. how it's the new cardnle sin and rarely examined by those who think so, and rarely emotionally confronted by those who don't. Why am I generlizing two camps? why for my own means of course as always with descriptors, they are highlts and foils to my own forecast. I dont' know what I think of death but even I think of it often, and even is said because... well it just is. It's like this box that was sitting in my room for who knows how long and both my brother and I stared at it who knows how many times until he said "a box" and then it hit me that it WAS a box, not just background "noise". Death is like that, it's background noise, but we can still trip on the box, and I don't mean die.
My dad's got a point, about many things. But I don't tell him that, because he's too wrapped up in what he's done right to work on the rest of it, like being emotionall avalible to anyone. I suppose I should be thankful, it's killed any risk of what I might have fallen into in that, I know better than to close off, and I know that in romance effection is as required as water is to plants. So thanks pappa bear, for the goods and the bads, and for the lessons even if lots of them were "and this is what you should not do..." object style in the end. Thanks, but I bet you'll never read this.
Someone said that the best form of art, the trust, is the life well lived. Well living isn't drawing breath, and it's not going to be found in a medical text book let alone art being found in one. So how do I live well? how to I follow my dreams without being a leaden weight on someone? how do I do what I love without starving or compromising? answer, just do it. Now I consider myself ot be a brave person. but this has got me intimidated. How to just do it, but do it right. There's a question, and does it have the same answer? I don't know yet, it seems like somewhere I do, but if so that part of me isn't sharing just yet or I'm just not looking right.

Kisses are like Rain, they can drown you or ease your pain.

I still kiss both my sisters and half the time my parents, who says every kiss has to be sexual to be loving? Pity we've but that price tag on both love and senuality that they have to be about possesion and about eachother. I mean sure they are often about eachother and even fit very well togather, but why make it a must when we do it's something squashed and more forced and "forceful" if you know what I mean.
There are plenty of people who I just want to love or would just love to hold, I simply want to be supportive and I am a physical person. I won't bother with the sex descriptors they've already been done here in this blog so just back read. But it's sad to me that someone has to make their choice about who they hug or who they can sit against on a couch or who's lap it's ok to fall to sleep in or who's safe to nap with. Not based on trust or effection, admiration or esteem, but weather or not they want to considering getting into euphmistic bed with that person.
Doesn't make any kind of rational sense, or intitive either for that matter. But there you are that's our socity in a nut shell. Not rational nor intutiviely sound.
ah but let us skip that rant for tonight, I'm sure you will have the time for me to go down it many more times.
Late nights, I don't spend enough time with people yet I spend altogather too much time on them. I should change that, there are lots of things I should change. But if I found a way to just be myself in every day that would be the best. I need to find this, the way, and perhaps share it too. There are so many days I wake up with the whole world swirling within my sight and it just doesn't resolve quite before the cobwebs of day decent on the mucurial pool of nights dreams. I wish to live a little dream as the poet says. One of these days I won't see it slipping away and I will have the answers, my answers at least. Until then I will just search and grow. What else is there to do? and isn't life pretty good with this as the days of it? Well anyway I don't have any room to complain, not purely on my own behalf. Sometimes though, sometimes even in peace I wish to end things as they stand... it just seems safer somehow, saner than what we'd become otherwse. But here's the choice, on this roll of the dice. Choice to find a way to do both, to find out and to shift out without simply building a blow out.
hum... was that a decent way to build a sentence? oh well, win some, lose some.
So show of hands? who wants to use the tarmac of the George W. Bush memorial airport to dry meat and fruits for winter? or who thinks they can promise solid assurances of a future for my childern, our chilern, or the childern or my borthers and sisters, that's free of the oil barons and the abject corruption of the puritan taints. Consider this my personal democricy. All in Favor?

Sol

2005-12-28T02:59:00.000-08:00

a reflection, I used to tie myself to people with sex, used to let myself believe it HELD meaning rather than COMMUNICATED (root word commune) meaning.
i'm over it. I still have what I understand to be an over average libido. I'm a great fan of sex, more so of seduction, romance, and love making but anything out of hand isn't worth it's weight
i've let this run me much more than i'd realized or admitted, it's the choices we make and savor is often 'slaver' in our unexamined actions
the bonds of familiarity friendship intimacy are all of a nature, one might say in the same genus if we were emotional plants. so I weighted one or two branches until they nearly broke
didn't stare it in the face until the change was already made, so I'm glad that some part of me made the choice to change without "my explicit say so"
I still like sex, miss being able to share it with more people than I believe anyone realizes.
but the addiction is broken. nice to know it and fitting that it came as a repercussion of giving up "recreational chemicals" of all styles and flavors
hey it's to be expected isn't it? I've really been no fan of psychopharmacology.

FIN (or begin)

Sol

bits from an e-mail that just about covers it...

2005-12-07T00:14:00.000-08:00

I've been hitting the books both for school and for fun, reading Palahniuk and Robbins as well as some Jorden (Chuck, Tom, and Robert respectively) and saving up some money to follow through on this hair brained idea I have. I want to find a dojo and train for a year. I may have to settle for less at first, say three months or six. But I just want to train, save money for food and rent and tuition to the dojo and just train. I'm also half planing to take a vision quest this summer, perhaps on the salt flats. Just wander in to the wild for a while and see if it won't restore of the vitality to my soul, I've been feeling a little weary lately and this rejuvenation is an uplifting plan. All in all it's been a good year I have to admit as I reflect on it, crazy and there's much of that I wouldn't recommend or repeat yet even so all in all it's been really good. I have to admit I miss New Orleans there was something vital and fresh about that place and it's sad to not have that lively atmosphere around me any longer. I'm also looking to find the name of this academy again because I wish to take up acting once more, film this time I really enjoyed what I did of it before and I would like to add some more experiences to my resume before all's said and done so I may move out to the L.A. area for a while to do that as well, tho that will come later not sooner but it's many times that this has recurred to me and keeps a-calling me more and more so it seems likely I'll be there one day. There's still progress to be made on my long standing book but it's gotten closer and I'm still enjoying how it progresses. Finding a publisher will be another big thing but why get ahead of myself eh? What I should really do is get a good agent honestly, but where to find one you know?

I'm also planing to read American Psycho right before my trip to Costa Rica so I can discuss it with the lady who recommended it too me when I visit her in Germany. And I'm currently working on a re-write of the novelization of the movie Pitch Black. Other than that I've been focused on meditations and Zen practice which I sometimes (oddly enough) do while listening to The Dark Tower by Stephen King. And believe you me that is one odd combination.
Yesterday was Sarah's birthday and that was weird, can still count on one hand the number of her birthdays I've not spent with her since we met. But I suppose an engagements will do that too anyone, there's bound to be weirdness when it's over and done with. I almost feel like I should be more broken up about it or something but I'm not really, it's unfortunate that the rough parts had to happen the way they did but this is as it should be right now you know?

enjoy the flowers,
Sol

Lilies - Lily Folklore / Lily Symbolism - Flowers
The lily's name has pre-classical origins; indeed it was the Greek name Leirion and the Roman name Lilium from which some believe the name "lily" was derived. The lily's symbolism dates back to Ancient Egypt. The Greeks believed Aphrodite added the lily's pistil to make it more phallic. It is the flower of the Archangel Gabriel and is important in heraldry because it resembles a scepter. Legend tells that the lily sprang from Eve's tears, when upon being expelled from Eden she learned she was pregnant. Other folklore tells of lilies, unplanted by any human hand spontaneously appearing on the graves of people executed for crimes they did not commit. Some believe that planting lilies in a garden will protect the garden from ghosts and evil spirits. In medieval times, lilies symbolized feminine sexuality.
In the Language of Flowers, the lily represents purity & majesty, and, in some contexts, death.

http://www.echoedvoices.org/Aug2002/Garden_Section.html
http://webhome.idirect.com/~gaga1/symbols.html
http://www.bartleby.com/65/li/lily.html
http://www.chinesepaintings.com/chinese-symbols.html

Gypsie Coat

2005-10-30T16:44:00.000-08:00

Hello all, you've likely already recived an e-mail about this but I'm just commenting, I am really looking forward to creating this coat, with patching of cloth from everyone I know am close too being encorprated into it I will have a tangable symbol of both my travels and all of the people who are a part of my world and life that travels with me at all times, thus I really shall, in true Gypsie fashion, carry my home with me on my back. If I've somehow missed sending a message to any of the reading of this blog I beg your pardon and it was an oversight born purely of the volume of e-mail I've been sending out. Everyone here is meant and desired to be inluced which is another reason for this post. Also those tailor minded amoung you might get in contatct with me if you have the time, it's been a long while since I did anyting with needles and thread and I would like to have some compatriats to compare notes with and figure out what to do with the creation of this new artifact *grins*

all the best,
Sol

This really happend...

2005-10-28T11:56:00.000-07:00

but make of it what you will

today I woke up entombed, I woke up entombed after a vivid dream of many things which melted into the depths of my mind while I was wondering why there was a wall sealing me into where I slept and no familiar shelf above my bed. I finally realized that I was sleeping upside down and that I'd done it on purpose the night before(after coming home from hanging out with Riley and my mother) but .... it gave me quite a shock
it reminded me how deeply I fear waking trapped, not just caged tho I always use that word, as defense I believe, people go in cages, cages have bars, and food and air
my people, we go in tombs, we are buried alive and hoped to be forgotten. We are buried alive and left to wither away from the world. And I woke up with the cold calm of a panic and terror that has given up it's 'fish out of water' failings. It didn't last long tho I did have a moment of 'patting' along the wall trying to find a way it wasn't real before I understood what was up. it didn't last long but it exposed so much to me... a black well of fear that wasn't open to honest inspection before. the bonus side was/is that I may dissipate it now, my divest myself of some of the horror. But it's so much more than that, it exposes so much more. "my people" that no verbal feeling of profound difference, and profound difference by the judgment of the ones who would be different than myself. not set above by my own hand but cast out by theirs, how am I to respond? where does this deep seeded primordial steeped memory come from? was this the reasons we took to living away from light, in caves, once cast out we took on the mantel of everything which cause that same horror and dread in those who cast us out as they had instill in us as they interred the first swath of our blood within the earthen walls.
is this what transpired? is that the source of our blood lust? this feeling of life slipping away, stolen away, makes us hunger for more, desire more, and as it was 'stolen' once makes us willing to thirst for more in a predatory manner. when death is an omni present reminder all mammals will have sex more and more passionately if you will allow the term, is this then the birth of our passion that we know what judgment was rendered and we all feel we live our moments on borrowed time. I am shaken (not stirred) to my foundations as a kraft of well water is shaken all the way down by a falling stone. Dislodged, torrential, ultimately settling once more with no harm done, but things not quite the same. what time of year this is i'm sure influences this, as does spending so much time with R “vamp” Brown and Ash Black yet still this is that does not seem to be all saying that's the 'source' tastes metallic and dead on my tongue like blood gone bad and i'd more willingly say that the way you're dreams have touched me caused this than any environmental factors i'd think of.. yet this still feels as mine, something that was even if it was unseen until this conflux of events, people, places, and that's what the crux is, it feels revealed by those outside influences, reveal is in no way created. I exhale my breath as if to reaffirm that I am what I am and alive is a part of that. what little wonder is there in the aspect of willing death over consignment when that restraint always seen is the tomb better a true pure death, a clean death and that.
an outlaw never goes quietly. i realized a little while ago that if i believed i would be able to worm my way out of there even if it took a while I wouldn't mind so much being bound... but this, this is the true gall, the clawing in my gut that makes terror turn to bloodsprayed rage and abandon.
so, wakey wakey vamp, it's time to remember who you are, there are profound truths you've been playing at not seeing for far to long, and you just aren't meant or thankfully able to keep lying to yourself about them anymore... now it's only a pity your night visions so wavery just now and those shapes still remain a bit unclear..

out of the dusts...

2005-10-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

hey folks this is something I meant to post and never did... at least from what I've seen I never did *grins* so if I have and missed it let me know *grins* don't want to get redundent, but in any event here it is.

all the best,

Sol

have you heard Sage Francis "personal journal" for some reason i have that impulse with you right now, maybe it's a hands tied thing, perhaps i feel that if i share my own inner works with you something will shead a light on confusions otherwise un-resolved. my families scars run deep and I've no way of knowing how much you know this. you are clearly well known and truly loved by my brother and sister [sister1 and brother1] and quite well liked and enjoyed by my other brother and sister [i simply have the impression that brother2 and sister2 don't know you as well]. i know you're important for and too them so you must know something. but let me tell you (ha, "let" as if I'm somehow gaining your permission by saying that when here in text there is no mind but mine to guide these keys turned letters turned words turned sentences... gods sometimes it feels like a sentence) the story of our lives... the brief dark version, the story no one really hears.. not really. the story of our scars, and of how our parents indiscretions have hurt even the intimacy of we siblings... of my siblings who are the dearest things in this world to me... (well isn't that ironic, now *I'm* crying). It all started long before most of us were born, only sister1 brother1 and I were drawing in this lifes sweet air by then, and we weren't to know the truth still till years later when it all came apart. The short version is that my parents used to practice unorthodox relationship methods and that my mothers emotions have always been more exposed than my fathers. I'll tell you the whole story on our walk if you'd like, text takes more time than I wish too and there's almost something crude about it... almost as if I'm making it more perment by writing these things down.. the unorthodox isn't the problem, at least not of it's self and very much not for me I'm quite unorthodox myself especially when it comes to romance and relationships (hell I'd rather suffer and watch the end of a relationship have my heart served too me on a platter than to lie to a loved one... but that's another story and totally mine and not what this is about). The problem came when my mothers sense of neglect and my fathers sense of burden flared and clashed. In the midst of the oh so chaotic and torrid affair that followed (and I don't mean the sexual one that everyone so wrongly supposed was the key to it all) there were wounds left across the trust and love of this family, of my dear brothers and sisters that I don't know if we'll ever fully recover from. BOTH our parents forgot us entirely to be wrapped in their own personal drama and power struggle. I still remember watching as sister1 brother2 and sister2 all tried to talk to each other in over loud voices to drown out the screaming and the fighting that was happening below. Watched it like a knife in my intestines until I couldn't stand it any longer and in a despret despairing rage went down stairs and screamed at both my parents until they shut up and both left the house (my mother to her ... now brother1's, room downstairs actually but it makes no never mind). I remember watching my brothers and sisters get thinner from lack of food because we really didn't have appetites with all that was going on. And I remember myself for the first time in my life just fleeing from something, just moving and never wanting to stop, always PUSH PUSH PUSH so that I wouldn't have to think. It's when sister1 when away.. you didn't get to see her then and that is truly a sad thing, she was always similes and such innocent cheer.. she's never been the same since and it always breaks my heart. Sister2 has this edge about her have you notice it? when some things too soft she laughs, it can't be sensitive right away first it has to be funny or foolish. She's been so strong to get through all of this and I have no idea what it may cost her in the long run. And brother2, my dear, dear brother2, so much like me, so much like me it kills me because I know where he was, where he's been, and how hard this was on me when I was already older and (if you can be such a thing) more ready. He doesn't walk untouched through this world , he just looks it because the wounds run so deep they look like the belong there. When he attacks someone, pushes them away for being "ridiculous" or some close synonym, they show up clear as day. I've seen dispair in his eyes unmatched by anything I've seen in this world... and while I know that there's oh such hard and hurtful things that I've yet to see, and that he's stronger now, more healed, it's still there. You've never seen him angry, anger is pain that lives beneath the skin and won't go away, won't be let out, won't breach the surface... it smolders and burns until it erupts. He nearly tore a sink out of the wall by mistake once when he lost his temper, he didn't even know he was doing it. So he keeps his emotions away from the world that he might not let anything prick him too deep and thus get hurt so that he'd hurt in return.
His worst fear in this world is, just like mine, himself.
And Brother1, Brother1 was my only friend for years. My ONLY friend... even people who've become close now who were there then, and who are truly my friends.. it's different, they don't know. I was so excited to have a brother, I was nervous and a bit unsettled too because I'd been an only child but I loved him so much... and somewhere I lost him, somewhere in the years, during the time we came to Logan, I lost him. And I never got him back. He was my dearest friend and to this day I don't know fully what happened or even why. We drifted apart and I'm not sure how to talk to him anymore, not about the big stuff, not about the things that we both so often and so frantically wrestle with. You can see it in our writings, in our music. You're right about art and pain, but don't court pain enough of it will come to call on you without your throwing wide the doors. And sometimes art can be happy too. I don't know how to tell him, how to even bring it up. Gods he sleeps in the room next to mine now and feels worlds away and I miss him more than I can even try to say, and I can't bring it up. I know I hurt him somehow, I know because I can see that much, I know that's not all and I pray someday I might understand. I know he was gone when Mum and Pops destroyed something ireprable in our family and I know his feelings on it and experience with it has driving this wedge between us even deeper because of those views. I'm afraid, I wasn't afraid to walk down streets where I knew people got killed every year, not a wif of it. But my brother lays there in the other room sick and in pain and not know why or what to do and I can't help him... I don't know how to even be there for him, and I'm afraid I'll lose him without ever having the chance to understand or make it right. He might die and I might as well be trying to grab smoke with my hands for all that I can do about it. To have the core of what taught you love be broken and the fragments twisted in your guts is difficult. Not because of the pain of it, that I've long since come to grips with, but because of it's distortion casting it's self upon everything else. I know it, can taste it feel it, I'm deadened now compared to what I used to be, the same record is playing but the volume has dropped, like speakers that have been blown out, or the world the day after a concert when you forgot to take care of your ears. I remember when I felt sick and cried a little (alone after they'd all gone away) at some kids killing a bumblebee in my neighborhood. Now I carry around a smashed bullet (the one that missed) from a shooting that took place not fifteen feet from the bedroom in which I slept. Sometimes I wonder if something inside me is dead, and I hope that it's not gone beyond recall... I know that it all sounds melodramatic and I don't mean to imply that this is the whole of life, there are counter points elements of laughter and love. But there's a space where some things missing and it's nothing someone else took from or gave too me, it's tied up with other people but it's always been my own. And when there was too much pain to bear and I didn't know what to do I killed it, and I hope I'm able to undo some part of that.
My story's gotten mired in emotion, what do I expect when it's about the mire of emotion?
I hope we do get our walk, I honestly feel as if it matters weather or not this happens, tho to say why is beyond me just now. There's so much to say, so much more to be told, but the ground just now is muddy (tears will do that to dust of memory) and the story teller's spent (tears will do that too often as not).

Sol

Earth dance, chaos kings...

2005-10-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

Phoenix Flame

In the tale of the Phoenix the bird gives it’s self to the flame after having sacrificed it’s self to save the prince and princess. This wondrous creature risked it’s very survival, basing it solely on trusting a boy it did not know. Why? For the sake of saving two innocents from evil. The phoenix went into the flame and was reborn greater, stronger, more vital.

I am the Phoenix, I set my self in the fires to be reborn. Always seeking the safety and joy of my brothers and sisters. I welcome the turmoil of change so that I may grow. By my growth I am better able to uplift those that I encounter.
When the Phoenix rose anew from the flames it was bedecked with new and splendid feathers. And it took wing soaring to where the golden apples of life grew. It hovered o’re the tree for a moment drawing all eyes. Then it plucked one of the golden apples and returned with it as a gift to the prince and princess.
So too would I be. One able to take flight over the confines of the world, not that I might flee from it, rather that I may draw the eyes and hearts of those that watch to take flight as well. For I will lead if you will follow me there. Yet even having reached such a vantage I would not settle there, rather would I pluck what I may from that place and rejoin the peoples of the world bearing it as a gift that they might live in joy and love together.
The Phoenix held eternal life, renewed and protected by the evil sorcerer. It’s safety and life guaranteed for all time... so long as it did not oppose him. Yet it spent it’s time seeking a way to undo the evil, even if it required that the Phoenix too be undone.
Too often I see people seeking to bring down evil (as did the prince) with out the means. While those with what means are needed sit by doing nothing for the sake of their own preservation. I strive to choose as the Phoenix did, to choose an end to evil at any cost. To choose to help those that strive for a better world. Rather than to sit in safety and watch as others fall to odds they could not surmount alone.
When I was young I watched many children treat their weaker peers with cruelty, only to have our parents, teachers, adult guardians of all sorts, fail to stop it. I did not long sit by and watch this occur. Because of that choice I spent many hours alone, and many more with people angry at me. Yet I regret the choice not at all, for I saw the looks on the faces of those kids when they started to believe that maybe the world wasn’t just a cold uncaring place. It was wrong for the bullies to gang up on smaller kids, yet wrong though that was I saw less harm done by that, than by the inaction of everyone else. I’ve had my share of cuts, bruises, and so forth. So I can tell you confidently that they heal. What often does not heal is the faith and innocence of a child. That simple certainty that bad things don’t happen to good people, or that at the very least the people who love them will always stand up for them. It has been said that which is required for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing. That is why I strive to stand like the Phoenix. Because I know that even if I can’t always stop the bullies from beating up the little kid on the play ground. I can at least show that kid that there are people who won’t stand by and let it happen. If I can shield any part of that innocence and faith it is worth any pain the fire may bring. This quote from Emerson says it well “Higher than the question of our duration is the question of our deserving. Immortality will come to such as are fit for it.” I seek to be deserving that as the Phoenix I may rise again and continue to serve.

I am the Flame, I shall burn as a beacon to those lost in the night. Shining with the warmth of old world hospitality, bidding the weary traveler take shelter from the storm. I shall warm those frozen with the chill of apathy. Reminding them of what is often over looked, how to love their brother and them self. I shall spark the fire that will burn through the forest of man ensuring that we will grow and evolve, not merely rot away in our opulence.

As the Phoenix reborn, I will not shy away from the flaws of this our world. I shall carry my flame to them, for I shall;

Burn away the weakness, for in weakness lies our self doubt and fear of service. Lies the silence of no defiant voices. In this is grown inaction, not for lack of feeling, but for lack of belief that anything can be done. “Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once.” Shakespeare spoke truly for in this weakness lies the death of heros, not for a broken shield, or an overtaxed sword arm, rather because of those who bring others down so that perhaps they will not feel quite so low. In this lies a life devoid of dreams, or hope. A life wracked by the numbing pain of being truly alone.

Burn away the pain, for in pain we find many excuses. For it is in self pity that we author our own down fall. It is simple to create excuses for what we have not done when we can claim that our lives or ourselves are wretched and pitiable. “How can I be forced to strive for this hard thing while I am so down cast.” “How can I be asked to endure this discomfort of effort while I am in misery”. It is this pain that masks the fear hiding in the hearts of men. It is fear of making changes which causes us to flee discomfort. And in fleeing discomfort to turn our backs on life. The image of stepping into a fire, of having the tongues of flame consume what they touch. That image has evoked a shudder in many. I offer another image. The image of a lump of earth, shapeless. Being cast into this flame. Of it’s being pounded and beaten, and plunged again and again into the flame. The image of a sword flashing new and strong in the sunlight.

Burn away uncaring, the uncaring that makes us question every kind act. The uncaring that permeates our world such that feeling for the plight of another is tantamount to a crime. The uncaring that when we are given a gift causes us to ask “what are they getting out of this, where’s the catch”. Edmund Burke said “The true danger is when liberty is nibbled away, for expedience, and by parts.” it is uncaring that feeds this danger. It is this uncaring that is expressed by Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens book “A Christmas Carol”. The same uncaring that fed the rise of the Nazis, the action of rapists, and the execution of innocent homosexuals.

These things which have left the heart of the world laid bear and bleeding are at an end.

For I am the healing Phoenix Flame.

hehehehehehe

2005-10-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

alright so this is just funny and I've been told it reminds people of me... guess which one I am

Sol

this is the origonal context, I didn't create it so give these guy the credit they deserve, oh and thanks to miss Cross for all her efforts in helping me dig this up again, love ya babe.

http://www.sluggy.com/daily.php?date=000223

What am I?

2005-09-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

Fear says I'm flight
the cynic syas I'm might
lonely emotion says I'm love
I'm none of the above

I'm said to rest in the eyes of the old
often said to scorn the bold
a king sought me out by giving up his eye
few find me before they die

my voice will quite Rage
enough of me disbars any cage
I am the poal-star twin of doubt
I am what every faith seeks out

what am I?

and now a hint:

In the Owl I've been told to abide
and the three kings at Jesus side
In the name of every witch
and guide the lives of those without regret

When you mean something to me

2005-09-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

meanings, being with someone is what resides with you those people who's images and words infiltrate what you do who you converse with when you're gone and who do the "same" with you. You're always togather a union more lasting to my eyes than perputual proximity

Just a thought on late night drinking...

2005-09-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

it's a good way to vent, and a great way to rant, so long as the doubble vision doesn't present you with the impression that you're listening to a mighty orator and you take your own misgivings to heart

Manifesto of the Dream builders Union

2005-08-27T17:03:00.000-07:00

I am firmly of the opinion that we all do get everything we ask for.
The full dreams and aspirations starter kit. What we need then is vision and fallowthrough, nothing comes prefab. And it’s really all a question of capacity (that love child of sincerity and ability) because a gun, badge, uniform, nightstick, pair of hand-cuffs, belt, boots, hat, can of pepper spray, tazer, ticket book, pen, car, fraternal order membership card, laptop, mirrored sunglasses. Doesn’t shake and bake you into a representative of Justice.
And a full scenery dock and costume shop doesn’t make a play. Our problem is we order dreams on credit not reading the fine print that these student loans come due (opposite of the others) if we don’t complete the course work. So we sit over drawn mix and matching the incomplete pieces of our simultaneous aspirational excess and wonder why nothing looks like the picture on the box. So if you’re waiting for an addition of “dream assembly for dummies” here it is and it’s concise; Just live. And do so without hesitation or concession.

Pennsic Stories Year II

2005-08-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

Alright then Pensic stories... well I’d have to say that Pensic (for me this time) was like Beltane plus Groundhog day. I met and hung out with an artist who’d made and brought along a large ceramic Buddha. He and I got along famously and intend to keep in touch. We’re planing to go as Satyrs to at least one party next year. I saw lots of pretty women some solid fighting and a myriad of merchandise some cool some cheesy but all amusing enough for one gander or another. I got a button that says “Blood is thicker than Water, Adjust your recipes accordingly” courtesies of the wife of a friend (who thinks I’m nice but way out of control a lot of the time... who knows maybe she’s right). I met a nice merchant girl and catted about fantasy novels for a while, she’s just off to school to be a lit major and has said she’s going to write me so apparently I have a new pen pal. Several actually as George (the artist) and I both made friends with the pseudo little sister of our (mutual) friend Ian and she might write as well... we’ll see tho, I’m not holding my breath, you know how these things go. I spent a goodly time hanging out with a guy who makes some absolutely wonderful mead and who’s going to teach me a thing or two so maybe I can start brewing such myself, that would be wicked cool and I’m stoked to get the info later when I get back in touch with him. I learned a bit a bout drumming and in theory here will be receiving a good twenty to thirty pages of lessons on drumming from a Journeyman drummer I know out there. I had wickedly vast amounts to drink but it was all free and it was (mostly) all very good, 102 year hold Haitian rum being on the high end of the scale along with things like Chocolate Covered Strawberry Mead. All the way down to some everclear punch which didn’t taste that strong but after a couple of tankards made sure you knew it was hanging out for a while *lol*
As of roughly the middle of the week George and I were hanging out with three ladies we’d met there and our evenings consisted mostly of watching them go wild across all sorts of gatherings (many camps have parties so party hopping is practical a sport there) and dance (two of the three did some verity of middle-eastern dancing) and then half carrying them home to their tents pouring them into bed and then shambling back to my own to catch a few z’s before the sun par boiled me into consciousness yet again. It was good times and I’m glad I got to go, crazy bonfires in the woods under the full moon are wicked cool :D
oh and I got to hang out again with some new friends I’d made from last year.
Debauchery, quips, puns, taunts, teases, and stories of years gone by were shared by all. Jokes songs music (all live) and comic acts were prevalent as well. And I got to meet a man who’s an honest to go ninja. He’s been a backwoodsmen, a spec-ops trooper, learned two whole styles of illusion and magic, is wicked good at reading people, knows how to tell stories like nobody’s business and happens to be a good pal of a friend o’ mine, a big black Scotsman, no really I’m being totally serious as odd as a black scot may seem. It was wonderful to hang out with him, I think I’d have to admit to even being a little in awe of the guy he’s just so multi-talented and I got to see him employ a sampling of them. Oh and I wandered around the whole time in a Kimono and War-skirt, and sometimes Gatia being all Samurai-ish. Well that covers my stories at least from a global perspective if you want more descriptions of any given area just inquire within :P and I’ll be happy to elaborate.

Sol

only fear

2005-08-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

I was just asked what makes me guarded, why past a certain point I seem perptually withdrawn, well it's a good question and sparked an honest answer, I provide it for you here...

what set me on gaurd? why dear lady learning to speak did. That's not

clear tho. The answer is that I knew myself before I knew speech, and

when I'd gained the skills to speak with others I started to learn

things such as lies, betrayal, forswearing, dishonor, and crulity.

These were not part of my world before, it took my mother nearly two

weeks to convice me that people would be capable of lieing. I couldn't

comprehend the phnomon, it made no sense to me it felt so wrong. Then

when I finally accepted that with a sick sinking feeling in my gut I

asked her why they didn't just make people promise to tell the truth

before they asked them questions, because surely even those so depraved

as to lie wouldn't break their word. Another week more or less passed

with that one. After which I was broken and some part of me feels like

sobbing everytime I go back to that place, it was when I lost faith in

the basic goodness of our species. It took longer for me to become

aquinted with betrayle, that wasn't until my teens, and that taught me

how someone could come to desire sadistic things as well for I was made

crule, truely crule for the first time in my life. Dishonor I still

don't understand even tho I've tasted it ground into my face time and

again. I'm not the perfict moral person I once was, I'm not as worthy

or as good as I started out to be, no where near so pure. And I say

that from knowing myself, not from any religion or phlospy so I can't

have the luxery of wondering if I've been misled. I fall short of my

own truth and there is no escaping that, I must find a way to rise above

and struggle with that every day. I know more temperance now than once

I did, I'm less of an extreamist and that's all towards the best near as

I can tell. I don't trust people because they can stomic what is going

on better than I can and if they can do ought be choke on this abhorent

situation I am profoundly distrubed. However it's not for me to judge

individuals, everyone has a reason to be where they are and I too have

fallen so how am I to set myself in judgement? I am not. Therefore I

strive and try to aid others hopeing that somehow the blind can lead the

blind out of this mire. Why do I look? to understand what I can't

concive, where this all started. I can grasp how once inflicted with it

you can have it re-occur. How when faced with it sometimes it is the

answer to fighting it. What I don't know and yet strive to see is where

it came from, what started it. Somewhere in the scope of people lays

that answer and I will have it, I must have it... I need to understand.

And people, most people are well intentioned yet weak. What if, I'm not

saying it is so, but what if that one who hurt you last year was

drinking a bit and started out meaning to be friendly... and then

crubled before his own poisen? I've seen it happen, I've struck people

down for it (no I've not killed anyone in this life) I taste the

weakness of others, their pain and hopeless fuitility. Kennidy was

right, fear it's self. It feeds on it's self, grows stronger. It's like

cancer of the heart, strangeling the soul.
Why am I gaurded? because no one can afford for me to be weak, too many

others are too many others need help from those who've succumbed to this

toxic soup we call "culture" and even that assement is limited. And

even worse than that what if I were to fall into such degenaration?

What if I let myself degrade so? That thought drives me like a bryer

thorn lash, I could be so horrable, I've drunk poisen to understand it's

power and now must fight it every day as it holds a portion of my soul

in it's sway, must except it be it embrace it yet always master it,

always. I fear the day I slip more than anything else creation has to

offer me, I'd rather be peeled from the insideout by parasites.
Tho' the two don't seem so diffrent really. I know how to do what's

right these days but listening to discordant hymes in my soul and

dancing to their contra beat. I predate the parasites so that I don't

become one. That is what I'm always on gaurd against, the one and only

thing I've every really wanted, to touch the world.

an answer to one, an answer for all

2005-06-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

I usually frame my entries in some way, this one I've decided not too. As the title implies it's something written in response to one persons question and it applies as a rule. This is as close to "my take" or version or whatever of jealousy/possessiveness on an emotional level. That's the frame you get, I trust it's sufficient...

... I don't mind causal, I'm for it honestly, the calm warm pleasant assured style of casual. The casual kiss of a loved one to another when walking passed about the day. That I love and find would bear smiles.
this other...
this other,
I don't wish to name it
as I feel it deserves no power and place
flowers before swine if we were to use a variant of an old phrase
like the grimy candy sticked hands of a spoiled child grasping a silk painting
besmirch is a good word for it, besmirch suits
as it evokes a tongue clinching lip curling impulse to despise those who do it
I've worried lest I let it become an excuse to be possessive, to allow that a house within my soul would lessen me so I place will before it and bar the way
you decide is the key, the whole world of difference. That you decide, and why
what spirt moves you holds you when you do
in a world without disease I would hesitate not at all not for a thought of a heart beat if you'd just fucked sixteen guys in quick succession it wouldn't matter, you would not diminish nor be sullied by that
on the other side of the abyss however there live things I would obliterate were I able
simple looks from “him” timber has left me swimming in images of smashing his face, whoever “he” is at the moment
something about smashing in the face, that's what's called for
women, with their envious jealous eyes, those I want to eviscerate
to flay
that's what's suited there
mayhap it's to turn in kind what they put upon you with their mouthing-minds
I grin when people lust after you, more so when they are stricken fallen for you, there are all kinds of smiles that get to live in case you come to be showing me such things... even all unknowing as when we walk together, watching the eyes of the passing motorists, or the men who stop me on the street to congratulate me. By those I am pleased
it's when people lust then point it at you, that bothers me when it's not about you but about them that bothers me that is what it should not be

so long as it's about you not someone else, or just them which is to say no one at all. So long as that's the truth it disturbs me nothing, however the other.... well what is that but despicable for them to do and disgusting for me to behold
save of course the most potent point, depressing for you to endure ... whatever sensations and situations happen to be it's rapping paper
you follow don't you?

Current events interview

2005-06-21T19:16:00.000-07:00

Interviewer: so this is the first public statement you’ve made since the big shift.

Sol: yeah that’s right I just had to take some time to settle in and chew things over first.

Interviewer: so how’s all of that coming for you?

Sol: branching out as with most things, but basically I realized that I know more about what I’m doing than I usually think or credit myself with. Which is at once uplifting because of it’s sense of greater empowerment and ironic because it’s one of my pet peeves with other people and the behaviors that I witness.

Interviewer: How about new realizations in the face of change, any pearls you’d like to share from the big shift?

Sol: Yes, for example I discovered that I miss people fiercely it just doesn’t make me sad. Longing most defiantly but I discovered that for me this longing is a source of strength. I have said for many years that I simply don’t miss people, my mistake was because I wasn’t broken up by the experience as with most who I’ve witnessed. So my mistake came there.

Interviewer: there have been a lot of things said about you and relationships lately, care to address any of that?

Sol: Really I’m just adhering to the same rules I always have. Treat people like they have the integrity and power to say what they mean, mean what they say, and admit when they’re mistaken. Also as always I’m more intrinsically able to give a woman slack about transgressions made in this regard than I am a man, there are any number of labels that might suit that paradigm but in any event it’s been with me since I was very young. Just the same as my willingness to overlook a slight to me a thousand times more readily than one to a friend. If you’re looking for changes the best I can think to give you is a reaffirmation. I experienced that love and trust can exist independent of one and other which shored up my commitment to the codes of conduct which I adhere to. The principle of is this; if someone claims something they are striving to become it and from that moment they are what they have claimed. Treat them as is their due in light of what they have become. Give them no more or less respect, confidence, or aid that what their chosen status deserves. That way no matter what happens they lived their lives in truth. After all one heartbeat of truth is worth any thousand year lie.

Interviewer: what about love, How does that factor into all of this?

Sol: Love is about joy, truthfully. Perhaps you’d say it like this; love is joy in truth and thus true joy. Loving someone you do your best to guide them to truth and joy. You allow for it, you make way for it, you look for it, and if this happens to be then you sacrifice for it as well.
Love is unconditionally given. There is one primordial condition however, simply that you do not kill joy for the sake of joy. You don’t give up your own love on behalf of love. If you do the gift given turns sour and cold. Which as a one time chief I can tell you is a dish that few find palatable. Loving is finding ways to live together with someone who is not yourself, no matter how often you see them or how much you talk it’s about accepting them into your life as surely as you yourself are placed therein.

Interviewer: You speak with a great degree of certainty about love, would you then say you can define it’s presence? Or that you always know when it’s there?

Sol: no I would not. I do have a good guide however. When someone loves you. And that love is more than just affection or enjoying your company, or wanting you around for some more specifically selfish reason. Then they want you to be healthy and strong. They want you to have empowerment and joy. Without regard for what repercussions will or will not be visited upon themselves. Likewise someone who will participate in your self destruction or stagnation, while they may be more palatable to be around, no matter how much affection they hold for you or how intense it is they do not truly love you. There’s much in this life that evokes much passion, even pleasure or comfort, that is nothing of love.

Interviewer: You have been known to quote that being a poet is a condition not a profession, so I’m wondering what is the condition of your poetry?

Sol: Clever. My poetry has taken a signficint step backwards chronological in some ways. Which is a huge progression to my voice as a writer and artist. It’s a sticky task to find your voice in this world and communicate what you witness. It’s insurmountable if you lose who you are to the somewhat petty convincers of preconceived conventions.

Interviewer: So you’re against learning of any standardized forms of art or writing?

Sol: Not at all, I’m very much for the learning for all of them. They make great stained glass for the creation of true art. But you wouldn’t put up pains of solid colored glass in a Cathedral and call it inspirational, the same here applies. Someone who was briefly a teacher of mine said that you have to know the rules to before you brake them. He meant that you earn the right that way, because you earn the grasp of what’s happening. Just remember as you’re learning from all those that you see, innovations, inspirations, and greatness never came from puerile mimicry.

Interviewer: what troubles you most?

Sol: that I still haven’t shaken my old habits.

Interviewer: care to elaborate?

Sol: I have a number of mistakes that I’ve habitually made and at this point I not only know it but how to solve it, I am troubled by the remainder that’s un-dealt with.

Interviewer: what makes you smile?

Sol: these days or always?

Interviewer: these days.

Sol: renewed faith. My own.

Interviewer: what brought that about?

Sol: a Cross is a wonderful symbol and inspiration when you chose the right one.

Interviewer: Care to be a bit more cryptic?

Sol: no thanks, I think that says it nicely.

Interviewer: You moved largely based on choices of education and profession, what are your present goals within those fields?

Sol: Again the same as they always have been except that I’m dispelling the impulse to settle. I’m learning Forensic Psychology, or Psych Profiling for short. I’m looking for a school to learn martial arts in and will attain mastery before all’s said and done. And I’m throwing myself headlong into art again because I’m going to be successful in that field.

Interviewer: Tall order what have you done towards it recently?

Sol: Made contact with a few old friends to establish closer ties to the martial arts community as well as compiling a list of the schools/styles that I’m interested in studying. I’m also watching more, training more. The same is true of Psych Profiling I don’t pass up opportunities to exercise the skills of the trade. I’m also getting set to go to school within the field. The arts I’ve worked on my voice and my bass somewhat consistently and I’ve written three pieces today alone.

Interviewer: Is that all?

Sol: actually no, I’m spending the most of my time and energy becoming a firebrand. We need more of them. So I’m up for it.

Interviewer: Well that about does it for the time we have on this first interview anything you’d like to say to our readers before we close this up?

Sol: remember neither time nor distance effects truth or love, it just allows them to be more readily ignored. Be careful of it.

Interviewer: Indeed... well that’s it we’ll have another interview here with Sol later on but this will hopefully tide you over for a while.

time, is on my side, yes it is

2005-05-12T16:46:00.000-07:00

I spend every day looking at a glass pyramid rising to frame a monolithic Pharaoh, bracketed by two flights of sweeping stairs. All set together in a sky made golden by the slanting rays of the sun.

I’ve put this image on the desktop of my computer as it resonates to me, it speaks of hope and joy and the power unleashed by pure truth and freedom.

I feel this more every day, I feel this and I smile, I have a few very close friends and my younger second self to thank for this *grins* you know who you are. I’m more than pleased I’m empowered and it’s the next step in my personal evolution. I my desire to share this joyous sensation with you who read herein is what’s inspired my writing today. I hope I’ve opened up some sliver of a view to what I mean, it feels exceptional and as I have my way everyone of you will know it for yourselves, first hand. As for me it’s time I move forward with taking reality by storm *smiles warmly*

Wish me luck
Sol

Reflextions on my teens

2005-05-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

At sixteen years old I had it all figured out, I think at that age many of us do. I knew what I career I would peruse, what schooling I would need to succeed. What environment I wanted to live in, how much I’d make and the answers to all of the ‘why’ about all of this. By sixteen years old all these plans were obliterated by meeting the love of my life Sarah. Common enough name for a girl who has always been, to me, earthshaking. She taught me the value of living in the moment without even knowing that she had. She was the inspiration for my social coming of age and the motivation behind my long over due emergence into a world my home schooled upbringing had long kept me a step apart form. By my sixteenth birthday I’d never been kissed, I’d never been drunk, I’d never taken a pill or a powder, I often refused painkillers or antibiotics. I’d never been on a date or had a girlfriend. I didn’t know what terms like ‘flirt’ and ‘tease’ meant when uttered by most people. I wouldn’t have been able to pick someone ‘hitting on’ me out of a crowed for a thousand dollars in cash. I didn’t drink caffeine, I didn’t eat sugar, or meat. I didn’t like to eat anything which the words “deep fried” could describe. I wasn’t aware that what I called fun was ‘exercise’ and considered and obligation by most people. I didn’t know that anyone would try to force somebody else to learn, much less condition them to learn a preset ideology.

By seventeen almost all of this was changed or on it’s way to being. By seventeen I’d been propositioned by the majority of my friends girl friends. Something I’m proud to say I have chosen to turn down putting friendship above temporary gratifications. By seventeen, I’d cheated and been cheated on and discovered that it hurt more to brake faith myself than to have it broken with me. Somewhere in there I was introduced to threesomes first in concept by a friend of mine in a conversation he had in my presence. Then in actuality by an ever changing parade of combinations of friends and acquaintances, most of whom were female. I learned that I could almost freeze to death, turn purple with cold, and feel it less than the sting of seeing the girl I loved with someone else no matter what ‘right’ I had to say so or not. I learned that I could drink more than was healthy and survive a plethora of bad judgment, most of it other peoples but some of it mine as well. I learned that I could exist on almost no water in the heat of a desert summer and that for me there is reason enough to have faith in the face of mother culture. (A phrase I unabashedly steal from Daniel Quinn)

Before I left my teens there were some other lessons I learned. Choice is more important than the present state of things. Truth is sometimes so complex as to be functionally relative. Or as I like to say; reality is collaborative truth is personal. I learned that very few people even consider being as loyal as I am by default. I discovered that deep feeling, pure passion, total sincerity, and the very best of intentions aren’t enough in the face of fear, panic, pain, and jealousy. And I learned that even the most potent loves can be damaged if not wholly shattered by inconsistency. I learned that what people think of as “the one” or their “soulmate” is just someone who will see them for who they really are ugly and pure and accept that even when they don’t agree with it. And that we’ve been lied to twice by our stories, once when we were told the search for that connection had anything to do with romance or sex, and once when we were told that we’d only ever find one, and that if we were lucky.
I learned that everyone deserves, at least once, another chance and that most people will waste it. I learned that “what if” is one of the most popular ways to lie. I learned to my shock that sex isn’t about love, and to my eternal joy that love expressed through sex is one of the most amazing and wonderful experiences that could be hoped for. I learned that my mother was right, the first time will effect you forever, and I was happy that I’d listened to her advice before I made my choices. I learned that regrets are flags for our unfinished business and that living with them is the same as running out on our lives.
I found out that even when the lesson is learned a hard memory doesn’t become a happy one, but the poison does drain out of it over time.
I saw time and again how much more deeply judgmental Jon Q Public is than me, masses or single serving packets.

In the years since high school I’ve picked up a few things too. I’ve gotten better at sex, chit-chat, and coy one liners. I’ve gotten worse at having faith in people or being willing to count on anybody with my safety. I’ve see love conquer all, except self doubt and fear. And I’ve discovered that most people don’t want your help even when they ask for it. I’ve gotten better at asking for help, and worse at admitting when I need it. I’ve become stronger, and weaker. I’ve gotten injured and healed up (almost all the way). I’ve realized that saying what you mean, and meaning what you say doesn’t mean that you’ll be believed or understood and that even being completely literal and direct doesn’t shield you from being miss represented or having someone put their personal baggage before their experiences with you.

I’ve lost hope, and found it again. I’ve been tempted to lie, and relearned out pointless it is. I’ve discovered that compassion, love, confidence, and decency are the only things that seem to give life color and spark. And that panic, fear, and jealousy are all masks worn by one beast and that creature sickens me because it’s in the guts of all the things about this world that turn my stomach and brake my heart. I’ve learned that people would rather be needed than wanted. And would rather make relationships, especially sexual ones, akin to treaties or business deals than to artistic beauty expressed through human intimacy. I’ve learned that “it’s not death if you don’t except it”. And that mortality holds no repugnance for me yet I’ll fight it tooth and nail ever breath I take.

There’s a lot more but this will do for now, I don’t want to lose my clarity or honesty about these things. But I’ll give you just one more, I’ve learned that anyone who thinks “all women” or “all men” is a way to begin any accurate or honest statement is either blind, ignorant, or in denial.

Sol

Old school morning

2005-05-05T05:11:00.000-07:00

there's something profundly Springsteen about getting off work and walking home into the dawn of a city street. Something, classic. And I got to be a part of that today. Feels great, like I've stepped somewhere into the annanels of hisotry. Talked so much about so much that my brain feels like mush, but it's a good mush. Life is again picking up and I see that there's been progress throughout. Time to put my money where my mouth is about amostly everything that's ready to hand. I challange I except egerly. But first, for today, it's time to sleep.

Good moring all, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight ;)

Sol

“...I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed...”

2005-04-24T05:04:00.000-07:00

It’s a lyric from a song I adore, and until today(April 24, 2005) I didn’t really understand it. Maybe it’s an early birthday gift. I do have all of my other elements described before here in, but my desire, ability, intent to be devoted first and foremost to someone arises where there are conditions to foster it’s growth. Namely an understanding of it in me. Which is why I have so little of it in my life because I’ve yet to meet someone who holds much of it. My rambling aside for the moment let me share with you my Epiphany. There is a direct physiological correlation between how emotionally secure I feel about my romantic bonds and my libido. This also covers what little territory there is remaining within me at present that still sparks jealousy; this being when I feel I’m losing something, the simplest way to put it would be I don’t mind time spent with someone else so long as it doesn’t take away time from me. Now that’s a broad a crude measure because it’s not really about time per say even, it’s about weather or not the “in tune” level of my relationship is diminished by someone else being involved. The true divining rod would be comparing these two states i.e. “What she would do with Z here” & “What she would do without Z in the equation”. As long as the two states as they apply to intimate moments with me (not sexual that’s actually the least of it for me, intimate) match within a small margin then I have no problem. What gets me upset is when they don’t. What gets me jealous is when “Z” either doesn’t seem to give a damn (when “Z” is a friend) or is actively (weather overt or covert) contributing.

So what it boils down to is that all I’m seeking from a relationship is someone who sees and accepts me for who I am and who will in some small ways show me this through unique interactions with me which are unswayed by the influences of others regardless of gender, blood-tie, or anything else.

I guess when I finally brake it down my motives are not so different from anyone else are they?

Sol

"...it's the only place I wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah..."

2005-04-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

New job, new school, new out look, whole new energy, same core me. Life feels good, what's been the moneky on my back driving me is currently in a head-lock being pummeled against the ropes. I'm on track again and it's of that realm titled "greatest feeln' ever". I'm splitting a gym membership with a friend o' mine and likely looking into studying with Master Moon (highly renown Martial Artist for those who don't obsess over such things like I do) then perhaps some open style prize fighting *grins* what can I say it's got a certain charm to me. I've got the 9-5 thing worked out after one day of hitting the pavement and I have the week off from it to go pull a golf gig which will pay more (how sweet is that?) plus my birthday is in three days after which my rich uncle sam will help me with school (fingers crossed) wherein I can learn the art of personality profiling and make a profession of being an expert witness and a Fed for a while until I'm willing to settel into teaching as a Prof somewhere. My goals and aspirations are finally coming back into focus again like they were before my sixteenth and that's a superb feeling. Throw in the Uncle Kracker song 'Yeah, yeah, yeah', a beer and a bag of chips on this my day off and I'm feeling pretty damn spiffy. The rest? well the rest isn't my problem to solve so long as I'm stable I'll be alright. Just needed to get on my feet so I'd stop feeling threatened by every other thing that happened and now I just feel good *grins*. So anyone know any good grants for an aspiring Forensic Psychologist?

Love to all,
Sol

“People are strange when you’re a Stranger”

2005-04-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

I am so deeply fascinated by this phenomenon. The paradox of truth, especially as it plays out within the individual self of all people. I don’t mean that statement to imply it is a static state, far from it in truth, however it is I believe a wellspring we all dip into at some moment (or moments) in our life.
During “Pitch Black” the Character of James Riddick asks “are you afraid of the dark?” I have personally become greatly enamored with this character because of what he represents in the context of our society. The whole of that crash-landed group are archetypal avatars as well as individual characters. And I suppose I could go off on a whole tangent about that alone but I will not, at least at this time.

Paradox in both Physics and Psychology is a key element in maintaining a viable system. Now before I get lynched by my physicist friends let me say that my view on it ties into string theory and a whole host of other things but is too complex/convoluted to go into here without digressing. Besides with the best of my understanding, truth is not fact (and for that matter fact is not fact either, it’s an illusory conception like perfection implying a totality which is wholly unrealistic).

I’ve recently read a quote from Jung that sparks agreement with me, one of those ‘he’s saying what I said only better’ moments. The quote is “Mere suppression of the Shadow is as little a remedy as beheading would be for a headache.”

And as I watch our world on every level there is enaction of this very miss step occurring. It seems we live in an age where we’re so afraid as a culture that we cannot acknowledge our own part in darkness. Even tho darkness is not a synonym for evil it has been vilified as such because it holds that which we shove away. Think about movies such as “meet the parents” and then think about something like “the last boy-scout” which one did you wince more during? The majority of people flinch more in the face of personal embarrassment than external carnage.

On a cultural level a glaring example of this is a missing part in our response to the Al Quida attacks of September. We have never once owned up, as a nation, to our clear and glaring part in creating that tragedy. Moreover we shout down anyone who’d allude to it’s presence trying to claim that they’re attempting to justify the actions of the hijackers. What a glaring logical fallacy that assertion is, and yet as a nation we suck it down without batting an eye.
“This event is shocking and senseless” “we had no way of anticipating” etc.
Point blank, we trained the man. Should our CIA have known he was a threat? Yes because they taught him how to do what he does. Should Bush Sr. Have know? Yes because he was running the CIA at the time. Go find some old tapes of Olly North. Back during Iran contra he was sighting this danger during hearings. Now granted he was doing it to get himself off the hook, but that’s hardly the point.

We are culturally conditioned to repress and deny being indoctrinated into the misconception that this somehow promotes stability. Which is as sane and reasonable as saying you should build your house a Old Faithful because it makes the foundation secure. We are literally creating within individuals and socity as a whole, a vast pressure cooker of unexpressed and unrecognized emotions & thoughts. Like the parents who spank their child for play fighting with friends. The child is taught that ‘his’ impulse to express such feelings in a playful manner is unacceptable, while being shown that to do so as a method of punishing others is acceptable. That is a dangerous precedent to set and our culture is rife with them.

This repression is a prime source of the “quite man” phenomenon. As in when neighbors state that they can’t believe so and so would ever do anything wrong because he was such a quite man. The concept that if someone is completely self inclosed and doesn’t demonstrate or share any profound human emotions that they are deemed “safe” is baffling to me. A lack of social interaction is not a sign of social good health.

Or the parent who’d rather smile when upset than show an honest emotion in front of their children. Only later to explode as the emotions build up over time. If someone makes an irritating noise once that’s all it is. But if we’re taught we have no right to comment on or change it then after hours/days/years of listening to the same noise thoughts of violence are apt to become more prevalent. The same as after a bad day someone is more likely to get into a bar fight than after a good day. The emotions build up just like water behind a dam.

What fascinates me most in all of this however is that I came to this understanding and made the choice to be clear with myself and others about who I was all the way back in my pre-teens. And it’s taken consistent work to succeed especially in the face of such social static, but it’s easily been worth it. And I wonder why so few within our nation or “civilized” world have done the same. I must especially wonder in at it’s lack in the face of an overwhelming volume of mythological and psychological references to the necessity of doing so. Most notably in the latter field is the above quoted Carl Jung. All of this to me begs two questions, first “who’s idea was it to begin enforcing this repression? And to what end?” and second “why have we has a whole lacked the will to divest ourselves of this deeply harmful paradigm of behavior even when presented with so much insight urging us to do percicly that.”

I’m sure I will come back to this subject more than once, but for now I’ll leave it. If anyone would care to venture guesses as to the answers to my questions I’d be interested to hear them.

Sol

“Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and
Show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on

Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?

Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it, why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself

Once I used to believe
I was such a great romancer
Then I came home to a woman
That I could not recognize
When I pressed her for a reason
She refused to even answer
It was then I felt the stranger
Kick me right between the eyes

Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the stranger
Did you ever let your lover see
The stranger in yourself?

Don't be afraid to try again
Everyone goes south
Every now and then
You've done it why can't
Someone else?
You should know by now
You've been there yourself

You may never understand
How the stranger is inspired
But he isn't always evil
And he is not always wrong
Though you drown in good intentions
You will never quench the fire
You'll give in to your desire
When the stranger comes along.”

The Stranger
by
Billy Joel

"...all these little abandonments, how the seem so real to me..."

2005-04-11T09:46:00.000-07:00

Well this is another section from a conversation folks. This is in response to a very heart felt description of some personal wounds my friend suffered so I won't be including those, also this is a very emotionally based piece from me so some statements of absolute have crept in, as always absolutes tend not be literal.

The doubts and the fears and the height of nothingness within yourself has a face and a name and can be overcome. I know it all to well within me. I was always left out and outside because I was home schooled and we moved all the time to finish my fathers PhD. I broke down when we sold our first car because it was something that held familiarity to me and it was one of the only things left. I've spent the bulk of my life on the outside of everything looking in through a glass wall of social differences. All I want really is for someone to accept me for who and what I am without reservation and then help me try to attain new heights for myself. To push me whenever I set a goal for myself, and to do it not because of any cost or benefit they receive from it but because it's what I need. As the song says "this is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is". This is something I've always lacked in a major way. This core to rely upon. I have friends, good ones, but as you know there's some part of things that needs to be filled by a romantic element, that’s what’s lacking and that's the most complicated to find. At least for me it has been. I can feel my relationships coming to an end one by one. Can feel the substance of them slipping away into vapors when it's short on life left in it. And I dread that sensation, see ghosts and jump at shadows where there are none to be found. I'm wonderfully gifted at getting attention when I'm bound to do it. As such I'm also gifted at getting ladies into bed with me if I so desire. And everyone thinks this is reason enough for me to be happy, as if sex is what I'm seeking or all I need. *small sad face* I will admit I enjoy it, perhaps more than most people and I've even used it as a distraction from when everywhere hurts so badly I can't breath. But it's no substitute. I demand a lot out of a relationship, but no more than I willingly put in. I'm not big on symmetry tho, and that's even harder. I make rules for myself and enforce symmetry to make sure I'm not exploiting anyone, however my heart's not always in it.. and in some ways I think that shows. Every woman I've been with, and even some that I haven't dated but just have had some level of involvement with, has eventually gotten to the place where they leave me because they can't stand how easy it is for me to acquire the attentions of other women. I have to point out here that it's not they can't stand how much I use this ability, it’s the fact that it's there at all which Gauls them so. I know because I've tried gutting anything I can think of out of myself and my actions to remove it, repress it, and just not indulge in it. And nothing is ever enough. I have been completely devoted before, so much so that I would do ANYTHING within my power to make this girl happy, no matter what I thought about it or felt about it. And that still wasn't enough, she was still obsessed with how I was ‘this’ or ‘that’ with someone else. It got to the point where I was being told that having profound conversations with members of the female sex was infringing on infidelity. That just broke my heart. Since then I've given up trying to avoid it and now I just hope to find some people who will understand me for it and accept that this is who I am. I have friends that do, but hell even some of my closets friends still struggle with accepting me on this, I feel like it's the same as if I'd "come out" as homosexual... even the ones who still love me act just a little bit 'different' now. It makes me sad. And with how big on truth I am it also makes me crazy, because I don’t want to wear on my sleeve either of the main elements involved in this. My adaptation; that I'm not one for total exclusivity (viewed largely as "oh look he's shallow and just wants sex"). Or the inborn element that I just attract peoples notice and seem to provoke some greater than average sexual interest (viewed mostly as a statement of raw ego and pure unadulterated arrogance). So I don't bring it up... and then I feel disingenuous much of the time, because it's one thing not to say something, but it's another thing when it's buzzing around your brain like a burning hornet all the time and you never speak a word of it. You know once a friend and I were board and for our own amusement starting trying to call how long it would take one of us to seduce girls that we happened to notice in the course of where ever our travels for the day were taking us. I mention this only because there's long before that been another tally in the back of my head that is it’s converse. The one which upon seeing into someone makes the call of how long they'd be likely to last in a relationship with me before they too walk out on me. *sigh*. So yah, I dig insecurities. And I too know right where mine are coming from.

“...echoing down lawless avenues.”

2005-04-03T08:46:00.000-07:00

I’ve always been a big one for trust and honesty, by now I think that nearly anyone reading this will already know that. Which has presented me with ‘a bit of a sticky wicket’ one might say. That being how to develop and build trust and honesty, loyalty and affection, within the context of a world which preys on them so voraciously. While at the same time not opening up myself in turn to be preyed on. Here is my conclusion; allow a time, which varies, to grow to know someone. Allow sufficient time to at least begin to become friends. Then as I say “everybody gets one”. A mulligan, a reset, a clean slate. In other words even for some of the most hurtful things that could be done to me, some of the most egregious moments of miss conduct, I will allow another chance after a clear discussion and being sure I made my point. You see as fundamentally idealistic as I am, I am still a student of war and so I know that to survive you must pick or battles. And sometimes you must retreat to conquer. I just retain faith in this quote “above all things truth beareth away the victory”. I wish more people would practice it. My trip ‘through the looking glass’ in my last post has reminded me that while self assurance and faith are both elements of great power which can be life altering, neither will alter or life for good if flown blind. So my friends the reset button has been tapped, let us hope that it doesn’t come down to that again. Because even idealistic me will only even one free play.

One last thing deserves honorable mention here, I’m feeling better not just on my own but thanks to the help love and support of many friends. Thanks to you all you I feel sure know who you are and I love you each. And anybody trying to pick up new music try VNV Nation on for size, particularly their songs Dark Angel and Kingdom. It’s music that’s proved uplifting and helpful in me seeing my way clear of this thicket I landed in.

until later all,
Sol

A funny thing, or "Never say Never Alice"

2005-03-31T11:10:00.000-08:00

You know I wasn't going to post this at all, then I read Franks post and while it's Thursday now this mood of mine is bleed over from the "W" of doom, no not the guy in the white-house (tho he surely is a contender) the day of the week. I really have no heart to get into the details, suffice to say that I've been disrespected, dismissed, and basically betrayed by someone I couldn't quite bring myself to believe would do that. And the harshest part of it all, not even the actions (or lack there of) but the sad fact that she (yea who didn't see that coming) doesn't even get it, can't seem to grasp why I'm upset at all. I guess it's just me who finds it hurtful when someone I love treats my word as meaningless, my principles as a facade, and our agreements with each other as trivial.
I know I know I'm being cynical and self pitying. But hell if I do it here then those who care can read it and any who don't can easily ignore it without harm done. At least I feel a little less alone this way. You know I count myself a fair judge of character, but I never saw this coming.

Answers to a couple long time questions, and a thought to boot.

2005-03-30T09:07:00.000-08:00

Why do I not miss people or have struggles when someones gone? Why because so much of me is permeated with the sensation of being alone all the time, so having an external to match the internal doesn't make it that much harder to bear. Harder to be sure, but not so much that it can't be dealt with.
What makes/made Zoe so special? In this context for the first time I can explain that question I've been so often asked. And the answer is this, she saw me. Without reason to be able, or even desire to do so often as not, she just saw me. And I was instantly addicted to that. When did things really start to come apart? When her vision of me started to become a 'picture' of me (i.e. who she wanted me to become) and lost it's nature of being 'sight' of me (i.e. just grasping who I was, even with all my flaws). I used to think I'd never have that again. Now I know that I will have it, but it will be a few years for that to come to pass. My younger brother Ender, he could see me with his eyes closed, because far more often than not all he has to do is look in the mirror. The only reason he doesn't "see" me yet, is because there are some things that I'm not willing to place into the world of someone who's still so young. It's a revelation because I once thought only romance (the story book kind that binds love sex and social commitment all together) could catalyze this kind of 'sight'. Now I know differently. But I truly believe that this feeling, of being KNOWN of being SEEN is what everyone is craving in "the one". And they're right in the sense that romance, sex, love, and commitment all foster the possibility of this 'sight'. But they're wrong in thinking that it is "one" or has to be singular or even in any way romantic. And it can be heartbreaking to watch my loved ones go through pain I know all to well when I have the lesson right here to express, and can't seem to find the words that call to be heeded.

A question to consider?

2005-03-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

does affection = influence for you? Because it doesn't for me, it makes a lot of sense that it would, and that could indeed explain why so many people believe I don't really care for them. Because for me influence has sparingly little to do with affection. Influence for me is tied to specific areas and is created almost solely based on tried and proven (cred)ability. I guess it could be said simply thus. If "X" is a given action to be taken, then those with influence would effect how I went about it and would be the ones I'd want to do it with. While those with affection would effect weather or not I did it at all, and would be the ones I'd do it for. To be sure the two can coincide. But for me, more often than not, they don't.

My Horoscope for the day, as well a good reminder...

2005-03-30T09:01:00.000-08:00

You could decide to let go of something today. Maybe a project you are working on has been frustrating you. Don't be stubborn and suffer in silence! Get help from a partner or a friend. Or pass the work off to someone professional who could help you with it efficiently. You need to be more conscious about how you utilize energy. Sometimes you stick with something just out of pride. There is nothing weak in your character if you give up on something that doesn't work!

A rant we can all love (even if it is to hate)

2005-03-29T19:30:00.000-08:00

Hey it's me again Hank the Cowdog... no wait, those are just very humorous audio tapes...
so I'm back and I'm talking about one of those great things that is more underated than almost anything else in the world. Honesty

yes that's right folks the often used and rarely adheared to virtue of being a straight shooter. It gets more lip service than the clientell of some Vagus service industries.

I'll open with the words (some of them anyway) from the Depeche Mode song POLICY OF TRUTH.

It’s just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth

. . .

You’ll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth

They collectivly describe the over all attitude that greats the idea of truth. Yes surely these are not the ideas that are said to be supported, but actions speak louder than words.
I will be blunt, I find lies to be purely a sign of weakness just like the fear they are based on. No one who is without fear will lie, and the more fearless the person they fewer their deceptions. I would challange anyone reading this to provide me with a solid example of where a lie shows courage. I will debate the point hotly but if you can show me otherwise (and yes I will really be considering what's said) then I'll change my tune.

Here's my oppinion, if you have weakness of self, if you have doubt in your own person, if you fear that your intent is infeiror to those around you and cannot stand on it's own merits then you will lie. I have seen many lies, all of them are a result of worry or fear of some kind weather valid or invalid. But there is always another option, if you don't for whatever reason feel it right and wise to state what you know you don't have to lie you just have to tell the plain truth, and simply say "I'm not going to answer that". Well there's more, oh so much more that this rant could hold but I'll do it later, the ladies here I believe need attention so I'm going to cut it short.

Please all if you comment on none of the others comment on this one, it's more key than almost anything for yours truely and I want to test it as fully as I'm able. Which of course means help.

Sol

A patchwork of thoughts

2005-03-29T08:10:00.000-08:00

"Take me as I am
I'm not broken
Pieces of my life are not tokens
I want to let you know that I'm still learning
How to love again and stop hurting"

it's been playing through my head nonstop for almost 17 hours now, yes I woke up hearing it a few times during the night. And it makes sense really, because that's what my will boils down too at this moment. The sentiment expressed within those words. It's what spurred the creation of this blog (in addition to the insistence of many good friends of mine *grins*) and what keeps me questing for answers. The song is not surprisingly titled Take me as I am. And it's by Tonic. This post is going to jump hither and yon as the subject implies, but I Thought I'd state it directly as well.

I've found my second tattoo, the one which balances the first that I am getting on my left arm... a tribal black rose partly budding for those who I haven't mentioned it too. It's reciprocal is the one I've just discovered and that is a karasu (or crow) who's image is being lifted from an ancient standard of imperial Japan and is, among other things, an honorific to the deities of the sun.

Now an excerpt from a conversation, the question being basically what I thought of love as an idea, force, emotion, what have you.

love I do believe in, and I believe it has value, I believe it to be boundless rather than finite, and like flowers to have many breeds and seasons. It is a growing thing, one which in all is cycling states requires care and which will flourish or die depending on the harmony of it's climate, care, and breed. Even among roses there are many ways to care for a flower, our tragedy in this life seems to be that we've allowed or selves to believe that there is only one.

This next bit is in reaction to a question I’ve had a friend pose to me about my “bullheadedness” and why I won’t back down even in some seemingly trivial situations.

It is my own and only true personal space. I grew up with a large family both extended and immediate and I grew up moving all the time. I had so little that was mine in any way that when we sold our first car I cried and was hollow feeling for days because it was more home to me than any place I had. So rather than continue to be distraught I adapted, I evolved. And I took my personal space within myself. I do not ever evoke or provoke invasions of it by my deigned or intended act. So when someone violates it wantonly I won't let it slide, won't give them one fucking inch because it would put me back there. Despondent, dissolute, disenfranchised. It would, weather in part or whole, take my life away from me. Just like drinking or doing drugs until I have blackouts would. Just like deceptions that feed the holes in my memories would. I won't give up my life for anyone, I'd literally rather die first. So I won't give an inch. There's a quote that says "A hero is a man who's more afraid to run away" that's me. You see if they'd picked any "word" that wasn't already an "issue" and made the same request to test their idea I would have placated them and tried it even tho I knew they were wrong, that's fine with me. What I cannot and will not do is give in when someone's trying to "push" to "make me" ....well fill in the blank really, if someones trying to make me do anything they'd better be able to physically MAKE ME do every step of it for otherwise they will be disappointed. I've always done that, ever since the first time I was to think about the concept back when I was maybe 3 years old. Besides I don't need to laugh at the rules or brake them. Just like I don't need to honor the rules or follow them. What I need to do myself is ignore the rules and show a disregard for them. They are non-definitive of me, not for or against. For me ending the irrational and idiotic confrontation quickly isn't anywhere near as imperative as ending it PERMEANTLY, or at the very least giving enough negative re-enforcement that it won't be directed toward me any longer. I do pick my battles, I just have differing objectives. And my definition of victory especially in an unreasonable confrontation is simply denying they opposition what they want from or of me.

And the next bit here is stolen from a response I was given to one of my little soap boxes on here. I quite like it because it feels good/true, at least it makes me smile. All of which means that I’ve adopted it in some part as well as having had the makings of it in me... right well my babbling is done for the day, I’m off to figure out how to make my living from one of my favorite holidays.

Quick note

2005-03-29T07:37:00.000-08:00

Hey all, just cuz I haven't said as much yet. On the quizes etc. that I've posted, if any of you decide to take them I'd love to get feed back about both your preception of the accuracy of the test as well as your results. Feel free to post comments about it or just toss me an e-mail. Anyway that's it, just mentioning that I'm intrested if anyone's up to sharing.

Sol

P.S. thanks to those who've already done this

hey look, a me nutshell!

2005-03-24T15:22:00.000-08:00

ok folks this is my playing with personality profiles... enjoy ;)

...um ok so the formating on this is all funky, but after wresteling with the code just getting it all to show up is a bit of a feat, so I'm calling it good as is. Maybe I'll fix it when I know more. In the mean time bear with me, it is what it is and I don't have limitless ablities.

Extroverted (E) 56.76% Introverted (I) 43.24%
Intuitive (N) 62.5% Sensing (S) 37.5%
Feeling (F) 56.41% Thinking (T) 43.59%
Perceiving (P) 61.76% Judging (J) 38.24%

ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.

Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

type	score	type behavior motivation
2	21	I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
6	21	I must be secure and safe to be happy.
7	21	I must be high and entertained to be happy.
9	21	I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.
3	20	I must be impressive and attractive to be happy.

Main type	Variant

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results

The Enneagram is a personality system which divides the entire human personality into nine behavioral tendencies, this is your score on each...

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Type 3	Image Awareness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Type 4	Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Your main type is 9
Your variant is sexual

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Empathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Food indulgent	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others

Bright Eyes

2005-03-22T08:10:00.000-08:00

This is in response to being asked what I thought of when listening to the Bright Eyes song, Lover I don't have to love.

it reminds me of highschool, it reminds me of the darkest sights of my mind, it fills my sense of the world like water by moonlight fills your senses.
It's the opiate of depression. "bad actors with bad habits" seems like most of the world be especially those people who know better are so within reach of better.
"do you like to hurt than hurt me" there are moments where that could be the motto I used to pick out my dates. It's the connections of the disconnected. The addictive taste of poison. The surrender into that state where only blood and sex feel real. "I need some meaning I can memorize, the kind I have always seems to slip my mind" it's the act of giving in to seeking value only from others, in TAKING value from others like something to be sucked dry and used up. More than that it's the taste of what makes that alluring.
It's the thing I can least allow myself so for some fragment of me it's the thing that's most deeply wanted. "I want a love I don't have to love, I want a girl that's too sad to give a fuck" the freedom of being with someone who's so far gone that even I don't feel compelled to try and save her... it would be liberating, it would allow my darker side to just express it's self without restraint. And that of course is deeply alluring and cloyingly repugnant all at once. My own personal taboo. And there's the next layer of it all which is how much this song seems so true of the fundamental patterns most people live on. It's a sensation like sitting in a room full of people who are drinking after you've given it up. There's a craving deep in the gut no matter what you say to anybody. Both depression and sado-masochism are addictive, physically as well as psychologically addictive. If I don't fight those back at least a handful of times in a month it's been a good month.
The impetus to slip into it (which is not the experience of it) is something you live with once you've been there. As Yoda says "once you start down the dark path forever will it dominate your destiny".
"you write such pretty words, but lifes no storybook. Loves an excuse to get hurt, do you like to hurt? do you? do you? then hurt me..." even in the depths there's still some sort of urge to link, even if there's not enough follow through to truly do it. Just like there's an urge to breath even when the euphoria of drowning has set in, even if it's only water. You see I know something that's never said. Selfishness is despair. And even I have desires which call me to wallow in it. "...I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full..." well I think now perhaps you have an idea of what that song does. It's not every last thing, but whatever is. Ask questions if you wish, there are usually more answers to be had.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

2005-03-17T07:26:00.001-08:00

I was asked recently who or what I wanted to be or become. This that follows is my answer, or at least my response, as answer imply a full response and this one just covers all the bases, there are depths as yet untouched

who or what do I want to ultimately become?
I want to become me, only fully self-aware, the whole me without apology or fetter.
I want to become enlightened as well as educated (because they're not the same thing and at the higher levels often seem to have grave incompatibilities even though they are both of value). I want to be memorable, and I like that to be for all the right reasons rather than unhappy ones. I want to be great, true greatness that comes from understanding and wisdom, but on the grand scale most people thing of when they say greatness. I want the unwavering ability to empower my friends and loved ones, for that is it's own reward. I want to be loved passionately honestly and unflinchingly for who I am, and I want to live & act worthy of it. I only want to be stumped by one riddle in my life and let that be the final one which sends me on to other things. I want to be aware of truths without the answers blinding me to the mystery of the question. A riddle is a riddle even when solved, and there's importance in remembering that.
I want, simply put, to change the world fundamentally and for the better. And I would really like to live to see it, even if it's only the first few chapters unfolding.
Take Dr. Hannibal Lecter's insight, Alexanders devotion and drive, Riddicks self mastery/awareness, and Supermans purity and nobility of intent. And you will have some idea of the apex I long for.
Yes I aspire for greatness, and grandness too, I would ask you, why aspire for anything less?

Quiz Blerb

2005-03-16T10:51:00.000-08:00

Hello again all, this below is an explnation of that quiz I posted. I believe in providing complete information so that everyone can come to their own conclusions. There for tho this is my blog and these aren't my words, they still get posted. Hope they're useful to someone.

The World's Most

Popular Political Quiz

How the World's Smallest Political Quiz redefined politics, took over the Internet, impressed the experts, and made politics fun for more than 4 million people

After taking the World's Smallest Political Quiz, the famous online test that instantly pinpoints your political ideology, no two people have exactly the same reaction.

Consider Courtney, a self-described "young Republican." She took the Quiz and was surprised by the result. "I [scored] libertarian centrist," she said. "I really think I lean to the right, but apparently some aspect of my social liberalism has centered me. Interesting."

For blogger Jessy, the Quiz confirmed what she already knew. The avowed liberal landed smack-dab in the liberal quadrant and said, "I could not agree more."

Then there's Krzysztof -- nicknamed "Critto" -- from Poland. For him, the Quiz was exciting. "I am a libertarian, after taking the Quiz!" he said enthusiastically. "I love the World's Smallest Political Quiz, for it is cute, small, and very useful."

Cute? Well, OK; let's not argue with a guy named Critto. Small? You bet. It takes less than two minutes to zip through. Useful? Absolutely, if the surge of people taking the Quiz is any proof.

Every day, more than 4,500 people flock to the Web site of the Advocates for Self-Government (www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html) to take the Quiz. That's 187 people an hour, 24 hours a day. In fact, since 1996, when the Advocates started tracking results, more than 4 million people have clicked, moused, and surfed their way to the Quiz.

Why the enormous popularity -- especially when so many other political quizzes clutter up the Internet?

Sharon Harris, president of the Advocates, has a theory. "The Quiz offers a more diverse way of looking at politics," she said. "It gives people a fast, accurate way of determining who agrees with them most."

That "more diverse" insight is the key. Before the Quiz came along, politics was a two-way street. You were either liberal or conservative, and that was that.

Enter David Nolan, an MIT political-science graduate. In 1969, Nolan realized that traditional political definitions didn't make sense. He observed that liberals usually supported personal liberty (they defended free speech), but opposed economic liberty (they liked high taxes and strict regulation of business). Conservatives were the opposite. They supported economic liberty (low taxes and minimal regulations), but opposed personal liberty (they applauded laws against pornography).

So far, so good. But what about people who supported both personal and economic liberty? They didn't fit. Nether did people who opposed both personal and economic liberty.

Nolan finally resolved the paradox. "I began to doodle around with the idea of trying to reduce the political universe to a graphical depiction," he told The Liberator magazine in 1996. "I thought, 'Maybe we can delineate this on some kind of map, using a two-axis graph.' "

That was the breakthrough. Instead of looking at politics as a two-way line, Nolan designed a political chart that went in four directions -- high or low on economic issues, and high or low on personal issues.

Conservatives and liberals fit in this new political spectrum. So did libertarians and statists, who Nolan added to the mix. Libertarians scored high/high on liberty issues; statists scored low/low. Later, centrists were added in the middle -- and the Nolan Chart, a new way of looking at politics, was born.

In 1985, Marshall Fritz, founder of the Advocates for Self-Government, added 10 questions to the chart. He squeezed it all onto a business card-size handout, dubbed it the World's Smallest Political Quiz, and took it to a local print shop.

The rest is history. Over the years, the nonpartisan Advocates distributed 7 million printed copies of the Quiz to help spread the word about libertarianism. In 1995, the Quiz made the jump to cyberspace where it immediately became the Internet's most popular political quiz, with 13,400 Web sites linked to it today.

But is it accurate? After all, the Advocates is a libertarian organization. Did they rig the Quiz so everyone would score libertarian?

No, says an expert. Cynthia Carter, professor of History and Political Science at Florida Community College at Jacksonville, said, "Although this quiz is provided by a Libertarian organization, it does not lead you to answer in any particular way."

That may be why instructors around the USA use the Quiz in their classrooms. If you peeked into classrooms at Harvard University's John F. Kennedy School of Government, Carnegie Mellon University, or Texas A&M University (to name just a few) over the past few years, you'd find find students answering the Quiz's questions.

Even cynical reporters -- always eager to expose a phony -- have been impressed by the Quiz's insight and honesty. For example, the Washington Post reported, "The Quiz has gained respect as a valid measure of a person's political leanings."

But don't let the scholarly recommendations fool you. The Quiz isn't a boring political science project -- it's fun. In fact, that is the one reaction that just about everybody who takes the Quiz does have in common.

Professional astrologer Adze Mixxe said it best. No matter what your political identity is, he told people, "You will get 100 percent enjoyment from the World's Smallest Political Quiz."

And isn't that a political score everyone can agree on?

A little Politics...

2005-03-16T10:24:00.000-08:00

Poly meaning "many" and Ticks a bloodsucking parasite.

And the Following is me in a political nutshell... I never knew there was a term for the broad strokes of my P.O.V. learn something every day.. oh and F.Y.I. all of the below information is lifted directly from the website hosting the quiz which I took to get these results.

ACCORDING TO YOUR ANSWERS,

The political description that
fits you best is...

LIBERTARIAN

LIBERTARIANS support maximum liberty in both personal and

economic matters. They advocate a much smaller government; one

that is limited to protecting individuals from coercion and violence.

Libertarians tend to embrace individual responsibility, oppose

government bureaucracy and taxes, promote private charity, tolerate

diverse lifestyles, support the free market, and defend civil liberties.

The RED DOT on the Chart shows where you fit on the political map.

Your PERSONAL issues Score is 100%.
Your ECONOMIC issues Score is 70%.
(Please note: Scores falling on the Centrist border are counted as Centrist.)

......................................................................

Other Political Philosophies

Left (Liberal)
Liberals usually embrace freedom of choice in personal matters,

but tend to support significant government control of the economy.

They generally support a government-funded "safety net" to help

the disadvantaged, and advocate strict regulation of business.

Liberals tend to favor environmental regulations, defend civil liberties

and free expression, support government action to promote equality,

and tolerate diverse lifestyles.

Centrist
Centrists espouse a "middle ground" regarding government control

of the economy and personal behavior. Depending on the issue,

they sometimes favor government intervention and sometimes

support individual freedom of choice. Centrists pride themselves on

keeping an open mind, tend to oppose "political extremes," and

emphasize what they describe as "practical" solutions to problems.

Right (Conservative)
Conservatives tend to favor economic freedom, but frequently

support laws to restrict personal behavior that violates "traditional

values." They oppose excessive government control of business, while

endorsing government action to defend morality and the traditional

family structure. Conservatives usually support a strong military,

oppose bureaucracy and high taxes, favor a free-market economy,

and endorse strong law enforcement.

Statist (Big Government)
Statists want government to have a great deal of power over the

economy and individual behavior. They frequently doubt whether

economic liberty and individual freedom are practical options in

today's world. Statists tend to distrust the free market, support

high taxes and centralized planning of the economy, oppose

diverse lifestyles, and question the importance of civil liberties.

......................................................................

The Golden Rule

2005-03-14T11:07:00.000-08:00

once again excirpted response to an ommited letter *grins* this is starting to be a theme I'd say.

unadulterated (interesting choice of words right there by the way) human contact really IS love, or a face of it. Maybe I'm crazy, and I do say that it's got to include more than the purely physical variety for a lasting love to occur however isn't love really at least in some ways the desire to experience that unadulterated human contact (which we all desire somewhere) with someone specific weather for an instant an eternity or anything in between?

My "problem" if it is such is that I want to experience as much of life as possible and so even if it's an instance that's offered, if it's a TRUE instance I still want it. And people (on the whole) seem to think that means I devalue everything else. They ask me 'why would you ever chouse an instance over an eternity'. And I ask them 'why must there be a choosing at all?'.

Why are we so ready to be defined by our deprivation(s)? and if we are to be then why should we allow them to be one iota more then they absolutely will be anyway.

People want to give out and give in and they fundamentally resent me for doing anything else. I do what they won't dare to and thus it's cast as my fault that they're unhappy. Frankly if they were happy within themselves and assured in their choices how could any byproduct of my actions hurt them? It's not like I've killed someone. Not like I've set out with intent to do any harm to anybody. Anger is almost always spurred on by fear, and fear is fundamentally an emotional response to facing an unknown we don't feel prepared for. So seeing that why don't I just write off that from some people scorn is my lot because I am in many ways an unknown due to my brakes with common society.. well for the very same reasons that I have brakes with common society in the first place. Because I don't and won't settle. I'd rather die reaching for the stars then live staring at my toes. And yes I know that this sounds melodramatic and maybe even meglomanical but you know what? I've been told by several groups of people in my life that this is why they were upset with me. Now granted they didn't walk right up and say so, I had to confront them with it. But when you have a group of people who've gotten together basically to "put you in your place" and you tell them that they're only doing it because they're envious and they look ashamed and admit it. And this happens more than once with different groups of people some your peers others older than you. It provides a compelling reason to take a hunch into a viewpoint.

Why do people feel the urge to pressure me into making a choice? And not even explaining to me why a choice is a good one per say but pushing for me to make some choice, nearly any choice. The attitude is that any choice is better than "no choice". Where I'm sitting here feeling like there's no need. It's like if someone walked up to you and said "pick which pet dies" and then treated you like a psychopath for asking the obvious question "why should any have to die at all?".
Ok so I've gone from theorizing to ranting, but that question is so frustrating to me. More so because the few answers that I've gotten to it (and they are few and far between) were "because that's just the way things are" often in so many words. I didn't expect "because I told you so" for a reason as a child and I'm damn sure not going to start now. People say that when they have neither the time nor the inclination to try and really explain themselves and they believe you'd think them wrong if they just told you their conclusion. Which usually means they're wrong at least from your point of view i.e. current circumstances. Ergo when someone says that to me I have the knee jerk impulse to conclude that they're wrong. Which having seen children with their parents I know to be true about as often as it's not... so I've worked myself back round to being frustrated.

As to weather or not having some mix of sex and violence is weird or not I really don't think that it is. You're right that it totally must occur in a situation of clear communication and full trust. However it's not that uncommon and has a number of naturalistic roots for it. Also both sex and violence are ways to get to know someone on a very raw intimate level. And in that they share this element they can serve to enhance each others effects very much. Not always to positive effects sadly but as human history bears out, what we, humanity as a whole that is, can learn to use we will find some way to miss use.

I suppose that the "point" of all this, if indeed there could be said to be a single one, is best expressed through my own personal motto viewed in light of some very old wisdom repeated in many ways in many cultures throughout time... they are as follows

motto; Whatever works for ya
wisdom; do unto others as you would have them do unto you

you see the point? the wiccans put it pretty well too... 'an yee harm none, do what yee will'

as long as a I'm not seeking do to harm to anyone, nor through design or intent allowing my actions to create harm I'd just like to be left to my own devices to share with whom ever and how ever I/we see fit.

...which begs the question, is that really so much to ask?

Song Snatchets

2005-03-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

Ok I'm not going to make this a habbit but I've been having a few lines from this song playing through my head for several days now, I used to have that alot but not so much anymore, and it feels connected to this set of thoughts presented heretofore in my blog, so here you have it.

the bit stuck in my head... and then the whole of the song...

"I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent "

Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With Lennon and Cobain A guitar and a stereo

while he wishes he could escape this
but it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
In a song that has no soul

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

Tina's losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
Every calorie is a war

And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she’d never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

One day, you’ll have to let it go
You’ll have to let it go
No...
One day, you’ll stand up on your own
You’ll stand up on your own

Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent
We are, we are...

We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are all innocent (you’ll have to let it go)
We are, we are (you’ll have to let it go, no..)

We are (one day), we are all innocent
We are, we are (you’ll stand up on your own)
We are, we are all innocent (you’ll stand up on your own..)

We are, we are all innocent

Above all things to thine own self be true.

2005-03-10T11:12:00.002-08:00

another exceript of a letter, or rather my response to a letter, from a friend.

here's the problem my dear, forget sex, forget romance, hell even forget love... remove the classification of this being said in any of those contexts and I can state clearly and unequivocally that no one has ever been everything to me. Nor to I expect anyone ever will. It's not in my nature. And it's not for a lack of caring. Is it a flaw? Mayhap, gods know I feel it is many a time. Going back to the love element, there are many kinds and types of love... and I haven't ever felt right using one to trump another. Casting one type as superior to any other. You can't compare the love of a father for his daughter to the love of a brother for his sister. Or the love of best friends to the love of a couple. Sure there are some clear cases where for a given person in a given instance one of them holds more sway. But that's a thing of the moment and shouldn't be marked as a value assessment. Now if you can find one type of love that for you out shines them all, and then find that love somewhere and hold too it. I'd congratulate you. But I can't, can't because it's not in my make up do. But can't even more because it's not even in myself to want. Going back to romance, comparing the feelings is literally for me like comparing flowers. If they're the same breed then how can you compar them, they're the same. And if they're not (which is most often the case) then how can you try to weigh one against the others? They're all unique.
Maybe my problem is in my environment. I grew up around family who were either very exclusive or had very discriminating tastes (depending on which branch of the family you're looking at). And it was always held up to me as some sort of grail of import. Someone was treated as smarter, more discerning, more insightful for having "discriminating tastes". I've always felt that the greater insight into life lays in the ability to find beauty in whatever you behold. And having found beauty to find the linkes both to yourself and to other aspects of beauty within creation. Not to weaigh and masure beauty like a comadity and then decide which one pound for pound is most worth picking up. Now going back to sex... well honestly sex has always been an after thought for me. Do I have a sex drive? oh yes be assured that I do. Can it influance my actions, quite certinly it has and like will continue to do so. But do I consider it of top shelf import? nope can't say with any truth that I have ever given it priority in my life. You see sex is what you make of it. The only intrinsic quality it has is a potentul of significance. But it's a blank slate. A symbole. It's a banner we plant where we want to plant it and then rally our selves, our actions, around. My first time was about the best I could have hoped for. I have never regreted a single thing about that night or experance, and I won't because for me that was perfict. There are so few moments of perfection in this life, I treasure what I've been given. And even with that as the defintive sexual moment for me, sex is still more of an afterthought. The biggist satisfaction I get out of sex is that if a woman is willing to share herself with me like that it's a strong indcator that she trusts me on some pretty profound levels. Cares about me too in some important ways. Without those it's unsatisfing and no orgasim in the world changes it.
But for me, to me, that's all it is. It's a physically pleasant way to express trust and affection. Perhaps even love on occasion. But it's an expression, just like a hug, or a kiss or a surprise gift. They all have their own place to be sure, and they're not identical no doubt. Nevertheless they remain in fundamentally the same family for nearly everyone no matter what they may think themselves. If they didn't gifts, hugs, kisses, and such wouldn't be cause for jealousy, distrust, unease... you get the idea. Just as French, Italian, Spanish, and English are all romance languages because of their root source Latin. So too are these and other things beyond hugs, gifts, and sex, all romance languages of another sort for they all take their roots in the same soil.

I have a fundamental belief about human belonging. I believe that intrinsically humans seek for people they belong with. Horribly we've warped it these days to be a search for someone (or ones) to belong to.
We as a nation fight wars to sustain our concept of freedom, while at the same time trying to be owned in a much more intimate way by some other person. Freedom is not an action, it's a choice. It's not about what you DO, it's about what you have the OPTION to do. This sense of possession isn't required to hold a long deep, passionate relationship. Commitment and honest, trust and love. Those are required. Not possession, not constraint, not loss.

I guess what it all comes down to tho is what is really worth it. And what makes something worth it.
The quote by Benjamin Franklin while political has always been more personal for me. "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." or another good political turned personal quote is the oft' mentioned "give me liberty or give me death". You see above nearly all else, be it fair or foul, I need to know that my life is my own. My mistakes are mine, my triumphs are mind. The gruesome and the glorious. That when I look back on my life I'm sure that it's my life. Not an addendum to, or footnote of, someone (anyone) elses.

I'll leave you with a quote I recently heard, “Sex doesn’t change you, it changes the people around you.”

gather round and let me tell you a story

2005-03-09T17:39:00.000-08:00

The following is from a text based coversation I had (responses ommitted) and is describing some of my times at a yearly SCA gathering call Pensic. It was really a hoot, but you'll get the idea from the clif notes version supplied below.

"gather round and let me tell you a story"
see I was in the woods with about 12,000 other people (plus staff) who were all there for ren fest type things, sword type things, and "hey we've got gallons and gallons of free home brewed liquor will someone help us drink it" type things not to mention a light spicing of "my hubby only lets me off the leash while I'm here jump me now" type things... for flavor you know and so there are temporary buildings being set up (like sets from plays only on camp grounds) and tons of people doing fire dancing (it's like belly dancing only with flames) and battles every morning and parties every night until dawn (or pretty near) and here I am for the first few days feeling like I can't even carry on a conversation. I was even given introductions too people by my friend who'd been there before... and everyone in my camp knew me well enough (could talk to them at least)... but it was really starting to drag me down a little bit... as in "I'm the guy who can start a conversation with no one in particular and end up with friends why can't I speak when spoken too?”
then I met Dan and Scarlet and they were fun
and a nice little session around a tent and I went 'home' to sleep then went back to the "not really talking" thing and was drug out to a party by my friends, friend and wandered around there for a while it was alright, actually the party it's self was killer cool, I just couldn't seem to interact effectively
even had a few different people start conversations with me but I always just ended up like a lame duck... not only depressing but pissing me off by this point too even with cinnamon drinks being plied to me I was still awkward and shaky, then near two thirds of the way through the party and when I was about to leave I got literally leapt on by Scarlet and I found myself avoiding candles (of which there were many on cast iron stands) while making sure I didn't drop her
then Dan told me that they were going to the fire and he and I started chatting I went to "the fire" (really one of many) and found fire dancers which was fun... and aside from being very talented they weren't bad eye candy either. After that... well the rest as they say is history... I spent a lot of time hanging out with Dan/Scarlet and their friends and I enjoyed myself greatly also found at least fragments of my back bone and stopped being such a stick in the mud
as it turns out they live in florida and Scarlet asked me for my contact information because she wants to come and visit me oh and I got Absinth oh so good I found a kind that doesn't taste like black licorice (which I totally can't spell)
oh it was sooooo good had three glasses and actually got a nice fluffy buzz going **well three glasses on top of having spent hours at another party right before sooo you do the math.. oh and some 35 year old Cuban rum sooooo smooth didn't bite anymore then some wine coolers gods I drank so much... lol... didn't ever get drunk tho... which I don't mind... got tipsy a whole lot. I think the constant fire food song and walking not to mention the crisp night air helped with that tho and I got to make waves by flirting with all the girls in camp lol... not that anything happened... that's the really ironic part... place like that + me = no sex.... lol... not usually the expected equation but I didn't have a problem with it, I had a great time just as it was.

To my dear Dr. Lecter...

2005-03-09T16:45:00.000-08:00

the following is a response to an e-mail I received entitled the same as this post

You know I just watched those movies the other day, day before yesterday I believe it was. All three of them in a row in fact were on. Missed about a half of the marathon but spend hours watching none the less. I was quite pleased, and very "thinkish" as I put it at the time. *grins* You see I'm one of the very few people who devoutly believes that everything Hannibal does is within not only the realm of possibility, but perhaps with effort even my own grasp.
I would dearly love to understand someone, much less Nye on everyone, so well. It is, somehow, deeply compelling. What is your goal in life? I know I keep asking you this, and I know you've answered it. I ask again because it seems to me that the deeper truth of this answer has yet to be breeched and I would very much like to see it. Now do not miss conceive me here, I'm not of the mind that you are in any way striving to deceive me, simply that there are layers as yet untapped, perhaps be you as well. I've always been drawn to secrets, to enigmas, puzzles, mazes, riddles, rhymes... they are the cashmere vails in which truths are clad. I would be interested in the peoples of the universities of this or any other nation. But they are of prime interest to me as peoples, not as individuals. It is the group which grants the complexities that draw me. Perhaps that is part of why I am such as I am regarding romances, terribly deep and all at the same time very far ranging. It's a paradox, which perhaps is why I'm unable to find a reason for it aside from it it's self. I as a whole am rather a paradox which is very likely why I feel compelled to try and find it.
My other search of late is for a job, because if I have money then I am free of my own sense of obligation and thus able to unfold more fruitfully in that environment of decreased constraints and increased (especially personal) honesty. I find that those two often go hand in hand don't you? The fewer the constraints placed upon a person, no matter where they originate, the fewer impulses to deceive or deflect are present within them.
I wish to say more to you for I know you're a mind whole ability to perceive is not in question and a soul whos willingness to explore has been noted. However I will simply leave you with this for it is the last clear thing I have to say at this very moment.

“Reality is collaborative, truth is intimate”
- JSN

...he opens a window

2005-03-09T16:34:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone if you’re here and it’s the first days of this blog then you know me, so most of this will come as no surprise. If you’re here in the latter days of this blog, well, I expect there will be some of you who don’t yet know me at all.
The following are not facts, they are truths. They are not universal, they are personal. This will very rarely be a catalog of events, it will be thoughts. Some of the entries here in will be reposts of letters, or taken from letters, written to trusted friends. They will know why they are, you may guess if you wish but I make no promises about answering. In fact I make no real promises at all about this blog, save that you will have one of the most largely unfiltered windows into my world and my thoughts that you could ever find. Look if you wish, draw the shades if you would. Feel free to ask questions or delve into anything that is set before you. You will find me willing enough to talk. But great and small these are to be my thoughts, at the moment I put them down, and I will not claim all of them to be noble and good. But do not ask me for a justification to their being there, for it is by your choice alone that you look, if the sight does not please you simply look elsewhere.

Unfiltered Metaphor

The *real* easter spirit

Patriotism

Phantom light, True illumination

Darklight

The Silence of Fear

My heart, in Spades

Omertà

A few words from Ikkyu Sojun

Cross'ed Wires

Catchers Mit, Inside Out

A Man - Alanis Morissette

"patriot" act

Opals Of Night

Riddle Me This

Raven Song

Crime Think

"Expectations Essay" (Just because....)

Roses

A glass raised to Max and Orsen, if only we'd heeded you.

Chaos Dreams

What I've been up too, why I don't write so much anymore...

V

A whole new world, this same place I've always been.

bits from an e-mail that just about covers it...

Gypsie Coat

This really happend...

out of the dusts...

Earth dance, chaos kings...

hehehehehehe

What am I?

When you mean something to me

Just a thought on late night drinking...

Manifesto of the Dream builders Union

Pennsic Stories Year II

only fear

an answer to one, an answer for all

Current events interview

time, is on my side, yes it is

Reflextions on my teens

Old school morning

“...I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed...”

"...it's the only place I wanna be, yeah, yeah, yeah..."

“People are strange when you’re a Stranger”

"...all these little abandonments, how the seem so real to me..."

“...echoing down lawless avenues.”

A funny thing, or "Never say Never Alice"

Answers to a couple long time questions, and a thought to boot.

A question to consider?

My Horoscope for the day, as well a good reminder...

A rant we can all love (even if it is to hate)

A patchwork of thoughts

Quick note

hey look, a me nutshell!

Bright Eyes

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Quiz Blerb

A little Politics...

The Golden Rule

Song Snatchets

Above all things to thine own self be true.

gather round and let me tell you a story

To my dear Dr. Lecter...

...he opens a window

The real easter spirit